Include wife in NoFap goals?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Forthright, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. Forthright

    Forthright Fapstronaut

    I'm in my first week of no porn.
    I'm married 11 years, 2 kids.
    We have had trouble with maintaining regular sex in our marriage.
    When I met my wife she had awful pain during penetrating sex most of the time. She had seen several medical specialists before we met and early on in our marriage. A few years after our first child was born we finally got it sorted out. It was only with the help of a sex therapist that we worked on having the pain gone. After our first was born, we had sex life 4 times in two years. I think it was 90% psychological. Although I don't know what fixed the problem, I am very grateful that it is gone. Part of the solution, we think, is that regular sex helps keep the pain away. Infrequent sex means the pain comes bank. Anyways, she has been 5+ years pain free during sex. We both had the conclusion that our sex life was mediocre due to that problem. I was worried about hurting her, why would I want to desire something that hurt her. Her self esteem regarding sex was terrible.

    Anyways, fast forward several years with no pain, and we still have a problem. A major factor here is me.

    During the couples sex therapy we talk about many things. I don't bring up the PMO hobby, because at the time, I thought it was genuinely not a problem. I thought it was just "something a did and it wasn't a problem".. I thought "well pretty much all guys do it".

    I have only recently figured out that this is an ADDICTION. I want to improve our marriage. I want a more fulfilling life. I don't want the shame of my desensitized desires.

    Question is:
    Do I admit to my dear wife that I have this problem? Do I admit that even though she has committed hours of therapy and the weight of holding our sex life back because of some genetic defect, I am likely the one to blame for my withholding of sexual desire for her? It would feel like a bomb shell. I can just feel the anger and resentment towards me for not bringing this up sooner, when we had countless sleepless nights arguing about how she felt like I didn't find her attractive. How she threatened to leave me until I showed up to the relationship. How she has stormed out of the house in tears and wandered the streets. Scared and feeling alone, fearing that I'm going to leave.

    Do I face that?

    Do I just get better alone?
    AncestralWarrior likes this.
  2. Slick Willie

    Slick Willie Fapstronaut

    Well most women assume, and rightly, most men masturbate regularly. So your wife doesnt need to know about the porn part. It freaks them out. Most of them anyway. My wife feels it just like cheating. So perhaps youll want to tell her youre just hooked on masturbation. And you want to stop and explore the awesome things that are suppose to happen with sperm retention.
  3. I think only you can answer that since we don't know your wife. Is she willing to help you through it or is she not empathatic enough to do so? Do you trust her enough to admit it to her? And if you do, why are you here, expressing doubt on that?
  4. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Susannah and EyesWideOpen like this.
  5. Forthright

    Forthright Fapstronaut

    She's been incredibly patient with me through discovering my cross dressing habit. She found photos of myself on my computer.
    It took a long time for her to regain trust in me after that.
    That was a chance to come totally clean and admit everything going on as at that point our marriage was at a very low place. And there was only rebuilding from that.

    On the other hand, admitting this problem may be a relief to her in knowing that I truly do desire her, but porn has totally fucked up my game. Not that I truly had any game in the first place with the ladies.

    Anyways. I'm going to see how this goes by myself.

    I'm curious to know if others have found support from their wives as accountability partners and general cheer-leader type support
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    1. If she found pictures of your cross dressing habit I assume your porn addiction wouldn't phase her. She probably already knows something is going on.

    2. What kind of answer are you looking for in asking others if their wives are their "cheerleaders"? What does it matter? Their wives are not your wife. Would some feel good stories help you? Probably not because your wife will react how your wife's going to react. Regardless, would it make or break your marriage if she wasn't your "cheerleader"? You should have zero expectations of her & her response to you admitting your addiction following an admission to a cross dressing habit.

    Good luck
    Nugget9 likes this.

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

    I would say abstain for a year or 2, then told her.
    DesperateAddict and Forthright like this.

    EXPONENTIALLY Fapstronaut

    Maybe show her the statistics how PMO destroys marriage and express to her your commitment to abstain for the better.
  9. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    Would you rather tell her yourself or have her discover it on her own? One way or another, it always comes out. Which do you think will have the better outcome?
  10. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    This is a tough question to answer. PMO addiction thrives on secrecy. Has it negatively impacted your wife / family? If the answer is yes, then you should tell your wife so she knows what has been going on and that you have a plan to overcome it. It also depends on whether or not you have been interacting with other people as you act out - how far down the rabbit hole did you go? We’re you PMO-ing while involving other people? If the answer is yes, you need to tell your wife. I think if you try to overcome this on your own (and with our help on NoFap), and you find that you are still losing the battle, you need to tell your wife as you will probably need to see a therapist to overcome PMO. I say see how the next 90 days go. If you are making significant progress and feel like you are finally getting past the addiction then you need to decide what is best for your family - will telling them make a difference at that point?

