Increase confidence and self-esteem

Oh man ... thats some deep in the woods stuff there. I too deal with a little of what you shared.

Im still dealing with this, so youre not alone.

My problems didnt start till jr high, when it became clear to me, no matter what I did, I would never be popular, Id never be good looking enough and Id never have the right last name. The worst years of my life. It messed me up .

Personally, I dont have answers. Im planning on seeking professional help on these matters....

I just wanted to let you know, youre not alone. Someone here can help or at least get you in the right direction.

 

I started using an app for meditation where the guide tells exactly this during sessions. But i still could not figure out how this is possible.

 

OP you are exactly the same as I was. One day I'm ready to take on the world, happy, enthusiastic, full of energy, motivated and the next day i'll be depressed, lonely, lethargic, lazy to the point i wouldn't even leave my bed, not even for food.

What I am doing now when I feel like this is trying to wake up early and force myself to get things done as soon as I wake up. Something as simple as getting straight out of my bed, getting washed and dressed and doing 50 pushups. Just force yourself to start your day off right and get things done. Do some exercise and get those endorphins pumping. Try and make yourself laugh too, even if you have to force it. I find if I can start my day with some laughter i am generally in a better and more productive mood throughout the day.

As for self esteem, that really is only down to you. The first thing I would say is don't compare yourself to others, ever. I once heard a quote it went something like this:

"don't compare your chapter 1 with someone else's chapter 20"

This really helped put some perspective on my life and where I am at. I would often look at people with confidence, hot girlfriends, a good job and skills and be so envious, jealous and would then get myself depressed because I wasn't like that. But I now tell myself that I am not like that YET. I focus on only improving myself and if I am better or not as good as others then it doesn't matter. I'll compare myself with someone else when both our work is done. The constant urge to compete with someone else, even if they have a genetic advantage or more experience at a task can be soul crushing so why constantly try to fight it? Accept where you are, visualise where you want to be and work your ass off towards it. Once you reach your goals, then you can compare yourself and see how far you've come.

Depending on what you are going after, be that a better body, health, a skill, income, social status etc you should only be focusing on yourself and putting in the work. Your toughest opponent in life is yourself, if you are competing against others as well you are only making it harder.

 

Um I apologize for not reading everything, but I latched on to : I’m trying hard and no one giving a shit.

I mean that’s kind of always going to be the case, because trying hard really is only important to you. I mean the effort is the proof of the commitment to the integrity that is you and your values.

So that’s not what anyone else can really see or experience, so I would just say to both of us, and anyone else trying really hard at things, is that effort can matter to others sometimes, but really it’s impact and ultimate value primarily rests with us.

So we might be broken, but not many folks are interested in fixing us. so that effort matters to us, and we need to keep it burning despite others not giving a shit or having a capacity to help, or support, our hard effort.

And if it’s not hard effort , then we’re just lying to ourselves and others and wasting time

 

I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to most of what you have written, the mood swings and being easily discouraged parts especially. In the last year or so I've taken up exercising properly, started NoFap, started meditating, started attempting basic behavioral therapy on myself, cut out toxicity as best I can, and in recent weeks I've committed to doing more things I truly enjoy and to stop worrying so much about things I have no real control over.

Unfortunately so far it hasn't been enough, dont get me wrong I feel better than I did this time a year ago but I still feel the same way you described nearly half the time. I've decided to seek proper external help in the form of counselling provided by my university, I feel like I've reached a brick wall in terms of what I can accomplish alone and I realise now I should have asked for help much sooner. You've taken the first step by acknowledging there is a problem and I hope that you can figure things out without needing to take the next step to professional help, BUT, if you feel like you need to, dont hesitate like I did. You're accomplishing nothing by putting it off.

 

I haven't actually started the counseling yet, as I need to wait for a reply from the university to set it up. I'll probably post about it when/if it happens so be on the lookout for that in the coming weeks.

When it comes to self help I think with a willpower of pure steel you could manage to sort things out alone, however, professional help is there for when you arent able to progress any further alone and like you say its a lottery over whether or not it will work for you. In the meantime I would recommend a book called "Feeling Good" by David Burns, it helped me a lot when I started.

 

I didn’t mean to be so terse in my ending. I think it’s really important and good what you are trying to do and putting this hard work into (no pmo and trying to build up your love of yourself / self worth)

That is such a hard and long endeavor and not enough people give themselves the clarity or the time and energy to do these things soon enough.

You’re not alone, we’re working right along with you. The clearer the notes we can produce, the more equanimity and beauty that could come from the collective songs we all put together.

 

Just an update for you, I got a response from the university telling me to call them and find out the times for the drop in sessions so I can attend one, from there a decision will be made on how to proceed. I dont go back there until Wednesday anyway so its going to be at least another few days before I can do anything, hopefully Thursday assuming there are sessions on that day.

 

Yes, I have started to be more accepting of myself in every possible way to as a strategy for self-help and emotional healing. I suffer from PTSD since many many years and letting go is a big issue with me.

Daily prayers, working spiritually finding myself and my roots and acknowledging them as a big part of me has been a major help for me.

when it comes to self esteem and confidence I have great physical frame at 6 feet 4 225 going to the gym 4-5 times a week however my state of mental health and calm is not where I wan't it to be so even though I give people the impression I am an imposing, impressive and strong creature, I think I give them mixed signals as I have had issues with confidence and self-esteem for all my life. This is getting gradually better though.

 

You’ve probably been comparing yourself to others. It’s a no-win scenario.
If you measure up as better, you fall into pride
If you measure up as worse, you fall into depression

Make an effort to stop comparing yourself to others, it’ll help

 

Absolutely. Counting days is never enough, it is going to feel like a prison sentence you just wanna get out of eventually. You have to look on every aspect of your life and examine every part of your lifestyle. It is a huge change ahead of us and it is already happening I feel. I am just three weeks in recovery and feel very solid at this point but I sure wanna avoid over-confidence and I also, at the same times, definetely am weary of over working things and becoming to comfortable. I feel I train my patience and endurance on a daily basis and that is both mental aswell as emotional training.

 

I agree with your take on it, but don't you think not comparing yourself to other at all might lead to resignation? Or you are at risk atleast of resigning.

I think it has to be a matter of context, person and confidence whether you should compare yourself to others or not so much. But I believe overly competetive people are very unattractive to me since I find them very narcissistic.

 

It could! There is that risk!

I believe a better alternative is to foster a spirit of excellence in ourselves. If I had to define that, it would be to always strive to do our very utmost, our very best, in everything we do. The question turns from “how did I measure up against them?” to “how did I measure up against excellence?”

It is a tougher standard. But it is also a kinder one, for it is a standard that everyone fails at. Excellence doesn’t make you feel bad when you don’t reach it, it says “get up and try again”