In need of friends who have been in my shoes and have words of wisdom

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Icedwife, Apr 28, 2018.

  1. Icedwife

    Icedwife New Fapstronaut

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    I found out Feb 10, 2017 that my husband was having phone sex with a woman he had known for years in another state while he was on the road for work. He called me in the middle of my full on melt down because I had discovered it 10 minutes before his call. The next day at 6:30 in the morning he called and all he said was, "I masturbate so much "PORN" I don't have enough feeling to have sex with you, enough embarrassing shit for one day" and hung up. I have been dealing with it ever since, he remained on the road with work only coming home a couple times a month. Most attempts at sex were epic failures because of PIED. I knew there was not any way to work on things with us with him on the road. In November, he lost his job and has been home ever since. I have to say I was grateful he had lost his job and would be able to be here with me so we could get things back on track. The opposite has happened, because he is home all day he will watch up to 3-4 hours of porn a day. I have confronted him multiple times and get anything from "give me time", "to I will try" to "Leave me the Hell alone, we need to divorce." I don't want a divorce but I don't know how to go on like this either. We started with a counselor, he made it 3 visits before bailing out this week. I've done so much reading that I feel now I have a good understanding of his behavior. But he will not even have the conversation with me to explain that a lot of what he is experiencing is a result of the PMO....... so here I am...... looking for words of wisdom because I know this change has to come from within him.
     
  2. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry for what you're going through. You are not alone; for better AND for worse, you'll find a lot of company here at NoFap.
    Shame can be so overpowering for some people, it could be physically painful. He's got screwing up his marriage, the porn addiction, and the erectile dysfunction going on; that'll do for starters. Perhaps scheduling a time to talk strategy with him so as to give him some control, say Tuesday nights 7-8 (maybe an extra night if you need it). I'm guessing your husband isn't much of a talker--would writing things out help?
    How did you pick this therapist? It sounds like you've done a lot of homework on porn addiction; does this therapist know anything about it? I met a psychologist about a month ago who is treating a man who can get it up for porn, but not for his wife. The psychologist never heard of PIED. Since we here at NoFap are to porn addiction the way Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob were in the 1930s to AA, you may have to educate the therapist. It's important that, at the very least, they have expertise in addiction, not just experience (which therapist HASN'T treated a couple of addicts?) but actually licensed or certified. Perhaps a male therapist would be better, or a female if the counselor was a male? Perhaps your husband has other untreated psychiatric issues. Oddly enough, your husband's quitting might have presented an opportunity.
    Ignoring the addiction is a no-no, but your husband and your marriage will need to replace it. Hopefully it's not nonstop arguing in the house. Give yourselves some breathing room with doing just about anything else than arguing and talking about the porn addiction.
    I hope you have at least one or two friends or family members with whom you could talk this over. You may come to the conclusion that you may need to separate and ultimately divorce. How long have you already been married? Do you have children? If yes, how old? What would your financial situation be like if you divorce? Some people simply can't divorce because of their financial situation.
    Finally, do take care of yourself. No matter what happens to your marriage, you will need to be with yourself. Besides, you stand a better chance at having a healthy marriage if you give yourself some separation and self-care. Make a point to go out with a friend or family member once a week for coffee, or have them over. See a good movie. Read a good book. But make it about yourself.
    Good luck.
     
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2018
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  3. Icedwife

