In need of Dire Help.

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Kwarman, Jun 22, 2018.

  1. Kwarman

    Kwarman Fapstronaut


    Let me start off by saying that I am new here and i'm very interested in becoming part of the community. I apologize if I do something wrong here as this is my first post. I am 24 years old and I have a porn addiction. I feel as though my addiction has become self destructive and has resulted in my diagnosed major depression. Please bear with me and i'm sorry if I ramble on.

    I discovered porn when I was about nine years old through nude magazines and things intensified ever since, especially when discovering internet pornography. It became a daily thing that I thought was pretty normal and it continued throughout my teen years up into being an adult. I don't think there's been a single day that I've went without masturbating which concerns me. Now I want to discuss the sick and twisted rabbit hole that I've been pulled into.

    When I first started watching porn, I would look up some pretty normal stuff, or things that people would consider as 'normal' male on female porn. As the years went on, this type of porn was not enough for me. I needed something more hardcore to get off to. And when I tell you I've seen 'everything', I mean it. I've gotten off to some of the most sick and disturbing things one could possibly think of. If it exists, I've masturbated to it at least once.

    It doesn't end there. For the past few years I've developed an obsession for Transgender/TG/TV/transwoman/transgendered person/Sissy porn, and more recently I got into Sissy Hypno porn. And let me tell you, it is devastating. During the younger years of my life, I never once was attracted to a male in any way, until I started watching TG porn. It reached a point in which I even wanted to 'become' one of them, and I became passively aroused by the male genitalia and anything having to do with it. It has warped my sexuality and I now actively identify as Bi-sexual.

    On April, Friday the 13th of this year, I attempted suicide and ended up in a Physic Ward for a week. It was quite literally the worst week of my life. I'm now getting treatment and i'm on anti-depressants but my porn addiction is still an issue for me. I've not once been in a relationship and I am also still a virgin, and I place most of the blame on pornography's twisted way of warping my view of women.

    This is my first and hopefully my final plea for help. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to live my life only looking forward to the next time I can be alone and get off things to that are simply not natural for humans to consume. I am so far gone that being attracted to men is not something that will change for me. Claiming that I am in dire need of help is an understatement.
  2. drac16

    drac16 Fapstronaut

    I know how you feel. I've also been through periods of life in which normal porn was not enough to turn me on, so I tried more indecent stuff, like bestiality (even though I'm not attracted to animals). Make sure you take your medication on time because if you don't, you could suffer from withdrawal symptoms. I know because I used to have depression (for 14 years, in fact). I currently suffer from psychosis, which basically means that I hear voices.

    Pornography will only make matters worse. You may masturbate with it and climax, but it will never leave you satisfied. You'll keep wanting more and more and before you know it, it's out of control. Have you tried fasting before? it's where you go without food and drink from sunrise to sunset. If that's too extreme for you, then drink water, but that's it. When you fast, your mind is focused on the hunger pangs, which means that it won't be able to think about sex, thereby helping you in your sexual addiction. Give it a try; it has helped me tremendously.
  3. Kwarman

    Kwarman Fapstronaut

    Thanks so much for reaching out to me. I've never tried fasting in order to suppress the habit nor have I ever heard of such a method, however I do feel like it is something I might try doing going forward. Thank you for your input and hopefully I can free myself from these disturbing shackles.
    drac16 likes this.
  4. Hi @Kwarman , welcome to NoFap
    It is a big step if you can understand what is triggering your urges, because this will allow you to be awake and kill those urges as soon as they appear.
    I am also bisexual, and it is very common for guys with SSA that we cannot accept our sexual orientation and we hide behind PMO.
    I recommend you to create your own "Emergency Toolbox" with readings that can be handy to read when you start feeling urges to screw up.
    I can share this post with you with my own Emergency Toolbox, it helped me a lot during the first few months, i had them in my cell and read them every time I started falling down:

    I wrote some tips in this post that perhaps will help you too:
    You can watch some interesting videos which are also very helpful in this post:

    I also suggest you to read "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins, it is a must-read if you are serious about getting rid of this addiction.

