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Initial step and advice please

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by monkeyman1, Jul 17, 2014.

  1. Once&4ALL

    Once&4ALL Fapstronaut

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    Hang tough MonkeyMan, praying for your strength here. Power through it, and I hope you get some rest soon!
     
  2. richardlessman

    richardlessman Fapstronaut

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    Get k9 on your computer bro
     
  3. Flip

    Flip Fapstronaut

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    I know how you feel. Sometimes I go two days straight without fap and then something small like a voice triggers me to go off. Tonight I just learned about this site. Tomorrow I will be more help because I will post everyday my journey even when I have an impulse at that moment. My journey starts tomorrow with my commitment.
     
  4. Once&4ALL

    Once&4ALL Fapstronaut

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    MonkeyMan, I'm only a little ahead of you. Day 7 was tough (every time I've hit it), but it will level out. Keep yourself actively engaged and busy. Maximize gym time (3 focused workouts twice a week, 6 days, with cardio before and after, will help your body, consume a lot time, wear you out, improve your outlook and confidence, and think about the impact it will give you in bed once you reboot. Focus on a work project after hours - it could provide a major gain with your boss and will be another potential achievement success. When your wife gets home, spend more time with her - she will appreciate and it will strengthen your relationship. All of this will prevent PMO focus and assist you in making great gains...that's been my strategy and it is working beautifully. I still screwed up and had a reset since I began this program as described above, but I got back up and right back where I left off. I didn't left the failure define me because I had plenty of other things going on. I hope this helps!
     
  5. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    thank you to all. BUT can someone explain something - i PMO'd on 3rd August and sine then have been struggling EVEN though i had sex with my wife on 7th august and also 10th august - i still want to watch porn - not masturbate but that comes naturally once you start watching porn. - what is this?!
     
  6. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    will go to sleep shortly, start work tomorrow and by lunch time tomorrow will have hit 10 days...
    I'm hoping to get to 11 days to prove my commitment to this noFap as last time i failed at 10 days.

    the longest i can remember ever going without looking at porn is 2 weeks, so if i can just get to friday I'm hoping i will feel alot better.

    one thing i have noticed that is of benefit is staying away from the computer. go to work, use computer, come home, turn off computer.

    hope i can do this.
     
  7. dabaang

    dabaang New Fapstronaut

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    i m starting today
     
  8. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    By the time I finish work today I would have made it 11 days. This my longest streak ever. I really hope the voices don't kick off in my head saying "reward urself/take a break".

    I know I will be depressed if I have to restart. It's strange that life does generally zoom past, can't believe how quickly time is passing. It already close to mid august and I can remember things from early this year which feel like yesterday but everytime u reset it feels like I have a mountain to climb again. Really hope I can keep going!

    If I hit 30 days I want to feel the mental strength and cleansiness and who know what will happen after that.
     
  9. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    12 days in without PM - luckily i have a wife so i get to release with her.
    i feel really happy and proud that i have lasted 12 days. as for actual mental or physical changes i haven't noticed them yet.
    Brain is still pushing me to watch porn or "research" porn but not look at any images..still have this feeling in my head like a headache but i know it's the addiction.

    had relations with my wife this morning so that has helped "calm" me down again and i hope this will keep me going for at least over the weekend.

    benefits i have realised immediately though is that my penis is much more sensitive in sex, orgasms are slightly better and i orgasm alot quicker as opposed to before when i would be going for ages and not being able to orgasm or literally have to go for about 15/20 minutes plus and strain and focus to orgasm.

    only bad side is that at times i think about other girls when with wife which i want to get rid of.

    really hope i can stay strong and keep going.
     
  10. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    Congratulations! You are beginning to see the light. Sounds like you are focusing on making the right life changes in order to make that change in yourself where you no longer need P.

    Watch out for those emotions that make you vulnerable to the voice of your addiction. Boredom, stress, loneliness, sadness, anger all make you vulnerable. Keep off the computer as much as possible. Seek non-digital entertainment.

