Insecurities and Panic, how to get rid of the consequences of partners addiction?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by blue is everywhere, Apr 6, 2020.

  1. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Hello everyone and first thank you so much for creating this community which I'm very greatful to have found. I'm new here, and am looking for advices or any kind of ideas/support. This post might be a little long, sorry in advance for that. But I'm struggling. And I can't keep up with those feelings alone anymore. That's why I hope you guys might have some helpful inputs for me.

    I have personally no problem with porn. But my partner does. He's been addicted to watching sincere years now and told me about it almost a year ago. He says himself, that it's an addiction and wants to get rid of it since years already, without real success for now. I know he's trying. He's on Fortify, he reads a lot, meditates, writes a journal... But it doesn't seem to be enough, as the addiction doesn't seem to step back.
    He's got blockers on his phone and computer but always finds a way to get rid of them or watch some porn somewhere else.
    I love him. More than anything. Our relationship is the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. But still, the more it goes, the more I notice that his addiction has a real bad effect on myself and on us both. He talks with me openly about it (since a few weeks only, as I told him that I couldn't stand the lies and silence anymore). He is very honesty and makes himself vulnerable. He says the addiction got better since we're together, that I do already help him. But I still have the feeling that I could/schould do more.
    I try my best to be understanding but it's devastating to me to imagine him getting aroused and jerk off to some other women doing who knows what. I saw him doing it once and I can never forget those images now, it's all like a nightmare. I'm scared. It makes me insecure, paranoid. I'm scared he's wanting other girls. I'm scared he would find me boring at some point. I'm scared to lose him. It makes me panic, I have nightmares and negative thoughts all the time.
    What should I do? How could I change that influence?

    I'm grateful for any tip. Thank you for reading.
     
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  2. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Hey! How old are you two? Do you have children together? And how was the Sexlife at the beginning of your relationship, as opposed to now? Where you happy and satisfied?
     
  3. Hello, Blue. You are brave.

    I don't have any clever words for you. I wish that I did. I do have some hard words that you probably — definitely! — won't like. But I have to be honest with you — I'm not going to pretend that everything is just fine.

    First…
    No, there is nothing that you should do. It's not your addiction. Your partner is an addict, a victim of porn — and so are you! You aren't your partner's saviour, nor should you be. You can't be his therapist and his partner; that doesn't work.

    Your partner needs therapy, that's for sure. He needs it now!

    So, now, I think that it's important to look at some of the things that you have written, and notice how they don't add up.
    It's not a beautiful relationship if he's been lying to you all this time. Beautiful relationships don't run on lies, and they don't allow cheating (porn is a type of cheating, even if he's addicted to it). Either it's a beautiful relationship and he ends his addiction now, or it's a dysfunctional relationship. Either he loves you enough to stop, or he will allow his addiction to destroy everything.

    That's what addicts do. They either decide that enough is enough, and stop, or they destroy not only themselves but also the people who love them. If he doesn't stop, he will destroy you. Not on purpose; but it will happen anyway.
    That is brave and generous of you. You can be proud of managing to do that.

    Now, it's his turn — he needs to be understanding of you. He needs to stop saying that he means to stop, and actually stop. Look at what he does, not at what he says. If he says that he wants to stop but he's still doing it, it's the doing that you must look at.
    Of course devastates you! He doesn't respect you enough to quit. Can you see that this is not a beautiful relationship?

    Let me give you fair warning: If he doesn't stop, he will sooner or later develop PIED, where he won't be able to have sex with you (but he'll still be able to masturbate to porn). Also, the porn will become more and more extreme. That's what porn does. Just like a drug, he needs more and more of it.
    Again, I'm going to be honest with you, and you won't like what I write. Your partner already finds you boring. That's the nature of porn. Porn addiction makes the addict want more and more extremes. A real-life person cannot possibly live up to the expectations of a porn addict's brain. Real sex is boring compared to porn. Real women are dull compared to porn. You are a real woman who gives real sex.

    And, this means that you've already lost him. He's gone. Deep down the rabbit hole.

    He can come back — but only if he decides to stop. As long as he keeps on doing it, he hasn't decided to stop, even if he says that he has (look at what he does, not at what he says).
    You can't change that influence. Only your partner can. Only your partner can decide that enough is enough.

    One author says that a woman drives a man to be the best that he can be, by supporting him when he does the right things, and by pressuring him or leaving him when he does the wrong things. I believe him. When I've been a weak man, the woman whom I've been with at the time either has given me a hard time or has left me.