    To get more focus and feel happier with life I recommend you to start doing meditation.. I have been using an App called Headspace for the last two months which is great if you have never meditated before. The first 10 sessions are free if you want to give a try. I used to feel a bit depressed or feeling without energy to start new projects in my life, and meditation has helped me a lot with this.

    Last but not least, I would strongly recommend you to take the NoFap Academy course if you can afford it. The course is great but the best value are the weekly video calls with @alexander (the creator of NoFap and NoFap Academy) and Mark Queppet, where you can chat with them in real life and listen to other guys's stories and problems too.

    I hope that all this helps you to fight this shitty addiction.
    Let's keep on fighting

    Kwarman likes this.
  5. Kwarman

    Kwarman Fapstronaut

    Hello Fercho. Thanks so much for providing me with those links. I wish to really take recovering from this seriously as I understand there are thousands if not millions of other adults dealing with the same addiction. I personally feel like the younger we are exposed to pornographic content, the worse off we will be in the long run. Also most of us have been fed the lie that masturbation is simply a 'healthy habit' that is natural for us. I can't thank you guys enough for making me feel welcomed sofar and I look forward to sharing my progress with you all in the future.
  6. I can relate to this part of your experience^ and more generally to how novelty, curiosity and lust create the situation where sexual perversion can seem acceptable. I have real empathy for what you have been through and the desperation in your pleas for support. This site has many resources. I encourage you to familiarise yourself with The Glossary (above). I am also diagnosed with major depression. You can also join the mental health group if you wish...

    Another valuable resource is this excellent website run by the scientist, Gary Wilson:-
  7. This is especially true for anyone that began their porn use with high speed internet porn. :( :( When that became freely available, the percentage of young guys reporting porn induced erectile dysfunction (PIED) rose sharply. A 1000% in some studies! :eek: This is because our brains have plasticity, and they are at their most malleable during puberty/adolescence. :oops:
  8. Kwarman

    Kwarman Fapstronaut

    Thank you IGY for all of your support. This is the first time in my entire life that i'm seeking assistance and actually being honest about what I've been going through. The last thing I want is to fall back into that dark place where pornography is the only thing that will give me any type of satisfaction in life and leaving me feeling humiliated, lonely, and emasculated. I can tell from the support that I've received so far that there are nothing but good things coming my way as I continue to speak out and interact with this community.

    You have my thanks.
  9. Hey man that's rough, but you know what's great about your situation? You know so clearly the problem you have. Ok, so the reason I quoted this post is because you say you actively identify as bi-sexual, but this (as you hypothesize) is probably mostly porn induced. You would truly know before porn if you were bi.

    I am an addict to sissy porn myself and I would like to share a conversation I had with a guy on a discord I set up for this sort of stuff.

    "Psychologically of course it's possible to get rid of this! :) Though you really have to treat it like you would smoking, alcohol, or drugs. You need to either negatively enforce the circuits of addiction and the surrounding circuits or starve them. What I mean by circuits are the feed back loops you have created watching this porn. Here is how one would typically fall into those circuits. First surrounding circuits, >go to the bathroom< >thinking masochistic feminine thoughts< >picking up phone< >seeing women's clothes<. Primary direct circuits would be things like, >watch sissy porn = masturbating = dopemine = watching sissy porn< >wearing women's clothing = watching sissy porn = masterbation = dopimine = watching sissy porn = big release.< We as "addicts" of sissy porn however can not really use negative reinforcement (depends on the person though) to solve our addiction. We need to instead starve these neural circuits. What I mean is simply quit porn and let the following neural plasticity take place. We have wired our brains to think that things that are not inherently sexual (womens clothing, bags, shopping, girl like behavior) and things we wouldn't desire to be sexually attracted to (I don't want to get too triggering, you can imagine the transexual and homosexual things advertised in this type of P) and wired them to our masturbation = dopamine = pleasure circuit. And not only that but we have done this with surrounding actions and for a SUSTAINED PERIOD OF TIME. So try to cut most things sexual out of your life. However the longer you have gone on the worse it will be but you can still get out.

