In some ways it's better than ever, others worse than imagined

TLDR: In a partnership, want to quit porn for my health, her well-being and the relationship.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for checking this out.

I am a 34yo straight (although queer in some ways), cisgendered male. I'm into mysticism and dancing and alternative systems and meditation and singing and activism and sharing. For a long time my main focus was to drink, do drugs and go to festivals and shows. I had a couple of long-term relationships and a number of hook-ups.

I watched porn through all of it. I remember when I went to university and had high-speed internet for the first time and I really got sucked in. I would watch porn and masturbate while my roommate was asleep just a few yards away. How fucked up is that?

In most of my previous sexual encounters I would find myself needing to fantasize in order to orgasm. Certainly after being with a woman a few times. I always had plenty of sex-drive to satisfy my partners, or at least it had never come up as an issue.

As I got out of drinking and drugs and partying and started living sober, I started compulsively using dating apps and picking up women. I had multiple non-monogamous open, sexual relationships. I continued my porn use. Eventually all the relationships I was in came to an end and I was in a phase of wanting to reset and be celibate. Then I fell head over heals in love with my current partner. We got to know each other from across the country and didn't have sex until about 5 months into our relationship.

We practice radical honesty (which is really just honesty). So I told her about my porn usage and she told me her feelings and fears about it: Desensitization, comparison, increasing desire for porn, lack of intimacy between the two of us, etc. This is the first extended relationship in which I've never used fantasy to cum and whenever I drift into fantasy I bring myself back into the present moment.

Now I want to cut out porn completely. It has been extremely challenging and it's clear I need more resolve and support.

It's been a grueling process so far. My partner has been hurt by my relapses. I question whether it's that big of a deal or not.

Anyway I could go on and on, but I don't know if anyone will even read this far.

Thanks for being here and all the support I may garner. Much love y'all.