    I don't know if you have the courage to do either, to pressure him or leave him. But you cannot support him as long as he stays an addict. If he decides to stop (look at what he does, not at what he says), absolutely, support him all the way. But if he decides to continue, don't support him, because that just enables him. Right now, your partner knows that he can carry on jacking off to other women, and you won't leave him; instead, you'll keep on supporting him. As long as you support him, of course he'll carry on! And it will always continue to get worse.

    You need to set your boundaries. You need to tell him, with complete clarity, that he has to stop, NOW, because you don't accept him cheating on you. He will argue with you ("It's not cheating, they aren't real"), but don't let the arguments sway you. All addicts will argue when told to stop. Without boundaries, this will grow worse and worse until one day, ten years from now, you will wonder what happened to your life and why, ten years ago, you allowed yourself to live such an unhappy life.

    So, to answer your question, "What should I do?" Build your boundaries. Decide what happens if he continues to step over the boundaries. Then do it. Once you have set a boundary, you absolutely cannot let him step over it, because if you do that once, he will keep on stepping over the boundary until it no longer exists.

    Your boundary is your choice. For example: You could choose that the boundary is that until he stops and gets therapy, you'll become a real b*tch; and if he doesn't do this within one month, you'll leave him. Be warned: whatever you decide, you must be prepared to go through with it! If you aren't, he will know, and he will just continue to use porn, and get away with it.

    I wish you the best of luck. This porn scourge has destroyed too many lives. You are a brave and supportive woman who deserves a brave and supportive man — so, please don't be another victim.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2020
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  4. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Hey, thanks for your reply!
    We're young. Both 24. And we're together for about teo years now.
    The sex is great between us most of the time, and full of trust and very passionate. But I can feel the influence of porn on him sometimes. I can see him close his eyes and I wonder wtf does he think about. I don't want this addiction to destroy us. I don't want to loose the man I love for some crap videos...
     
  5. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your honesty. Frankly, I do appreciate it.
    And I think you're mostly totally right. But the thing is, I don't want to give up on him just yet. It seems to me as the addiction would win if I let it take our relationship away. I want to fight for him, for what we have, because the beautiful side of it is definitely worth it.
    I'm just angry and scared. An du it's hard finding a balance between understanding and taking care of myself. But your words brought me to think. Thank you again for that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2020
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  6. You don't have to give up on him yet. It's your choice where to place the boundary. You could place it five years away! (Obviously, that long would be silly.)

    But, you must have a meaningful boundary, because while you aren't giving up on him, he has given up on you. When he is faced with the boundary, you'll discover whether he values you more than porn, or porn more than you. Then you can make new decisions.

    It's an unfortunate fact that every addict — whether cocaine, cannabis, heroin, alcohol, porn, whatever — has to face a hard boundary before they will change. I was addicted to porn, and I had to face my boundary. My brother turned to alcohol, and he had to face his. Your partner is no exception. The kindest and most loving thing that you can do for him is to be harsh. He will respond by accepting the need to change or by running away.

    There's something else to consider. One day you'll have kids. Do you want your kids to have as their role model a mother who puts up with this sort of shit? No. So, be a good role model and decide what your boundaries are. Decide what you want to show your kids where unacceptable begins. Likewise, do you want your kids to have as their role model a father who jacks off in front of porn rather than heal a relationship? Is that the kind of man you would want your daughters to marry? Is that the kind of man you would want your boys to be? No. So, be a good role model and accept him only if he also becomes a good role model.

    I know that I've been harsh, Blue. I've been an addict, my brother has been an addict, my grandfather was an addict (sometimes it runs in families). I've dealt with other people who were addicts. I know that with addiction, there always has to be a harsh outcome otherwise the addict won't change. You won't know where your partner's limit lies until he's faced with the boundary, which is when you discover his loyalty (or not) to you.

    Good luck!
     
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    You are so much more fortunate than most of us! Most of us got married, had kids, and then found out about our husband. Just “ celebrated” 28 years of marriage. I refused to divorce because I was not going to give up half my children’s lives. My youngest graduates next year. A year and a half ago, I informed my husband that I would be leaving him. That we needed to get the house ready to sell, we have more than enough money to live comfortably even after divorce. He was not only devastated, he was shocked. Porn keeps them in such a fog that they don’t understand what’s really going on. He thought we had a great marriage. Please, I told him repeatedly how unhappy I was, I begged, I pleaded, you name it, but he just couldn’t give up his porn and lying. He had pied for 5 years for gods sake! He got into counseling, he got into saa groups, he got several accountability partners, he told his boss at work and made him an accountability partner. He journals. In a year and 4 months he has only missed 1 meeting ( he goes to 3 a week). The changes in him are jaw dropping. From more hair, bigger dick both flaccid and erect, brighter eyes, stronger jaw line. Not defensive at all!! He takes responsibility for the damage he’s done, he acknowledges that my reactions and triggers are normal and a response to his behaviors. He said “ there isn’t one thing I won’t do to beat this addiction and save my marriage” and so far he’s kept that promise. However, 28 years. He’s been clean a year and 4 months. He is almost, everything I could’ve wished for, he is more like the boy I dated. But, 28 years. He is a man I’m proud of, now, 28 years later. You’re young. This is a lifetime battle. Even now, I have doubts that I want to continue my life with an addict. I love him, been with him a total of 33 years. This is the rest of your life. If he can’t stop now, it will only get worse.
     
