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Initial step and advice please

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by monkeyman1, Jul 17, 2014.

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  1. Jul 17, 2014 #1
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    Hi all

    It's selfish but I'm hoping that I can be supported by you brothers and sisters in fixing myself. i do apologise in advance for the detail but i am new and am asking for help and understanding of my position.

    i am a 'outwardly practising religious man' and people look up to me for religious advice and as a role model. i hate knowing this then knowing the secret sins of my soul. i have had an addiction to porn, which i didn't realise till over the last year, since i was 14/15. I only realised my addiction when I started to record/diarise when i would masturbate or even simply look at porn and i realised this just isn't right where I am looking at porn 3/4 times a week and then masturbating to it 2/3 times a week. I remember when i was young it was 2/3 times a day!

    I am married and have been sexually active for a few years and have noticed a link to masturbation, watching porn and having sex in real life. For example if you masturbate frequently you get used to your hand as a sexual stimulus therefore your sexual partner is enjoyable but does not make you orgasm as quick as your hand. it will take me 10 minutes plus with a partner and sometimes much longer but with my hand it can be a matter of minutes. on the other hand (no pun intended) if i stay away from masturbation for 5-10 days then have sex with partner then the orgasm is much more intense and the sex shorter and orgasm more quickly achievable.

    i know when we were younger we were told girls love a man that can last for hours, but this isn't the case. sex (as in the actual action and not foreplay) isn't meant to go on for 20/30 minutes at a time. it becomes humiliating and knocks my ego, and I'm sure it hurts my partner, when i can't orgasm after 10/15 minutes and sometimes even end up going soft.

    i need to stop viewing porn. i have read forums and am so happy there is this support community to help. and i really hope you will help.
    1. i want to stop watching porn
    2. i want to stop masturbating
    3. i want to stop looking at a girl who is not my wife and looking at her body or in any sexual way
    4. i am quite attractive and well off and i am often approached by girls and it is easy for me to flirt. BUT i want to stop this unloyal behaviour as I know all i want to do is treat that girl like a pornstar would and not as a wife. this is just disgusting but i can't control thinking like this.
    5. i want to do 3 days plus without masturbating and not begin to have urges to watch porn/masturbate
    6. i want to enjoy my wife and only my wife
    7. i don't want to relapse as i have tried for a few years to stop masturabting for religious reasons and only now in last year realised i have a serious problem.
    8. i want to remove these dirty images from my head. i know the rare times i have lasted without watching porn or mastarbating my memory has increased and my brain has become clearer.
    9. i don't want to feel weak and dry and old because i masturbated.
    10. i want to be a better person by not mastubating. i am religious but i even cheat my god by doing these religiously unlawful things and feel like a hypocrite internally and also externally when i advise others to do good.
    11. not just for religious reasons but for moral reasons I want to not have these dirty thoughts in my head
    12. i want to change not because i will potentially go to hell for this sin, but because i know stopping will definitely make me a better person.

    it sounds so stupid but I know the benefits of not watching porn/masturbating but i just can't stop. i go a few days without it then something (a internet post, a girl in the streets, thought of a ex, something i hear someone say in a sexual manner) kicks me off again. i know when i don't watch porn/masturbate i get stronger in gym and also mentally. i want that feeling. i want to know what it feels like to not dirty myself for a period of 2 weeks plus and more and how i will feel then.

    i keep thinking how when i was younger i was so intelligent and innocent, so much so i was top in my class, super memory, even got moved up a year. but i dropped down to 'above average' and no longer 'excellent' from age 14/15 onwards which was when i started to watch porn. i strongly believe this is linked.

    please can someone advise or point me at a post for support. i am seriously in need of help. i want to change but keep failing. what are the signs of withdrawal and how do you control it??

    please note that whilst i am married and want to be loyal to my wife i cannot always release my sexual tension with her as she has a low libido and i can't just have spontaneous sex all the time.