    Funnily enough I started writing this for this person in order to help them but in many ways It tricked me into helping myself. I also had to do some research, which made me more informed on addiction too. I now have a new confidence, too, I just admitted out loud that this is possible and given myself a scientifically accurate method out. I have now, no excuses, and it feels... liberating. Knowing this hasn't made my urges go down but it makes me stronger in my conviction. It's not that there is vague relapse thing and if I do it it's bad. No it degrades, I need to literally get this out of my memory, and I cannot relapse in logical conscience. I know all it will do will make it longer, and if I don't want it to get worse thus I cannot prolong it.

    I also had some further talks that I would like to share. The person I was talking with asked me this.

    "So if I understand it correctly, I not only need to get rid of the porn, but the stuff as well that triggers the cravings. So next step is to observe and collect these triggers. Do you guys already have a list of these stuff?"

    I then responded "For person's question, this is a little embarrassing for me but I'll share to make a point. The surrounding triggers are different for every body, but I'll share mine. I in the height of my sP addiction I did a lot of aM (I'm not going to say directly, figure it out) . So my triggers are two-fold, pooping was and still is a sub circuit for me, merely looking and touching the soap bottles I used is a triggering topic, even washing myself in the showering was triggering (though I shower so much now, I no longer have that trigger), and even coconut oil. Also the other triggers are when I'm doing stuff like my sister's laundry, or opening a private window on opera or safari. Basically anything that was used as the means to get that sweet sweet dopamine will be used as a subcircuit, in fact our hole addiction is based of our brains being heavily altered by subcircuits. This sP ain't natural, though It has connectors like regular porn of women to connect dopamine to "c*** worship." You don't have to get rid of the things that triggered the cravings just be around them and use them with out the result, dopamine. For example sometimes if I am feeling strong and really non-urgey, then I will re-organize the bathroom cupboard. It's not that you need to throw them a way, and I would say actually don't, just start to use them and operate without them being connected to the dopamine, the neural plasticity will fix itself. There still is some more stuff but that's the basic idea."

    This video explains it really well. Just replace drugs and alcohol with porn.

    In conclusion, it literally is just a matter of abstaining from porn (for people like us, a LONG time), and abstaining from sexual things in general.

    Welcome to the fight.
    John Doe-nt, Kwarman and Skippy1209 like this.
  10. Skippy1209

    Skippy1209 Fapstronaut

    Hey man, welcome from a fellow newcomer.
    Sounds like you got into a bad situation but make sure your priority is getting yourself right and not beating yourself up over what you feel you've done that is wrong.
    I too found myself spiraling into more and more deviant content. Not the same as yours but suffice to say it was stuff that I'm not yet comfortable talking about even anonymously here and even used to condemn in conversation even as it was in my phone's web history.
    As long as you stayed away from kiddie porn and snuff you haven't got anything too be ashamed of really. I feel like escalation is, unfortunately, a natural part of porn addiction.

    In the 24 hours I've been here I've read a lot that has inspired me and given me hope.

    You're doing the right thing so stay strong and go for it.
    Kwarman likes this.
  11. Kwarman

    Kwarman Fapstronaut


    Hey man. I definitively appreciate all the help and support that i've been given so far. Just a few days ago I didn't even consider watching porn to be anything self destructive or serious until I really started researching and looking into it myself. That's when I stumbled upon NoFap and decided enough was enough. Joining this community is probably one of the best choices i've ever decided to make in life as even after only a single day i'm already seeing results. I've deleted pretty much every lewd image from my phone and unsubscribed to anything that I feel like might trigger me into the desire to engage in PMO again.

    In regards to my bisexuality, I still find myself attracted to certain types of men but it's something that I have accepted at this point and I don't feel as though it is something I can get rid of simply by abstaining from porn. My father was not around much in my life and it made me look up to other men until it reached a point of attraction. But who knows. I still like women but maybe they will become my primary desire if I get a grip on life and stay away from porn. Only time will tell.