  8. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    I hear this sooooooo often. "What about the kids?"
    The problem with this sentence is that it means people are willing to sacrifice at least 18 years of their life for someone else. Of course a dysfunctional marriage is awful for a child.

    But coming from exactly one of those marriages myself, would have preferred my parents to split up.
    This way it happened as mordobarn said. I actually had no role models. Neither my mom nor my dad. Of course they did everything for me and my brother. Vacations, clubs, help for school, everything was great on paper.
    But the relationship of my parents was - and still is - a catastrophy.
    My mom lost the majority of her life because she wasn't able to set real boundaries for my dad and never acted up on the few he tried to give him.

    I moved out of their home and as far away as i could. I'm over 300 km away now. And i feel great about it. If anything, they have become role-models on what kind of relationship i DON'T want.

    Don't let this happen to you or your future children.
     
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  9. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    And please believe him. Everything he said is pure gold. You couldn't have gotten better advice from a professional.
    Just be thankful that people like him have the life experience and can tell you what you need to hear without sugar coating anything.

    Now its up to you.
    Your own future happiness will depend and your ability to set boundaries and moreso, sticking to them. Cause they are worth absolutely nothing if you don't go through with the consequences.
     
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  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    We actually sat down with our kids and told them about my husbands/ their fathers addiction last year when he finally faced it. They were shocked to say the least because even though I was unhappy with my relationship with my husband, I was not an unhappy person. My husband was never abusive the way sone porn/sex addicts become. We have never fought “ dirty” either. We do not call each other names or belittle each other. Really, the unhappiness came from his lack of desire in the bedroom which was not something we discussed with the children. If that kind of behavior( abusive, name calling, belittling) had been present, then I would’ve been forced to divorce. I absolutely would not put up with that. Fortunately for me, he has always been very kind, always remember b-days, anniversaries etc. he was always affectionate as well. He just avoided me in the bedroom. For some women, that wouldn’t have been a problem, sex every two weeks would’ve been fine. For me, it was a huge problem that he refused to believe or acknowledge. But that alone was not worth me giving up my children for half their life.
     
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  11. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    You made a choice. You put your children's well being first. At least that's what you think you did.

    I have a friend who is a single mother and she is amazing as a parent to her 4 year old daughter.
    I actually would love to see how the little one turns out to be in 15 years and what happens to a child if her mother is this kind of role model where she puts herself first in a relationship.
    Hopefully we still have contact then
     
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  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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  14. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. Really. This is helping and it makes me feel like I can do this right if I manage to take the right decisions. Makes me feel like I am worth it and like I have to right to feel the way I feel. And this is so important. So thanks again for that.
     
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  15. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    I would call bluff if he continues, tell him you give up! Its not your job to be his porn keeper or to have porn sex. YOu deserve so much more. That is what I did, YOu do have a right to feel how you feel and I am sure he tells you different to confuse the mind.
     
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  16. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

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    Actually it's a bit different than what you describe.
    He does talk about it me. He doesn't force me to do/feel anything. He's listening to me, and doesn't reject the way I way I feel.
    I am seriously think about some stronger boundaries to pose in case of a new relapse (which is very probably gonna happen I guess), but as i said before, leaving him just isn't an option for now. I love him despite the whole thing.
     
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  17. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    It is your world and its your journey. He knows your going to stay, so yep he probably will continue to relaspe.
     
  18. Listen to @Real Roboin, because she's right. This is what addicts do. As long as it means that they can continue to get their fix, they'll say what they think you want to hear rather than what they really feel.

    Unfortunately, even the person with the kindest heart and purest intentions will lie convincingly when they're addicted and not yet ready to stop. It's like they can't help it. That's why they need therapy at the same time as stopping the addiction, and why anything short of a hard boundary will simply enable them.

    If he's stopping for you, he won't succeed, and he'll resent you. It will kill the relationship. He needs to stop for himself. Without a hard boundary, where's the motivation? As I wrote earlier, the kindest thing that you can do for him is to set a hard, non-negotiable boundary, and be prepared to act on it.
     
  19. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Listen to @Mordobarn she is also , spot on with her advise.
     
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  20. "He" ;)
     

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