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Insecure

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by nevergonnarelapse, Dec 10, 2020.

  1. nevergonnarelapse

    nevergonnarelapse New Fapstronaut

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    There are a few areas which I am insecure about with my life. Part of the reason why is because of PMO that makes me feel as though I am impulsive and that it's a good thing even when I am on a streak. I try to make an identity out of being 'spontaneous' and having multiple interests/ not having a plan and entertaining abstract ideas because it's the perfect personality for me to fall back into PMO. I know this. I don't act like myself. It's as though I'm looking for attention, knowing that my actions would gain criticism, so I can fall back into PMO and say that I'm a highly sensitive person or that I've been victimised by society.

    I'm actually the one who's victimising society. I'm exploiting social norms for my pornography addiction. I act awkward in front of women deliberately so that I can justify using PMO as a girlfriend. Then all of a sudden that's okay because a personality test said that I was impulsive or it's in line with the image of me being crazy.

    People who criticise tell me that I'm trying too hard to be funny/clever. They often call me an idiot, call me a fake, tell me that I'm not funny, or they just give me long awkward silences. It's hard to keep up with too, I can sometimes just freeze up and start agreeing with the other person, then try to get away as soon as possible.

    I don't talk that much, so I try to make everything that comes out of my mouth sound deep or intellectual or funny. I've usually copied off of someone anyway, even if it's just in attitude. I can't really be myself because I'm afraid of expressing intimacy. What If I get laid with my PIED? What if I make friends, how would I keep them. I try to avoid people after speaking to them out of embarrassment and fears of rejection and failure. I don't believe the things that I say, neither do the people who I try to imitate. I know NoFap won't help me with a lack of personality, but it's worth a try.

    I am definitely unhappy with my career path. I've taken Psychology, Sociology (kind of) and Politics. I enjoy my subjects, but I don't get good grades in them. I don't do the work because I'd rather fuck about reading philosophy or learning how to code, all hobbies I picked up off of other people. I eventually leave these hobbies anyway, so it's not even as though I've taken the wrong subjects. I don know that there are very little career pathways going down this route, especially as a C-Level student across all three subjects, so my life feels pretty much hopeless.

    I've idealised leaving college to teach myself computer science/IT/general coding by taking courses both online and offline as well as gathering work experience. I've also fantasised about setting up a business, becoming a free-lance writer and taking online courses to become an accountant. I've daydreamed about being multiple things, sometimes holding all of those careers at once. The thing is, are they even my dreams? Am I just copying off of someone else to try to fit into society? Should I just give up and accept what is ahead of me? Is my lack of self somehow connected to my porn addiction?

    I'm tired of seeing other people doing better than me and feeling as though I'm watching my life from the outside, as though it's a movie. I want to be myself and I want to be happy in who I am. I want to let go of all my regrets and move on. I want to make the best possible decisions for myself. If I get a high income job, I want to see it through and be happy in it. If I get a low income job, I want to be constantly looking for new ways to improve upon it. I don't want to spend my whole life living through the eyes of someone else.

    I'm open to your interpretations.
     
    blacklabel92 likes this.
  2. skybrowser

    skybrowser Fapstronaut

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    As you've stated yourself that you've tried to make an identity for yourself, the people around you have seen through that so you come off as unauthentic which will more likely repel than attract people to you. When I was younger felt a similar issue with a girl that I had a crush on, I felt that I had to be very amusing or intelligent because of that pressure I put on myself we didn't really connect so well early on. What I realized later on was that when I wasn't so concerned with impressing her our conversations actually flowed a lot better. Don't be so worried about being a likable person, just start off by being a nice person you would be surprised by how many people will like you just for being warm person, you don't have to be very talkative, I'm speaking from experience.

    I honestly cannot say for sure which career path is best for you but with the internet at least you can sample many different subjects today to see if it's something you'd be interested in because you seem to have a lot of interests.


    Something that I've learnt from my faith (Christianity) is to not compare yourself to others, it's a great way to be unhappy with yourself no matter where you are in life.

    I hope the best for you, I do think nofap will help you gain more focus and the confidence you need.
     
    FezMan76 likes this.
  3. blacklabel92

    blacklabel92 Fapstronaut

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    Try not to compare yourself to others and what they have.. I know its hard but its negative. Try and relax.. Be yourself.. Stop trying to sound like something or someone.. Tell ppl the jokes u think are funny not what you think they would laugh at.. Be yourself inside and out.. F the world
     
  4. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

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    Wtf????? Relax , try stoicism
     

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