    I'm sorry this is so long but please help. i feel so shallow ending this message.
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 17, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 17, 2014
    #1
  2. Jul 17, 2014 #2
    ancient

    ancient Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thank you for your opening post. I'm not married, and I'm stopping for practical as well as religious reasons, which has basically left me with no outlet at all except for going to the gym and taking ice baths. So be glad that you have something. In fact, I would suggest that you tell your wife what you're trying to do so you don't have to hide it from her. She can tell that something's been off, and it would probably be a relief to her to know for sure. By telling her the truth it commits you to a path of getting better, and most likely it will bring her support as well. Then you won't have to hide and you can openly go into therapy or join a sex addict group for support.

    Just my thoughts, because if you really want to stop and you've tried already, stopped/started again, then you're going to need to do something more drastic to force you where you already want to go. Telling people that know and love you the truth is one way of doing that.

    -ancient
     
    ancient, Jul 17, 2014
    ancient, Jul 17, 2014
    #2
  3. Jul 17, 2014 #3
    Deleted Account

    Deleted Account Guest

    I just joined today, but I thought I would give you some small advice, for what it is worth. I think you have a double-struggle of having a porn addiction that is unhealthy, while also having the religious connotation of porn and masturbation as sins of the soul. This is a lot of weight for you to carry on your shoulders! I think one of the steps to recovery for you is to accept that masturbation is part of being human, and that for many it can be a healthy activity (not for us, though). This is a common problem (the 10,000's of members of this community are evidence!), and is in part due to human nature, which has become an unhealthy addiction due to free unlimited access to pornography in the past couple of decades.

    I can't tell you "how", as I am just starting my own journey, but know that the resources are out there. The NoFap Academy videos and yourbrainonporn.com are where I am starting. The people on this forum are helpful, and won't pass judgement on you. The most startling thing I noticed about your post was how often you apologized, and calling yourself "selfish" and saying that your problem is "stupid". Neither could be further from the truth! Take the weight off of your shoulders. You are not a bad person because of your addiction.

    Best of luck,
    T
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2016
    Deleted Account, Jul 17, 2014
    Deleted Account, Jul 17, 2014
    #3
  4. Jul 18, 2014 #4
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for the replies. yes I'm quite apologetic on this because outwardly I'm considered to be someone that's confident, assertive and successful. so knowing the truth of my soul and mental state is quite depressing that my outward is potentially a lie

    i will hopefully succeed this time.
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 18, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 18, 2014
    #4
  5. Jul 18, 2014 #5
    Once&4ALL

    Once&4ALL Fapstronaut

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    Monkeyman1, please realize that ALL of us are here for essentially the same reason as you. You are just as important, worthy, accepted and welcomed as the rest of us were when we each arrived. We are here to support you, not judge you. We're here to stand in the fight, in the gap, with you, to encourage you and strengthen you. Iron sharpens iron. Our situations are very, very similar. Let me know if I can help you in any way. Everyone's here for you, keep your head held high. And remember, God loves us even when we mess up and fall. He's smiling when we stand up, shake off defeat and lead the charge again!
     
    Once&4ALL, Jul 18, 2014
    Once&4ALL, Jul 18, 2014
    #5
  6. Jul 19, 2014 #6
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    thank you for your kind supportive words
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 19, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 19, 2014
    #6
  7. Jul 22, 2014 #7
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    nearly 6 days in and haven't looked at porn or mastarbated...i think i have gone 10 days the longest since I was 14..hope i can beat that as a minimum
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 22, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 22, 2014
    #7
  8. Jul 22, 2014 #8
    Lat

    Lat Fapstronaut

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    I think people shouldn't be too hard on themselves, we all fall over, we all succumb to our physical weaknesses.
    We suffer weakness of flesh and temper because we are embodied in flesh and expressive through temper (I mean that in the old sense of the word - control of our temper - that is temperance is a virtue). But we are of flesh and temper so weakness of flesh and temper is inherent in our beings.

