In Need of Spiritual Advice

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by KeenEye, May 19, 2015.

  1. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

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    Greetings Fapstronauts

    Let me start off by saying that I'm not a follower of any specific religion, so you guys won't feel like this thread is to a specific group of people.
    I have a problem which I think is making me lose my sanity. It's affecting my reboot too, as when I broke my previous 22 days streak, I seriously began to believe in a kind of devilish/antagonistic/demonic entity feeding our confusion, low esteem, restlessness- unconsciousness in general. Because I had done nothing wrong in my reboot. The farthest I went was watching a few seconds of music video but immediately closing it and doing 20 push ups in response. But one night I couldn't sleep for an hour and when I finally slept I woke up half an hour later CONTROLLED by a desire to FMO (F= fantasy). I didn't even find it nearly as pleasurable as I used to and it took seconds to ejaculate. The agony that came after I did it was terrible.

    You know what my problem is? it's like there's a demonic entity living inside me that ruins everything I believe to be good. It says: "why do this and not that? You're pathetic. Your friends and family are pathetic. Everyone who is on your side is worthless, inferior, and deserves pity. Only the people whom you don't think are great are superior. If a person you respect becomes your friend, he/she becomes worthless and inferior to".
    It's like every value I have is inferior and illusory. It's basically saying: only the illusory things are real and the things in which you are most knowledgeble are illusory. Even when I read something profoundly wise, it says: this is nothing. The effect it has on you will disappear and you will soon fall down a pit of unlimited doubt and confusion. The Buddhists are inferior. The Stoics are inferior. The Yogis, Jesus, Eckhart Tolle, William James, James Allen: they are all inferior and what they say is just wishful thinking. It has to invade every aspect of my life. Even when I wrote this I had 3-4 attacks of that nature.
    See how every core value I have gets attacked continously? am I insane? or do I just give too much heed to this inner voice? do I have the choice to spend the rest of my life in joy or am I trapped with this forever?
    Do I even have the right to thrive and live a spiritual life free from confusion and restlessness?

    This ego/entity/unwelcome self's insistence that I become its slave is affecting everything I do. While on the other hand, I seem to be conquering it. I also have techniques to kill it but it says the won't work. It even says I'm desensitized to the effects that my spiritual practices such as thought observation, or being in the present moment, have on me. I know that I am giving it even more power by labeling it as a problem, but as I usually say, my insane thoughts have taken me so far away that I need other people's clear thoughts to remain on my path to my highest self. Because when you make something your personal problem, you fail at solving it gracefully, while others can give you clear answers.

    What do you think? Do you have this "entity" too? How can I be free of it?
    Thank you for reading by the way
     
  2. Gilbert

    Gilbert Fapstronaut

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    I think we definitely all have this 'entity' - myself being a Christian I of course recognise it to be spiritual attacks from the devil. This enemy hates any sort of closeness to God and if we let it, will spend a lot of time tempting us, telling us we're worthless, perhaps worst of all keeping us in a state of apathy - that is, not caring or trying to improve one's self. Recognising these attacks, giving yourself a pep-talk, praying if you were of faith, all help to protect against temptations.

    Never let yourself believe whatever lies this 'entity' tells you, whatever you believe it to be, because we can all improve and become better people and beat this addiction even though we're told it's impossible and are so often tempted back into it. Just tell yourself it's all lies, and that there's no reasoning or logic behind a permanent life of misery and despair - we all deserve to be happy and free from slavery and whatnot.

    Also would you say you're at all an anxious or paranoid person? Perhaps that may be something worth having checked out.

    Best of luck pal
     
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  3. DannyCool

    DannyCool Fapstronaut

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    just relax there is no problem - this is a great opportunity to connect more with meditation - that is what your thoughts are asking you to do they are asking to be loved
     
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  4. Do not kill this "entity", Keeneye. It is a part of you. If you kill it you will just create a hole and fill it with something worse. Instead make it your friend. Invite it back to once again become a part of you.

    I think that what you think of as an entity is the result of self-objectification from years of porn use. You judge yourself by your looks and find yourself unworthy. You could never be good enough to have sex with one of those hotties you PMO to. Thus you start to self-deprecate, thinking you are good at nothing, that your life is worthless, that everything is without meaning. You sicken to the world. Organic things become disgusting. Nothing is important. You are adrift in meaninglessness.