    Thanks friend.
    Maninsearchofasoul likes this.
  12. Kwarman

    Kwarman Fapstronaut

    Hey thanks for reaching out to me. I have alot of friends who are in the same boat but they refuse to realize the implications of their actions. They have gone down the rabbit hole as I have and are watching more extreme types of porn that I can see is changing them and their personality. I wish alot more people would come around to the realization that porn is destructive and can really damage your livelihood and relationships.

    It's only been my first day staying away from PMO and I honestly had a hard time falling asleep last night. Either way I can already feel myself making improvements that I did not think was going to be possible. Many thanks to you.
  13. Skippy1209

    Skippy1209 Fapstronaut

    No probs man. I think it's like a roller coaster, I'm almost a week in (and did a month or so a couple of years ago) and in my experience it gets easier as you go along and start putting your energy into different and healthier pursuits with a few moments of trial and temptation sporadically along the way.

    If you need a compadre along the way, hit me up
  14. Oh sorry I assumed, but I just know many who have been falsely led to believe a sexuality they were not. In any case the sP stuff ain't natural, so go a little past 1 day, your dopamine brain will hate it, but you'll feel much better for it. ;)
    Don't stop.
  15. Hi. Welcome to forum!

    Make sure you create a personal journal thread in Reboot Logs section and blog there on a regular basis. As well as just generally be active participant in various forum discussions. I recommend this to everybody new here because it's the major thing that helped me when I was first starting. Just lurking on forums, reading and learning is great. But it usually is so much more powerful to engage. It helps to keep us motivated and accountable when we are active part of community. And keeps this in front of our minds so we don't forget about importance of it and slip away in our old habits. Sharing is also therapeutic. This is a major reason why AA meetings work so good. But that was developed before internet era. These days we can get most of the same benefits online through communities like this. So don't underestimate the power of active participation.

    I would also like to suggest you to look into mindfulness meditation. It has helped me personally tremendously to learn how to deal with urges and triggers. It takes a while to get good at it and notice results, so you need to be consistent with it, but once you do it's very powerful. It has been used by sages for thousands of years to deal with various issues of the mind. And in recent decades the science is also catching up to what ancient sages have know for centuries. Meditation these days are widely used as very effective tool by psychologists for treating addiction and by neurologists for supporting recovery of the brain after physical injury. Plus it is generally a great exercise for the brain the same way as jogging is great exercise for the body.

    You gotta make sure it is proper mindfulness meditation though. "Mindfulness" meditation where we just focus on breath is more like a concentration meditation instead. It works too but differently and not as powerfully in my experience. Real mindfulness meditation however trains you to accept your urges by understanding the nature of them by observing them, not just suppress them by concentrating on something else instead. It makes you comfortable with them. And once you accept and become comfortable with them there is no need to get rid of them, so there is no need to PMO. Only reason why we PMO is because that urge, that itch in our crotch is uncomfortable, we wanna get rid of it. And then after PMO we have our release. Or we simply want pleasure. And inability to have that pleasure makes us uncomfortable. But if we accept that we can not have pleasure then resistance is gone and there is no reason to PMO.

    Acceptance and mindfulness is the key. Check out this Ted talk on acceptance and mindfulness practice, it gives a good idea of what's it's about when it comes to philosophy. The mindfulness practice as described by psychologist in a the video can be used by itself but ideally should be used as supplementation to your daily sitting meditation. Sitting meditation I personally practice and recommend to people is as explained by meditation expert in this YouTube playlist. If you don't like the monk or want other method there is this awesome smartphone app called Headspace for guided meditations.

    Wish you lot's of strength and success in your reboot journey!
  16. goodnice

    goodnice Fapstronaut

    We got your back bro. You are not too far gone. And we and God loves you no matter what you've been through.

    You can still change your destiny. Don't lose hope, whatever you do. There is ALWays a way out and connecting here can be the impetus that drives you to change your life

    I made a thread

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