    If you keep doing these things you will find that in a couple of weeks things will start to turn around. Urges will be greatly diminished, your focus on others will be increased, you will find you are less focused on sex - you will essentially be developing a healthy sex drive that is spontaneous rather than obsessive.

    I am sure you can keep going. Good luck!
     
  11. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    14 days today. Demons are screaming in my head and brain keeps thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about.
    Accidentally started looking at a porn star name yesterday but no images. I realised what I was doing and stopped. So I guess the positive is that I didn't look at any images and I did back off once I realised this was leading onto something worse.

    Want to get to 21 days and feel the memory skills come in
     
  12. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    Wow! You are really gaining skills if you are catching yourself and stopping yourself mid search. Can you remember why you were on the computer in the first place? Was it necessary? Could you have not gone online? Was there something else you could have been doing?

    Were you experiencing a problem at the time? Were you bored or lonely or sad? Can you think of something that might have helped you not be online?

    Looks like you have a good final defence. Now is the time to work on an early defence. Shut those demons up before they can even begin.

    Well done. Good luck.
     
  13. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    thank you.
    i am happy i did stop, but again why did i look?

    it comes from 'curiosity' and the link is related to being online. commonly what will happen is that i will be on youtube or another sort of media (iplayer/movie) and i will see or hear something. so a name will be mentioned of a girl or a pornstar and i will then want to search the name, just to see what they look like etc… so i guess that ‘curiosity’ and objectifying women and wanting to watch beautiful girls to do things is still in me.
    i also am still having terrible fantasies in my head about ex’s and also of old porn movies which doesn’t help and fetishes and still in my head. it doesn’t help my wife does not know about this and further that our sex life is relatively slow (every 3/5/7/ days) and also quite boring i.e. normal missionary, hardly any foreplay. that’s not out of my choice as i was never like this with any ex’s but is more to do with her. she is just like that and has been since day 1. i have explained to her i need her to be more active or at least submissive but she doesn’t understand nor wants to assist. it is quite and at times REALLY upsetting as she doesn’t understand her behaviour and non-willingness to want to
    1. be spontaneous with sex or at least frequent with sex and then
    2. also not being interested in foreplay and
    3. even not even kissing with tounge most of the times - whether during sex or outside

    is causing problems. she doesn’t understand that it takes away me feeling like a man. i probably need marriage counselling but its a shame that she is just like this and indirectly very unspportive of me feeling like a man. NB - don’t think she doesn’t love me, she does and is heads over heal with me. its just that the way she has been raised she doesn’t realise what ‘love’ actually is i.e. making your partner feel good and happy even if you have to sacrifice or do something that you feel uncomfortable with. ok..going off tangent here


    back to the looking up the pornstar - it happened whilst watching youtube and i am subscribed to the ‘hodgetwins’ who are actually a workout channel, but at times they talk about stuff and they were talking about a pornstar and then i wanted to research it.

    i am on the computer for my work all day and i work privately/individuallyw within a office on a personal computer so staying away from the internet is hard. i am trying to get away from being online after 6pm and also on the weekends, but old habits die hard and when you are bored you tend to just log online and waste time. i have even turned off my instagram, twitter and Facebook over six months ago in efforts of getting offline and even just wasting time. i have a problem with just internet surfing on youtuve and inlayer if i get bored which happens 30-60 minutes a day (not bad but still a problem if you can’t stop it). ا

    ALSO i have a bad habit of procrastinating. when i am bored it is NEVER because I have nothing to do- i always have something to do and it is usually something which is mentally strenuous or to the least a small mental challenger (memorising/planning/ client work/ researching) but i just end up wanting to chill and thats why i end up online.

    not sure what to do?!?!?
     
  14. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    You ask this question at the beginning of a great post. I wonder if you were still asking the question at the end, because I think all the answers are there. Here is what I see in your response.