    I've felt this too in the depths of my PMO addiction. It is just a diseased part of you looking out at your life and objectifying it, judging it, regarding it as empty and worthless.

    The best way I have found to reconcile this grumpy homunculus is to get involved in activities that you are passionate about, activities that fill up your life with meaning. I did this with writing and getting involved with this forum, you need to find your own passion. Whatever it is it needs to have enough power over your soul that you lose your being in that activity and your grumpy homunculus becomes an enthusiastic volunteer.
     
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  5. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    This entity is keeping you from the vulnerability of feeling good about something. So basically when you feel good, you feel vulnerable so your thoughts turn dark so you no longer feel vulnerable or naked. Does this make sense? Sometimes we grow up in households where feeling good is frowned upon. What was your household like? Was it positive or negative? I agree with mumchance that this thing you call an entity is part of you and you shouldn't see it as seperate. It's just your thoughts creating this separation from good feelings.
     
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  6. d4kshadow

    d4kshadow Fapstronaut

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    This is a great opportunity to go for a spiritual war of sorts within you. You enemy - the thoughts that belittles you - is definitely strong. A face to face attack will definitely have you defeated and dejected. You need to find a strategy to deal with this enemy very well.

    First of all understand who the enemy is. Look at it hard. It is coming from a portion of mind that you have chosen to not inspect very well. It is like an unkempt portion of a garden. No matter what roses you plant there, the weeds will grow high. The only option there is to get to your knees and pluck out the weeds one by one. Start on the fringes of the enemy closer to you. Little by little try to understand who you really are and what your enemy is made up of. Do not hurry into conclusions or attacks. Take your days and weeks to slowly understand what is happening here.

    Some tips:

    1. Journal daily whenever you get time. Keep a Google Doc if you are closer to technology or a notebook and pen if you are not. When you get time, think with the journal in hand. Think by writing the things down. The healthy part of your brain and your heart will feed you with ideas on what to do, how to approach your problems and so on. You need to give your heart a chance.
    2. Watch good videos on YouTube. Do not distance yourself from a video if apparently it looks religious (Christian, Hindu, Islamic, Buddhist etc.). After all religion exists for thousand years because it made sense to millions.
    3. Keep away from people who discourage you or talks down on you.

    You say that you have tried your spiritual practices and it failed. You may have learned to walk also the same way. Just because you fell 23 times, you did not decide to crawl from there on. Did you?
     
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  7. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

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    So Gilbert and d4kshadow agree that this 'entity' is the very same ego (or even the Devil) that is the primary obstacle to spiritual realization. And
    DannyCool, mumchance, and Limeaid say that it is simply a part of my mind that I have misunderstood by wanting it to go away. The strange thing is there is truth to both.
    I'll reply to each separately:


    Thanks. You point out that what it mostly tells me are illusions. Great point about how it's not reasonable to live a life of misery and despair. Whatever this entity is- demonic or just an unhealthy mind- it stands against reason. To answer your question: I may be an anxious person, and I think I was paranoid up until last year and I still have paranoid thoughts come to me from time to time. But how would I know for certain that I am?

    I call this technique 'flow' and it's in one of my journals that define my goals. For some reason, my enthusiasm for using this technique got killed ever since I incorporated it into my lifestyle (by the entity fellow I suspect). I need this I agree. Some days I am so scattered and multi task so much that I can't direct my energy into one thing for a while, be focused on it. I exercise 6 times a week and it's the most glorious part of the day. I enjoy even the pain that comes from testing my limits. Writing is also a great idea. That night before I slept I wrote down all the "problems" that I was told were making me discontent in short sentences. After writing down all of them, I wrote down positive things this time and also the things that were actually true and reasonable. It was a turning point. It would be comforting if it is PMO-related as you say. I also think it has a deep connection with PMO, and it always lost power on my 20th days. Maybe it felt threatened that's why it compelled me to PMO?
     
