Infidelity/Open marriages is called modern ?

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Win_for_life, Feb 17, 2018.

  1. Win_for_life

    Win_for_life Fapstronaut

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    I was browsing internet and found an article about dating apps for married people ( Ashley Madison and Gleeden, to name a few ) and the logic and argument given by the founders and the users seemed stupid to me.
    Although i havent been in a relationship and grew in quite a liberal background, this is wrong.
    I just wanted to know is this justified ?
    Why are users and supporters of these websites/apps/concepts linking it to being modern in 21st century, or Individuality.
     
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  2. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    One possible reason is individuality is equated with hedonism and consumption. I'm basically contrasting consumption with being creative, and if one is lacking in creativity one has to get variety from without and the way it shows up in terms of sexual relationship may be the Coolidge Effect. This may be more of an emptiness than any kind of strong individuality, but always needing to fill a void is hardly any kind of qualification for individuality - especially when that individual needs other people to fulfill them. A lot of other people.
     
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  3. Win_for_life

    Win_for_life Fapstronaut

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    Yeah but wasn’t marriage supposed to be a promise of togetherness and “Celebration of love” ?
    Society doesn’t frown upon divorced people unlike 3-4 decades in past.
    If two people doesn’t seem to “fill the void” with each other, the relationship seems to be in question.
    At that point why not just quit, kids and dependent family members might be a reason to still stay in such a marriage to prevent them getting hurt, but with this new form of arrangement that is happening one way or the other.
     
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2018
  4. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    For some, open marriages, swinger lifestyle, polyamorous, etc probably does work. If you look at biology, men are driven to “spread the seed.” Marriage originally seems to have developed as a contractual obligation rather than a romantic one.

    But as @Ongoingsupport points out, there is definitely a strong element of consumption and hedonism involved. How much of this is just a deeper manifestation of hyper sexuality and desensitization brought about by too much porn?

    Morally there is nothing wrong with it as long as everyone is consenting and it’s done honestly. I don’t think one should be judged by their lifestyle as long as its honest and doesn’t hurt themselves/others.

    Caveat: I think for that to work the people involved would not only have to be open minded but also secure as individuals and extremely secure as a couple.

    Personally, I feel I have only scratched the surface with myself and my SOs sexual relationship so why bring in a third party?
     
  5. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    @Win_for_life Well I don't mean to imply two people should get together to fill the void first of all, I was saying where it's coming from is not a healthy state of mind in the first place. The point is the void will never be filled when that's the case, (it is after all a void) in Buddhism they have this idea of the hungry ghost who can never be full regardless of how many people, which is of course related to addiction.

    I'm reminded of this expression "continual partial friendship" - which is used to describe online/digitally mediated communication but it applies here and to intimate relationships as well. It is kind of interesting to think about how digital communication divides attention, and the fact that there is also only so much attention in sexual relationships and that ends up being divided as well. If the connection goes deeper the more attention you invest then dividing your attention between more people just means the relationships are more shallow. Unless of course someone believes they are super and virtually infinite in the amount of attention they have for others, though the ones on the receiving end may not agree.

    Frankly I think we've come to expect less from people anyway. When you assume it's the norm to have just a little it's easier to replace depth with breadth.
     
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  6. Win_for_life

    Win_for_life Fapstronaut

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    Very well put
     
  7. DemonSemen

    DemonSemen Fapstronaut

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    Valid points but I do often wonder in the context of a “Threesome” working in a more positive and permanent type of relationship. Like if there was a third person in the marriage who could contribute to the finances, the child rearing and the running of the household (Domestic Triumvirate?). Imagine having someone to talk to, hang with, have intimacy with when your partner is uninterested/tired/stressed.

    But how do you evenly split Love and Comittment? Or wouldyou? A relationship isn’t even as things are in constant flux.
     
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  8. Ongoingsupport

    Ongoingsupport Fapstronaut

    Well if there are kids involved that makes a huge difference. Frankly I question whether most of the population know themselves enough to be in an intimate relationship with another on all levels, and to know the human experience well enough to be responsible for the development of another into adulthood is a whole other level from a healthy partnership - which is in itself already challenging enough. Things like contributing to finances doesn't tend to concern me, I tend to look at it from the perspective of unrealized potential. Not being appreciated as an adult is disappointing, having talents and gifts that your adult parents are pretty much oblivious to is all the more tragic.