    So we will fall over, there's not need to be overly harsh on yourself, there's no need to strive for goals that are just too hard. There's no need to be too hard on yourself or too demanding on yourself - because you are setting yourself up for failure, disappointment and a feeling of loathing.

    Don't PMO, that's good, if you can turn a daily occurrence into a weekly one and weekly one into a fortnightly one and a fortnightly one into a monthly one - you've improved. But no one needs to be too severe on themselves....

    Just a thought, I'm not saying I'm right, but it makes sense to me....
     
    Lat, Jul 22, 2014
    Lat, Jul 22, 2014
    #8
  9. Jul 23, 2014 #9
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    can someone help me on this? this is the first time i have gone in excess of 6 days without looking at porn. i have gone 10 days without mastarbating..
    so since its been 6 days without porn i pretty much haven't had an erection fantasising or watching porn for 6 days... normally i have an erection every morning...but this could be because my wife has been away for 6 days again..

    the issue I'm having is that for the last 24-48 hours my mind is feeling empty or clear..i don't know which one..i can't focus and I'm thinking about ex's i use to have "pornstar like sex" with i.e. taking control of them and doing as i want with them... i can't seem to clear my head of these thoughts and i feel almost light headed....

    is this withdrawal systems?!
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 23, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 23, 2014
    #9
  10. Jul 23, 2014 #10
    FinallyHappy97

    FinallyHappy97 Fapstronaut

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    yes its your brain trying to get you to break because your low on dopamine, you have to ignore it, it'll pass in a couple of days, just find something to do that'll put your mind to work.
     
    FinallyHappy97, Jul 23, 2014
    FinallyHappy97, Jul 23, 2014
    #10
  11. Jul 24, 2014 #11
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    8 days in..cant lie i keep thinking about watching porn..but i haven't

    i also keep looking at girls on the street and finding nearly everyone attractive in a perverted manner and i quickly have to look away and not look twice......

    also i keep thinking about a certain ex who was very sexually obedient and thinking why i didn't keep her..


    this is really hard to control as i realise I'm just being sexually minded and not logical. i know that there is more to a woman then sex but i just cant remove this feeling of just viewing them as an object. its bad as i know if i masturbated and ejaculated i would feel ok again...

    is this normal?!
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 24, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 24, 2014
    #11
  12. Jul 24, 2014 #12
    Lat

    Lat Fapstronaut

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    I used to have to be at gigs my companies ran. I'd have to be focused on the gigs, but I found when girls paid me attention and I paid them attention, I'd be looking at cleavages and legs and then I'd be buying drinks and enjoying the flirtation and then the touching and chatting and I'd become aroused and my appetite for sex would take over. To conquer this I just stopped myself from looking at them - the more you look the more you imagine the more you pursue the more you get caught up in it.... and porn comes with all that.

    you need to control your eyes, don't let them feed your imagination and tantalize you - you need to learn how to fade out and think about what you're doing and what you have to do - you need to think about yourself to stop the habits from taking over. It's like how reformed drinnkers don't go into bars, reformed junkies don't hang out with users... you need to get that control...

    it's really about self-empowerment as opposed to self-indulgence.
     
    Lat, Jul 24, 2014
    Lat, Jul 24, 2014
    #12
  13. Jul 27, 2014 #13
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    fucked up. totally fucked up. was watching 300, saw a sex scene n then text an ex about the sex scene n then started watching porn n fucked up,
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 27, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 27, 2014
    #13
  14. Jul 27, 2014 #14
    winstonia

    winstonia Fapstronaut

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    Do not get down on yourself and pick up and get back at it! Shame is a terrible trap that keeps us enslaved to this addiction. Here are some things that might help you that I have gathered from my own experience (and also the experiences of the thousands of men on this site):

    -Try to keep track of how you are feeling (stressed? hungry? angry? tired? bored? lonely?) up to the point where you fell and think of a different approach or some other healthier activity to address the feeling or "fill the void" This could be exercise, prayer, cold shower, talk with spouse/close friend, anything other than PMO in the end

    -The more radical, the better. We are in a culture where everything is based on sex in some way. I mean, it is hard to drive down the road without a billboard advertising a local gym with a lightly dressed woman working out. Sometimes installing internet porn blockers that do not have easy workarounds (opendns, safe eyes), turning off your phone, laptop , tv when you are alone or having it locked up or cord removed or getting rid of all together (extreme radical).