    Icedwife New Fapstronaut

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    We have been married 22 years and have a daughter in college. When I got him to agree to a counselor he gave me the criteria of what this person should be. I Got on the insurance website and found 10 that met his wishes. Next day I gave it to him and then waited 2 weeks. Got frustrated and confronted him about it. So we argued and then later that night he picked 3. I called and made appointments with all of them for us to ty out. Went to the first one, he said she would be fine and then went from there. 3 visits later he still had not brought up the issue of the addiction, but in the third session I brought up the phone sex, visit for a little heated and we agreed to go talk about it all as soon as we left so we could move forward. Walked across the street, and had that conversation where he said on Monday he would call the counselor to get the name of a male to discuss the addiction with. (He picks dthat counselor had to be female to begin with) Monday came and went, nothing. I waited, next appointment on Friday, we went and nothing was asked. I waited some more until this Thursday when I just couldn’t because I looked at his computer and he had been getting on porn the second I would leave for work. So I tried to calmly confront him, he blew up. Said I need to learn to shut my mouth and we need to divorce. I looked at him and said “Your really willing to loose your family for porn?” Again, “shut my mouth and you can cancel our counselor appointment” So I didn’t speak the rest of the night, he shut himself in our daughters room. I left for work the next morning without seeing him. When heading home I prepped myself for him to be gone. He was here but we avoided each other for a couple of hours until he got a phone call from a friend and then wanted to tell me what was said. So small talk started, then another phone call from another friend.......(his male friend who is a swinger with his wife) he put it on speaker and talked with him about 30 minutes about how he hasn’t found a new girlfriend, sex complaints from his wife and so on. At 45 minutes until our appointment with the counselor I got up and changed to go. When he was off the phone he asked me if he could make me dinner, I told him no I was going to our session and would be back after..... he said fine. Came home to a cold reception, he watched tv until 12:30 in the living room and then went to bed in our daughters room again. We don’t fight unless I bring it up, but I’ve only been able to go about 2 weeks before I can’t handle it anymore and say something. Getting harder and harder to give him space and time to get his shit together and realize what this is doing. I really need help with how to be the supportive wife who will get him through this.
     
  4. Your PA has to hit some sort of rock bottom before he _might_ then choose to pursue recovery.

    HE must do the choosing though...you cannot force him to go into recovery -- I mean, you can, but it won't stick / won't work in my opinion.
     
    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 likes this.
  5. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    This is hard, hard stuff. What are you doing to take care of yourself? Going anyway to the therapist is good, but therapy is one tool in the shed, not the entire solution. How are you sleeping? Eating? Are you exercising? Are you spending time with your friends/family/church? Are you doing anything that's enjoyable? You need to make your own space, whether or not your husband chooses to change.
     
    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  6. Icedwife

    Icedwife New Fapstronaut

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    I have a good job and know I can take care of myself if it comes to that. I don’t have any friends or family that I trust with this information so I’m on an island when it comes to that. Havnt found what I’m going to do with my time for me. I used to be a fitness instructor but the job I have now didn’t allow time for it too. I need to get back to the gym, not eating much but counselor has said I have to force myself so I’m trying. Sleep is hit or miss, depends on the day.
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you feel that this therapist is someone that you can see on your own and will address this issue for you? Betrayal trauma and his denial/gas lighting? Is he/she trained specifically for sex/porn addiction? If not, it may be a good idea to find one that is for yourself.

    You said you are prepared to take of yourself if need be. If you are really honest with yourself, do you think it is time to tell him to move out? You have to protect yourself. If he wants to continue to use and not respect your boundaries, or your heart, then you need him to do it elsewhere. You are not forcing him to give it up, that has to be his choice, but you are sending the message that you will not tolerate it any longer in your life. Your physical and emotional health depends on it.
     
  8. self healing

    self healing Fapstronaut

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    I never opened up to any of my friends or family either. NoFap is a godsend particularly in that way. But hanging around with friends and family can help.
    I've been dealing with anxiety and sleeplessness caused by another situation in my life, but the strain on my marriage due to porn addiction hasn't helped. My doc told me that adequate sleep is essential in dealing with the anxiety. He gave me the green light to use a benadryl nightly. I personally don't like the prescription sleep aides as they can be addictive and/or cause blackouts, but you may want to try out some sleep hygiene techniques--no electronics an hour before sleep, dim lights, keeping to schedule, eating a banana, lavender scent. Some studies show yoga is useful too.
     

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