  8. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

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    It does actually make sense now that I think of it. Growing up, my parents argued from time to time and there was beating involved. My father was, let's just say, a resentful, jealous, and miserable man. They got divorced when I was 5. Being 4-5 would be the time that this destructive second self appeared. I had a very bad posture at this time, as my head, shoulders, and back were always hunched over and people would always have to remark on that (negatively). The reason for this was that I was afraid of being beaten up by him all the time and thus my posture. It wasn't just posture, I was also very cowardly, insecure, had inferiority complex, and even now I continously on an unconscious level avoid negative responses from people or just try to prevent them. Somehow I think with nofap it will go away, and I've made great progress in this regard.
    Sometimes I think that my inner conflicts are even more destructive than the entity itself, so I agree that I shouldn't separate things. I've used the method of surrendering and welcoming any thoughts I have so I wouldn't harm myself in the process of eliminating these thoughts. One time I hit my head 4-5 times as a result of endless doubting :D


    I do all 3! but I need to do 1 and 3 with more focus and dedicate more time to 1. I used to write more about my life in journals but now it's more like a philosophical journal which I would visit only when I have thoughts worth recording.
    Fortunately, all that I recieved from my spiritual practices were benefits. I think it's just a strategy of the entity that I got lost in my practices and stopped doing some of them. For example, I am reminded daily "what happened to your practice of accepting everything? or putting yourself in uncomfortable situations? why dont' you visualize negative situations anymore? it's gone now isn't it? you used to be better but now you're just lost and empty". Or when I am in the middle of my practice it says it's not working, you're failing. So my spiritual practice includes dealing with those thoughts too now. Lately I started humming meditation and it's great. I will crawl out of this pit of PMO and this pit of endless doubt. I'm giving my recovery from PMO and my detachment from negativity more focus now, as my last relapses put me on some sort of threshold.

    Whatever this entity is, the methods of dealing with it are similar. I need to be compassionate with myself when I think and act. Accept whatever thoughts that arise, and be as non judgemental as I can when I get the worthless kinds of thoughts. I need to meditate more, be immersed more in activities, surround myself with people who are uplifting, recover from PMO, write more, and apply reason instead of feelings to the workings of this entity, because it seems that reason brings it to light. I need to be aware and in control, rather than be unaware and be controlled. Thank you for the responses guys, and sorry if my replies were too long. I wanted to do justice to the replies I got by answering to each as fully as needed.
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2015
  9. IGY

    IGY Guest

    KeenEye, I have read the above comments with interest and there a 3 points to consider:
    • Is the voice ever audible? This would indicate some psychiatric problem i.e. psychosis. If so, you need to speak to your doctor.
    • Is the voice your own inner dialogue, but one that is unswervingly negative? This would indicate a psychiatric problem i.e. depression. If so, you need to speak to a dr.
    • Is the voice something you would classify as alien to you? This would indicate the possibility of some kind of demon possession. If so, devout prayer to God to be freed.
     
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  10. Bale

    Bale Fapstronaut

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    Hi KeenEye,

    I might be wrong but I believe I have been in a similar situation in the past. I am a rational person so I would never believe that an external entity is talking to me. Instead, I think it is just my contemplative self taking height and observing my life or what I am doing at a particular moment. I think it is actually a form of mindfulness, what it tells you is nothing more than an expression of the intimate view you have about yourself and others. In the present case, this contemplative self is merely making you aware that you do not bear much value for yourself or others. Some communication and psychology specialists would say that this state of mind is a sign of desperation and very likely a precursor to depression. What could help you think more positively?
     
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  11. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

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    I think it's the second one. But I live in the Middle East, we don't have docotors. Though I'm fine with that because I don't think having a doctor is that neccessary. I have dealt with this well, so well that I am convinced that part of me was feeling threatened that I had gone 22 days fap-free with so little arousal. It may seem from my post that I am desperate and this is killing me but the case is not that extreme. This is the only "problem" I have in my life and gettig rid of it would make me free to think, do, and feel the way I do.
    Am I wrong or does your third point sound sarcastic? :D I call entity because it's similar. It is 'inhabiting' my body and mind, it is antagonistic with me being happy and careless, and it is also contradictory with most of my values. So that's why I see it as "foreign". But I know well that I am giving it power by listening to it, giving it focus and attention and responding negatively to it.