  11. I told my wife and she was incredibly supportive.

    Your wife noted your cross dressing
    and was supportive?

    Doesn’t that bode well for an honesty call?

    Asking for support is so much better
    Than getting caught.

    Therapy is an expensive lie and cover, right?
    Susannah, Numb and Nugget9 like this.
  12. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    Tell her, get it over with. She probably is suspicious anyways.
  13. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    Only by admitting you have a problem, can you begin to work on overcoming it. Who do you really trust the most in your life? Shouldn’t they know, perhaps they can help. As for the bombshell, it certainly will be. But with the disclosure of it, all the other problems in your marriage begin to makes sense. All the pieces fall into place with the truth on the table. With that truth, you always have to take ownership of it. You have to admit your role in the pain. You have to realize the damage that you have brought through the lies the secrecy. You have to know your actions led to her low self worth, her frustrations, and her loneliness. You must take responsibility for those things and then some, and reinforce in her that it wasn’t her fault.
    As for having your wife be your AP, it is usually frowned upon, but it can be one of the best ways forward. One of the problems with it is the devestation that can be wrought by the unfiltered truth of the things you’ve done. They will also help guide your recovery. The another problem is with your wife being your AP, is you can’t just go and find another one if she doesn’t work out as your AP. You could, but then it will drive a rift between the two of you and erode trust.
    Nugget9 likes this.
  14. I can only tell you from my own personal experience there was NO relief to me in knowing my mans porn problem. He truly desired me? He tells me that, as you say “I truly do desire her” but what a load of lies. Just like your wife I would cry about not feeling my man was attracted to me. I’d want to end the relationship because I felt so ugly because he didn’t desire me.I started looking up information about plastic surgery. My self esteem became almost non existent. I’m not telling this to you so you can feel bad... I just want to help you understand what she may think.

    You think it might be a relief but more than likely it will confirm her belief that you’re not attracted to her. She will tell herself “if I was sexier he wouldn’t choose porn over me” she will believe she was right all along. She will be very angry....

    Do you know what will make her even more angry though? Finding out on her own. This is a secret that will eventually come to light. The truth always comes out and if you didn’t offer it before it was found- she will not only think she’s ugly because you chose porn over her. She will be livid that you lied. Your secret was more important than her.

    Either way this won’t be easy. Being silent might seem the easy way out but 99.99% of women are more angry about lies and secrets
    Susannah and Nugget9 like this.
  15. Forthright

    Forthright Fapstronaut

    So your recommendation is to quit asap? Or tell her that I have stopped? No ongoing secrets.

    I feel as though there is a huge relief not having to hide anything already.

    She knows I have a huge shame monster holding me back from life. I can already feel it shrinking. I have faith that things will continue to get better
  16. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    Tell her ASAP and quit ASAP. I'm also a SO. There is no fast and easy way to do this. For me there was relief in all this coming out into the open, but in that relief was new and different pain. Otherwise I agree with everything Empty shell of a girlfriend has said. The lies have got to stop, and omitting things or not saying something is still a lie. Don't hid this from her because you are afraid you'll hurt her. You are already hurting her, trust me on that.
  17. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I totally agree with numb, but know it can be hard to do. Lots of luck in your relationship.

  18. I’d suggest talking to her ASAP. Most of the SO here will tell you that finding out on our own is way worse
    Nugget9 likes this.
  19. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    I agree with Empty Shell of a Girlfriend on this one.
    I have had the same response. Women are raised practically from day one to compete for men's attention almost solely on the basis of completely arbitrary, constantly changing, culturally specific, and impossible to achieve and maintain standards of physical appearance and sexual desirability. So that is where your wife is starting. When she finds out that you having been choosing to direct your sexual energy toward not only other women, but toward thousands of women that are literally impossible for any real woman to compete with, of course she will not be able to believe you desire her.
    My husband can tell me how sexy he thinks I am 100 times a day, but the fact is that his porn search history says, "blonde jailbait, big tits", but NEVER ONCE did it read "50 year old redhead with average-sized tits." I don't know many women who can truly get over that. Especially women who have had their self-confidence and self-worth relentlessly eroded by the combination of cultural messages AND their husband's implicit messages.
    Yes - I'm afraid you have to face the fact that there is no way to get out of this thing without pain for everybody. Good luck to you both.

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