    Yes, it's a very different view to look at it in terms of specificity that's complementary rather than quantification. People who get each other will naturally be fulfilled on multiple levels, for others who may try and put in the effort it may be that they don't have that much in common in the first place. Now if the culture at large is fairly shallow, (saying that in an objective rather than pejorative sense, if it helps) it may turn out having more in terms of number of partners really just means the people involved are all feeling a lack. I was thinking of this quote, again from a context regarding communication technology but I think the principle applies here:

    “In order to feel more, and to feel more like ourselves, we connect. But in our rush to connect, we flee solitude. In time, our ability to be separate and gather ourselves is diminished. If we don’t know who we are when we are alone, we turn to other people to support our sense of self. This makes it impossible to fully experience others as who they are. We take what we need from them in bits and pieces; it is as though we use them as spare parts to support our fragile selves.”
    Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age


    As you said relationships are in constant flux, the self is also - although it is possible for that set of relationships we call the self to be fairly stable even if ever evolving, whereas if none of the selves in a social relationship are stable and there are a lot of blind spots it's not going to go well in a collective dynamic.
     
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  9. Win_for_life

    Win_for_life Fapstronaut

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    Agreed, but the context seems to be build on the premise that the both parties are willing and honest about the process, which might be true but no matter what there will always be mendacity among the partners even though intentions might be to protect the significant other from getting hurt.

    Greed is a bottomless pit which exhausts the person in an endless effort to satisfy the need without ever reaching satisfaction :- Erich Fromm
     
  10. Sawako Kuronuma

    Sawako Kuronuma Fapstronaut

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    Polygamy, open marriages, I don't get it and never will. I'm quite happy and content with one person and don't know why I'd need somebody else, same thing as my SO, he absolutely despises those things and doesn't understand how the person In your life isn't enough.

    The thing that bloody well makes me angry is when men and women aren't upfront about it early on in the relationship, and so they spring the whole poly thing on them and usually it's pressured. That's not fair, if that little fantasy or whatever it is they wanted then they should of been clear about it with their future partner before.
     
  11. "If it feels right, do it." That's how everybody justifies their dirt. It's all about me me me me me me and memes. The fact that people have become hollow is a bitter pill to swallow, but don't worry because there's always a trend to follow. Hope this helps.
     
  12. Barnsleylad

    Barnsleylad Fapstronaut

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    I've known a few 'poly' girls and they usually framed it as 'I'm just a very loving person'/ 'got so much love to give, have to share it'

    First off... bit arrogant? Us monogomous types all being obviously 'limited'

    (Never mind the fact their 'love' usually manafests as, a medium-longish term 'primary partner', then a series of glorified f*ck-buddies..)

    Also you can... just love someone... without needing to shag them. Lol

    Some are more honest of course, openly admitting it's basically one big smörgåsbord of sexual gratification..

    And if that's your main purpose in life...shit.

    Now obviously could say, 'Well they aren't hurting anyone'

    But from what I've seen, usually only one of them's actually 'into' it

    And it often goes something like this...

    Sure they'll tell a pontial partner they're 'poly' but then quickly sideline all the f*ckbuddies for a few month and act just like any normal couple.

    . .by now this poor guy/girl's obviously thinking, 'Well they said they were into that 'polywatzit' but....'

    Then comes the bombshell.

    'I need to start seeing other people again'

    Followed by,

    'You knew from the start I'm 'poly'!'
    'This is me, it's part of my identity'
    'I just can't be monogomous!'

    All very manipulative... Even if they don't conciously see what they're playing at.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2018
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  13. Sawako Kuronuma

    Sawako Kuronuma Fapstronaut

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    I really hate that line they use, they 'overflow' with too much love and they need to share it with someone else, then fucking share it with your current partner as they can never have too much lovin'... Rubbish excuse to sleep around and not have to feel guilty about it, because honestly you really don't need more than one loving person in your life. My SO would be insulted and hurt if I hinted or talked to him about us being open with other people, and that's completely understandable and I would feel the same way if I got that talk.
     
  14. WabNabChi

    WabNabChi Fapstronaut

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    For some reason, Males and Females are starting to accept Cuckoldry. When you think about it, Porn is Cuckoldry since your watching two or more people having sex. So Cuck porn becomes confusing because you are watching another person watching another person having sex. Cuckception?
     

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