    I think it is fair to say you are still addicted. But you are an addict that is exerting control and on the road to recovery. It isn't 'curiosity' that is driving these searches. It is your addiction. Your addiction is suggesting to you that you are missing out on something, suggesting there is something to be gained if you just have a quick look. It is pushing you to submit to its suggestions so that it can feed off of the small dopamine rush you will get. The less you look, the more you starve it and the weaker it will get.
    A lot of guys find this when they are coming off of P. For months, years, their view of sex has been rampant, torrid, very active and full of lots of fantasy. Because that is what P is. It is not real life. It isn't about making a connection to someone. So when they stop viewing P and re-enter real life they find it boring. Often so boring that they use it as an excuse to go back to P. They say they NEED more. They need something to understand them. But, sadly, it is still just the addiction talking.

    From what you say about your wife, from my personal experience I would say,
    1. once a week is actually quite a lot of sex - don't knock it - plus, life is not just about sex, sex, sex. That is only the case in P.
    2. foreplay is something that you have to develop over time. She obviously gets aroused very quickly. I would use that to your advantage. Maybe leave the foreplay to halfway through - she may be more receptive then
    3. kissing with tongues is what kids do in public. My wife and I might, in a moment of excitement and privacy, but never in front of others. It is reserved only for passion.

    So, you understand what love actually is - making your partner feel good and happy even if you have to sacrifice. That's good. Time to start doing that then :) Because let us face it, I don't think there is anywhere in the love handbook that says "love is actually fapping to women on the internet and focusing time, energy and desire on pornstars rather than your wife."

    It is time to accept that you have cheated on your wife. She may not know about it. But you do. So to say she should be making sacrifices for you when you know you are the one in the wrong is always going to give your addiction fuel in the form of guilt and hypocrisy. The up side to all of this is this. If you abstain for a couple of months and kill off your addiction then those selfish thoughts dwindle too. Those obsessions with fantasies dwindle because, despite what you believe at the moment, they aren't actually "you" - they are also part of your addiction. After a couple of months you will find your connection with your wife is more genuine, more intimate and, I believe, her connection with YOU will also be more intimate because she will see you are there in the moment rather than off on one of your P-fuelled fantasies. If she knows that SHE is GENUINELY the focus of your desires it will help her respond in the same way. But that will not happen until you have recovered. So until then there is some sacrificing to be done.

    This is what I have found.

    And there is your answer as to why you were tempted. Because you are on the internet. And not only that, you are on the internet, watching people who are talking about people who are on the internet. These guys don't know you. They don't know what you are dealing with. And from what I have seen, if they DID know what you are trying to achieve all they would do is make fun of it and try to ruin it for you. They don't care about you. And they are not going to help you quit P. It is probably best to avoid them for a while - find some alternative entertainment that doesn't put you at risk. Lock down the triggers. Cut them off. If you miss them that much you can always come back to them when you have a clean mind free from addiction.

    You are doing a really good job. I also work on a computer all day and at home in a private office. So I know the temptation you are talking about. Getting off the computer at 6pm is a very good idea. But during the day, when you are supposed to be working, but the work is a little taxing or boring, that is when you are drawn to something easy. I know exactly how that feels. All I can advise is this.

    1. Get a P blocker like K9 Web Protection.
    2. Set all your search engines to safe search
    3. Change your viewing habits. Delete bookmarks to sites you know trigger or waste time. Only use the internet for sourcing information. No entertainment. No videos, no news sites, no comics. You have already done this with instagram, facebook etc. It is time to extend that as far as you can.
    4. Schedule breaks into your day. Having a break that you can aim for gives you more motivation to work until your break.
    5. Get a book. Put it on your desk. If you need to take a break, read your book. Download a timer and set it up so that you can set 10 minute breaks where you read.
    5. Find a 10 minute seated meditation program and schedule that into your day.

    I hope some of this is useful to you (I have procrastinated now too - so I will have to make up for it later). If I have been a bit harsh that is only because that is how I am with myself. I am harsh because as an addict I feel sorry for myself and in moments of clarity that self-pity makes me angry with myself. In the end only straight talking works for me so that is my approach for cutting through the fug of addiction.