    I agree that it's not a horned figure staring at me intensely. I'm not supersitious either as I know the line between supersition and spirituality. But as I said to IGY, it has similarities to an entity, as something that is unwelcome. It's related to some kind of obsession with negative thinking. It's also related to PMO, because it goes away most of the time when I'm in my longer streaks.
    I have a technique that I use that has many benefits that is not wholly new but might sound new to you: we have a wooden samurai word and I use that for my technique. I hold the sword and face somewhere and I am aware/present. A thought comes, usually an obssessive or negative one, I swing the sword as if I just killed it. I face somewhere else and do the same. I have four directions to face and I go on and on until the pattern of such worthless thinking is weakened and I am more aware with less fog. It's always great when I do it. Sometimes I do it right before I meditate and before I study, when my mind does not quiet.
    You may call it as an unhealthy mind, ego, obsession with negative thinking, insecurity. It's related to the other things that other fapstronauts are trying to deal with, it's not some alien problem exclusive to KeenEye!
     
  12. Bale

    Bale Fapstronaut

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    Wouldn't you agree to describe it as a form of "beating yourself up"? When things are going wrong, when you are not living according to your values, then the idea you have of yourself depreciates. Reciprocally, the more you stay away from porn, the more you fight your unwelcome thoughts with your sword (or any other technique), the more harmony there is between your actions and your ambitions. It is indeed a general problem that anyone can experience, you and I are definitely no exception. Please correct me if this is not what you meant.
     
  13. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

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    I would! the negative thoughts and feelings and their sources are so mixed up that I would have to use very general techniques, which fortunately makes it simple for me as to what to do. There're many ways to deal with it. For example, setting tasks to do throughout the day to avoid random or unconscious behavior. I find that behaving randomly makes it likely for me to PMO and thus the negative vicious cycle that makes me want to kill myself emerges again.
    lol I laughed at the "fight your unwelcome thoughts with your sword". The thing is i am quite resourceful when it comes to how to be happy or how to be this or that, but there are barriers between me and doing those things which sometimes makes me feel like I don't have that option.
     
  14. transmute

    transmute Fapstronaut

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    Do not mean to bring drugs into this, but read this report on Erowid, about a dark entity that had latched itself onto the author, and negative thoughts and feelings are what it is what feeding on,

    The report is titled 'Evicting the Entity' for goodness sakes:

    Around four hours or so ago, I felt a very intense impulsive/intuitive push to pull out an ace I've had up my sleeve, so to speak. It's been quite an interesting evening, to say the least...

    I measured out approximately 30 mg and downed it with a small quantity of water, noting that the taste of this stuff sans-gel cap is fairly icky. Worse than the taste itself, tho, is the way it lingers on the palate for 30 minutes or so, regardless of what one may try to rinse out one's mouth. Oh well. Live and learn. I sat down and began to center myself a bit, and within around 30 minutes or so was hit totally broadside by an unexpectedly intense entheogenic state of consciousness that materialized extremely quickly. There was very little transition, if any at all - just 1 minute nothing, then the next, it was all there (gulp!)

    I wasn't entirely sure what my conscious intent had been - as I said earlier, this was a completely intuitive/impulsive endeavor - but it certainly hadn't been this. Oh well. It was where I was, and therefore exactly where I needed to be at that moment in my development, so I surrendered to it. Resistance was obviously futile...I was to be assimilated.

    Even though I had explored this material on several prior occasions at the same dose, this particular experience was of an entirely different order of magnitude as far as intensity, depth, and visionary content were concerned. During the most powerful phase of the trip I often found myself spontaneously lapsing into trance and undergoing visionary episodes of utterly remarkable vividness and clarity, within which highly important information of a deeply personal nature was being conveyed to me. I find Acey to be a very unique material in this regard; it seems to combine phenethylamine and tryptamine like aspects into what has the potential to be a very powerful tool for inner work. It has just enough of that euphoric, sensually delicious tactile-enhancement quality that is common to the PEAs to act as the carrot-on-a-stick to lead the journeyer through the looking glass and down the rabbit hole, so to speak. But once one is really in it, then whammo! The dreamy, trancey, content-rich vision state that is the hallmark of tryptamine materials takes over, and one is suddenly confronted with whatever is bubbling underneath the surface of one’s psyche.