    -Accountability (which you are doing by being on this site.) Also having someone close to you including your wife that is aware of your struggles and can be there to support you on your journey to sexual healing.

    -(I am not posting this to offend anyone, so if you are not religious please read past this point, for me this is the most important one) Renewing your faith, digging into scripture and continual prayer to the Lord.

    These are some methods that really help me and keep me pure. I too am married and have kids and I realized that us men have to be protectors of our wife's hearts and men of integrity. We have a responsibility to lead our homes morally and in some cases financially depending on your scenario. By looking to please ourselves, and be self-seeking we are hurting our wives and those closest to us. Every second we spend in PMO is a second wasted doing something beneficial for our family or someone else.

    Sorry for the long post. Best of luck to you and above all congratulations on dedicating yourself to this important change!
     
    winstonia, Jul 27, 2014
    winstonia, Jul 27, 2014
    #14
  15. Jul 31, 2014 #15
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    so I'm staying away from movies and will try to stay away from youtube and other tv/media outlets. this has helped.
    just restarted my gym program and taking some testerone booster supplements, I'm hoping this will not mess me up
     
    monkeyman1, Jul 31, 2014
    monkeyman1, Jul 31, 2014
    #15
  16. Jul 31, 2014 #16
    halfm

    halfm Fapstronaut

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    Have you ever read the book Every Man's Battle? I'm reading it now and it addresses many of the things you have posted about. It is written from a Christian perspective (the conservative evangelical side) and has some advice and strategies that you might appreciate.
     
    halfm, Jul 31, 2014
    halfm, Jul 31, 2014
    #16
  17. Aug 3, 2014 #17
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    lost again
     
    monkeyman1, Aug 3, 2014
    monkeyman1, Aug 3, 2014
    #17
  18. Aug 3, 2014 #18
    halfm

    halfm Fapstronaut

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    Don't give up! We're here cheering for you. Forgive yourself, ask yourself what you can learn from this setback, and try again. :)
     
    halfm, Aug 3, 2014
    halfm, Aug 3, 2014
    #18
  19. Aug 3, 2014 #19
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    i just don't get it. it had been 7 days since i had seen porn. just the week before i went 10 days. into this 7 days in halfway through i had sex with my wife, so i was 'discharged' and also in the morning of this 7th day i had a wet dream, although i was dreaming about receiving oral sex - but still so i was again 'discharged' but all day i kept thinking bout a certain portnstar and 6 hours later headed home to watch it. again, just like after the 10 days, the first half a minute i felt a rush in my head which was i assume a dopamine release? then i just wasted an hour watching porn, edging and then organising,.


    i don't know how to control this? i had no reason to watch it..i knew i was doing wrong but made my decision to watch it still... i just don't understand why i can't look away!
     
    monkeyman1, Aug 3, 2014
    monkeyman1, Aug 3, 2014
    #19
  20. Aug 9, 2014 #20
    monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    really struggling tonight. its weird, i know i can go upstairs and just sleep but I'm staying on this stupid computer wasting time for past two hours. i think its because I'm bored but I've got so much to do and get ready for tomorrow/monday. so maybe it's me procrastinating/being lazy which as a result is making me waste time and consider watching porn. seems like I'm even too bored to sleep?! what is going on?!
     
    monkeyman1, Aug 9, 2014
    monkeyman1, Aug 9, 2014
    #20
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