Insights on Rebuilding Trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Deleted Account, Jul 23, 2019.

  1. Five Things to Build Trust

    I want to share some information I gathered in the podcast The Betrayed, The Addicted, and the Expert. These are things that were shared by the expert on the show in regards to building or rebuilding trust.

    This is such a common question for SOs and is one I struggle with! Trust is one of those things that is really hard to define! I imagine there are PAs/SAs who wonder if their partner can or will ever trust them again.

    Here are 5 things that the expert shared to help gain trust:
    1. Be proactive with your own recovery. Trust me when I say that your SO does NOT want to follow you around and nag you and tell you what you do and when to do it and how, so on, so on. The difference between an addict in sobriety and an addict in recovery is often found in how active they are with and in their own recovery. It's not checking boxes or counting days. It's really about trying super hard to become the person you want to be. Replacing bad behaviors with good behaviors. Who is your ideal self? If you can work on becoming that person, your triggers become less powerful and things shift in a way that is much different than just avoiding your addiction.
    2. Be consistent with your actions & behaviors. So many of the SOs experience confusion on a cognitive level. We don't know what's real and what's not. Our lives become a crazy game of trying to scan for a sign of danger. A sign that something is wrong. A good move towards trust is doing what you say you will through effort over time that feels safe on a personal level and towards your SO.
    3. Be connected to household needs. So much of addiction is about "escape". So many things go neglected. A partner often feels alone in the world of the household and feels they are the only one who is aware of what needs to be taken care of. This is helpful to an addict because it pulls them back into reality, into what is happening around them in the here and now. This is helpful for the partner because she can begin to trust that she is not alone in the managing of daily life.
    4. Be patient & empathize to your partner's hurt & pain. I'm sure this is hard especially when the addict feels shame or a need to defend himself. Try to just be there if you can. This will show an awareness of how much the acting out has impacted both of your lives.
    5. Be rigorously honest despite the consequences. In all 5 of these, this one is the most important to me. To be honest despite what may happen is to be vulnerable to a person and to be open with them. It's really letting your partner know who you are. There can be no trust without honesty. I imagine this could be very difficult for someone who has not been honest with themselves or others for a long time. However, this is something that has to happen for trust to be built or rebuilt in the relationship.
    Trust is the foundation of a secure attachment. Be trustworthy; don't do trustworthy.

    This probably comes off as a lecture, but I hope it can be seen instead as a real answer to a question that many couples face - "Will there ever be trust again in my relationship?"

    Good luck to everyone trying to repair a relationship that is important in your life.

    Please add your thoughts, questions and ideas relating to what has helped you rebuild trust in your relationship.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 23, 2019
  2. Thanks for sharing, definitely needed to read this and will pass along. :)
    Deleted Account likes this.
  3. Rehab_warrior

    Rehab_warrior Fapstronaut

    Thanks Heartbroken

    Stay brave
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    This is so spot on!! Thank you for sharing. The biggest ones that stick out for me is #1 and #3. Those are vital!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. Working on it every day! It's hard! Thank you.

    I'm glad these resonate for you. When I heard this it was like the fog lifted! These are why things are not changing for me mentally and what my mind keeps looking for! Knowing is the half the battle, I hope.
  6. Couldn’t have said it better myself. This post has totally turned my day around and I know it will help lots of people. Thank you for helping me trust myself again.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  7. I'm hooked on this podcast now. Thank you! It's great to listen and contemplate on my afternoon, post-lunch walks.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  8. Awesome!! So glad you are gathering insight from it too!

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