    The most intense of these episodes occurred when I noticed a certain hollow, empty feeling begin to unfold within me, and it seemed to be physically located within my chest cavity, directly underneath my left nipple. During the months immediately preceding this journey, I had begun working through a process of dealing with a lack of self-love, and feelings of being unworthy of real love, the root causes of which I am still uncovering, being to some degree occluded from my conscious awareness. This was an occurrence of those inner tendencies rearing their head once more. Spontaneously, I had the intuition to begin doing breathwork, visualizing sending white light energy into that hollow pocket with each breath, filling it with love, affection, and acceptance. Almost immediately, I lapsed into deep trance.

    In my mind’s eye, I saw that hollow pocket as a whirlpool-like hole within my energetic body, leeching me of strength & vitality. I continued breathing light and love into it, and as I did, the center of the whirlpool seemed to break free of its moorings underneath my left breast and slowly moved to the right, stopping in the center of my body near my solar plexus. The whirlpool then seemed to slow its rotation, and as it did it began to coalesce into something solid: a still rotating, multi-limbed, arachnoid/octopoid creature of some sort. The rotation slowed to a stop, and as it continued to condense, I was overcome with the utterly horrific sensation that there was an actual being that was writhing around spasmodically within the center of my chest cavity…and whatever it was, it certainly wasn’t friendly!

    I perceived this entity in vivid detail, and it was truly terrifying – an arachnoid monster straight out of the works of H.R. Giger, part flesh and bone, part machine, and completely and totally malevolent in intent. At any moment I expected it to burst out through my breastbone as per John Hurt’s gruesome fate in the movie Alien. I was struck with a strong sense that whatever the hell this thing was, it was the sort of entity that gets its nourishment from negative energies and emotions in humans such as those I described earlier. I had apparently been a smorgasbord for this thing for quite a while, and due to my recent efforts to begin direct, intensive work on the aforementioned aspects of my character, it was no longer getting its daily ration from me. It was not at all happy about this, to say the least, and was basically throwing a temper tantrum inside my chest.

    Eventually the vision faded and my awareness returned to the external world. There wasn’t much of a well-defined sense of transition to this, or of resolution to the experience. It was very much like awakening in the middle of a rather vivid dream – one minute you’re one place, and the next thing you know, you’re somewhere else entirely. I was, however, left with a rather clear sense that what had been going on was that this entity and I were finally separating; that by embarking upon the inner work that I have referred to previously I was effectively serving it with a long-overdue eviction notice.

    - Trey
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2015
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  15. Bale

    Bale Fapstronaut

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    This resonates a lot within me because it reminds me how frustrating it can be when you realize you can give out advice to others while being unable to apply it to yourself. Knowledge is accessible to anyone, but wisdom is not. We learn a lot about how our minds work, and yet sometimes it feels like we have absolutely no control, no desire, no "fire within". Perhaps the missing ingredient is some form of spirituality, which can help us apply what we know. Just like interdisciplinarity at school is designed to make students connect different areas of knowledge.
     
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  16. IGY

    IGY Guest

    You are wrong. I am deadly serious.
     
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  17. transmute

    transmute Fapstronaut

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    It's the entity residing on his back that makes him doubt your sincerity IGY :eek:

    IGY is one of the most sincere and genuine, heartfelt and caring users around here ;)
     
    Last edited: May 20, 2015
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  18. KeenEye

    KeenEye Fapstronaut

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    I always thought somehow that you were a secular/non believer guy. I can't say I believe in demonic possessions the way hollywood describes it. Do you know of any such case?

    hahah I wasn't doubting his sincerity, only his seriousness.
    Transmute I read the journal you'd sent but I didn't understand how he had those experiences. Did he do drugs? and is he talking about real life or is it a chapter from a book of his that describes one of his characters being possessed?
     
  19. IGY

    IGY Guest

    That's kind of you to say so, transmute. Sadly, some people get caught up with the occult and, as a result, can be dreadfully influenced and controlled by a sinister force! :(
     
  20. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Hi KeenEye. I am Christian and talk openly about my faith to people that have openly declared theirs (including non-Christian ones, which I greatly respect). But I am careful not to introduce my personal beliefs to people that expressly do not want such comments or even those who have not made their position clear. Maybe, my mistake here was that my original comments were too brief to convince you I was in earnest. But, as I sad, I didn't want to 'preach' at you. As for depression, I have had a clinical depressive illness for 10 years. So, I can relate to a very negative inner dialogue. I wish you well in managing that, especially in trying to deal with this horrid addiction. :)
     
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