    You are doing really well. 2 weeks is a great foundation. Now is the time to be hyper-vigilant, hyper-cautious and even more determined than before. Sacrifice everything you can to get rid of this horrible addiction. because once it has gone life becomes so much easier, happier, healthier, intimate.

    Good luck!
     
  15. galaxim

    galaxim Fapstronaut

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    Very interesting dialogue. I start reading this thread as I felt "the itch": the feeling that you have when you want to "check something". I frequently feel that "curiosity" when I begin to feel tired. That's why I always use a stopwatch when I'm in front of the computer. As I know how much I can stand being focused (30/40 minutes straight), I leave the screen just before my "focus time" ends. That way, I don't risk myself to start being "curious".

    I've been "clean" for 100 days. But still I know that I've the addictive voice inside myself, much weaker, yes, but it's still there. I don't care how much it takes: I'm going to kill it FOREVER.

    Thank you for your insightful posts.
     
  16. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    perusan - im not sure if your a religious man but you have helped alot spiritually and logically in that post. it has really made me understand and reflect in a new way about this experience and my being, day to day behaviour.
    I'm going to keep re-reading that post and implement - your point about youtube and indirect content leading to other stuff is bang on and one of the bigger points i will take. i am quite tired right now but will post again once i have an 'itch/urge". when that feeling kicks in i will spend time reading your post and then writing a response. hopefully that will help calm me down.
     
  17. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    perusan i will get back to you on your great post. but right now I'm feeling good. brains working. memory is getting good and focus is getting better. want more!! I'm hungry for these positive changes.

    bad thoughts and urges are still in me but i have noticed they are subdued for a small time when i have relations with my wife. i had relations with her 48 hours ago, so feeling good right now. I've been busy, VERY busy, as well which helps. hope i can make this whole week and claim that 3 week no PMO...well O is there but that's with wife so allowed.

    i feel good just having done 18 days so far in itself.

    its strange before 4 days, 8 days, 12 days didn't sound like much. but just acknowledging i have done 18 days is quite big. 18 days is close to a whole month, month's make years and 90 days still feels like a long way away but it feels like when I'm closer to that i won't even realise where the time went and i will be proud i made it.

    thanks to all so far. even just writing is quite therapeutical in getting rid of thoughts.
     
  18. perusan

    perusan Fapstronaut

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    monkeyman1, I'm glad the post helped, but to be honest, only reply if you really want to and if it will help you. From the sounds of it you have much better things to be doing, like getting on with a good life. The last thing you need right now is to be sitting in front of a computer. Much better you give your wife a 10 minute cuddle than spend that time writing here. But at the same time I would be very happy to hear your thoughts. When you have the time.

    Well done on 18 days! Take care. Good luck!
     
  19. keepingon29

    keepingon29 Fapstronaut

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  20. monkeyman1

    monkeyman1 Fapstronaut

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    I've read that forum and it makes sense. I'm now 26 days in. can't believe i got this far! i have honestly been searching 'names' a few times this week, but no images and even if a image close to nude comes up i close the age immediately. feels like I'm cheating.

    i literally haven't touched my penis for M purposes, even for a moment, since the beginning of this and that feels like a massive achievement as well.

    a big problem is that pretty much every girl is starting to look exceptionally beautiful. I'm talking about any girl on the street and not just on tv/internet. normal day to day girls walking on street and i just be like "wow". i have never had this. is this my brain relapsing? trying to trick me? a side affect of addiction and my brain is trying to get something or push me into something?

    i even naturally get aroused over the mere suggestion of sex, or seeing someone kiss on a tv program. (i only watch 1 hour of tv a week). is this again my brain trying to get a high of anything?


    i can't believe I'm nearly at a month now. from reading that article i can definitely see i have some other problems but at least now i know for sure my problem is actually porn viewing and not actually the desire to M or O. i have a problem and i can clearly link that to P and objectifying women.

    i just hope as the following weeks come i stay strong and these feelings start going.

    NB - I'm fully aware the article said don't even talk about these feelings and wants. but i am just trying to share my thoughts. i can't lie and i don't want to talk about my busy life as it seems unrelated.
     

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