Intending to approach women and then oops! didn't happen

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by e8ight, Feb 22, 2018.

  1. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    So today I set a firm intention to cold approach at least one woman. I didn't really make a thing of it by going out especially, I just said to myself I would do it in the course of my day. I just didn't manage it though - I made a joke with one woman at the counter of the supermarket, but it felt a little weak in comparison to what I had intended (approaching someone and clearly expressing why I was approaching her). Then I walked a long way round home after swimming and went through the student area - there were so many hot girls I could have approached, but I felt myself looking at them and thinking 'but they look so young' (I'm 29) - the degree to which this was a rationalisation or not is confusing me. Now, I'm at home and didn't approach anyone and feeling pretty disappointed with myself.

    Tomorrow is a new day and I will set my goal again (it's going to be a recurring goal anyway), but I figure I can't be the only one that this happens/has happened to. How have others dealt with this tentativeness?

    While I know that 'just do it' is ultimately what I have to do, I don't have much time for advice that begins with 'just' - I'm more interested in how people have experienced this and what they have done to overcome/work with it.
     
  2. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

    782
    1,091
    123
    There's probably some inhibition inside that is keeping you from being forthcoming. I know this because it is the same for me.

    First make sure your intentions are not just to get a girlfriend, but to just meet someone. Don't approach someone expecting her to be a future spouse, just think, "hey, another human being."

    What if you were living in an apocalypse and couldn't find anyone? You'd probably run and scream "OVER HERE!" if you saw someone. Maybe pretend that's what's happening and then just tone it down.
     
  3. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

    676
    811
    93
    I'm literally struggling with this too fear sets in and you become docile.I suggest to consistently try and realize that it takes practice I need to start following my own advice lol
     
    e8ight likes this.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    1,140
    5,538
    143
    If you want higher quality pleasures, solutions, and positive experiences, you'll have to open yourself up to greater pain, problems, and negative experiences.

    You won't become competent and confident at something unless you have the repeated courage to push outside your comfort zone.

    You have to be willing to change your perception and reaction towards failure, rejection, fear, tension, and uncertainty.

    Ask yourself why a stranger has such power to potentially destroy your world? Why you're so ready to trade your self worth for a stranger's approval? Why are strangers scary? It's a lack of understanding and experience.
     
  5. Temujin

    Temujin Fapstronaut

    402
    264
    63
    Cold approach is literally the scariest thing i have ever done. I used to have extreme social anxiety, so going outside was difficult.

    So i broke it down

    Everyday i would go outside and walk around, no intent to approach, just get used to walk around outside. At first i was scared, then after a while going outside was no longer scary.

    Then i would find ways to stand next to women i thought where cute. If i saw one walking towards me i would stop and pull out my phone and look at as if i got a text. This got me comfortable with being in a position where i could start talking to girls i thought i was cute. Again super scary at first but then i got used to it.

    Next step was asking for directions. Again super scary. But after doing it more and more it got easier.

    Then cold-approaching and just having general relaxed conversation.

    Then throwing in that i think they are cute etc etc

    The point is if i went out and just said to cold-approach, for me it would of never happened. I had to break down each of my levels of anxiety slowly through repeated daily exposure. It took time, but for me it worked. The amazing feeling you have when you talk to a girl you think is cute and she reacts super well and you exchange contact info. Unbelievable.
     
  6. hmm cold approach well it can be very nerve racking but it can also be very exciting to because you never no what might happen .The secret I found is not to overthink it, and have fun with it coming up to a women to serous never works well. Go up to her and ask her if she has hemroids lol usally women are like to talk about the area there in checkout line, mall, Grocery s store of some I know when I have been in line some were I might start talking to women by asking if they give discounts if I have to wait more than 30 seconds in line if there interested something like that sparks a conversation at a grocery store I might ask a women is this really fresh come on I don't think they picked it this morning . if she is interested she will start talking if not move on
     
    e8ight and Hitto like this.
  7. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    477
    621
    93
    IMHO e8ight your problem is not with cold approach that is just consequence. The real problem is much deeper: you put too much value in what other people thinks about you and very little value in what you really want. I recommend watch this ted talk. The guy speaking founded website later website confort zone crusher, might be worth checking.

    So basically the first challenge is to lay on ground on busy street for 30 seconds without any explanation. If you do this you realise that you feel exactly same feelings as when trying to do cold approach. This challenge would be totally easy to do on desert island where you are the only person on island (because there you would do 100% what YOU want and dont care at all about approving, image, other people opinions). However it is something different to do on busy street where "what you want" < "what you want other people to think about you". I have done laying challenge on trafalgar square and oxford street in london, as well as other challenges like singing loudly (badly) on the street and so on. Once you build that "inner muscle that want you want matter the most" there is no problem with cold approaching because you dont care what approaching person or other people in surrounding think about your successful/unsuccessful approach what matter most for you is what you want - meet some amazing people that will make you happy, anything else is not important.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
    Cognac and e8ight like this.
  8. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    Ah guys this is all really great stuff, thanks for sharing your experiences - it seems one of the hardest things to find online is success stories of people who went from socially anxious or self-conscious to having the confidence to approach girls (among other things I'm sure!), much less breaking down their methodology in a personally oriented way.

    The sense I get is that what Temujin and JustinX say are particularly relevant to me. There is certainly inner work to be done, and I definitely seek approval and praise from others - but that can become quite safe I guess, always preparing but never acting, so enacting some of my intentions seems really important. A lot of advice seems to fall under the 'shock therapy' strategy where you approach 10 girls each day for 6 months or something of that sort, so it's great to hear ideas that tackle the problem in a much more gradual way. My experience of life is that gradual build ups with genuine inner transformation are the only way to build anything significant.

    As it happens since I posted had a good couple of days - flirted with an attractive letting agent who was showing me a property, asked a girl at the swimming baths if she wanted to have a race with me and generally been a lot more communicative with friends, family and random strangers. All have been fun!

    To add in another more specific aspect, how do people work with rejection in these circumstances?
     
  9. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    937
    611
    93
    How do you deal with Rejection?

    Good question.

    You're about to walk to the local convenience store to get cigarettes. You open the door and you realize it's starting to rain heavily.

    How do you deal with the rain? Get an umbrella and carry on.

    Unfortunately, and I'm extremely guilty of this, I look at a nice looking girl and see the opportunity for rejection, embarassment etc.

    If you saw a fifty dollar bill on the sidewalk would you be scared of it?
    No you'd go out and pick it up! Women are like 50 dollar bills.

    If you ignore everything I just said, that's fine. But don't ignore this:

    I want you to become a master golfer. But you're not going to the golfcourse. You're going to stay at home. Watch videos on golf. Read books. Read forums. Everything. Once you've read watched and memorized everything about golf... Will you be a scratch golfer?

    If you're going to learn but not train, you might as well go back to fapping because it's pretty much the same fucking thing.
     
    Vulkan likes this.
  10. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    477
    621
    93
    How do you deal with Rejection?

    Bad question.

    You dont deal with rejection. Actually, rejection your friend and good thing. I dont know why many men approach women with mind set: "if I get woman's number/date that is a success, if I get rejection that is a fail. I should avoid rejection as much as possible". This thinking is totally bad and counterproductive.

    With right thinking you should have only 2 things on your mind when approaching woman:
    1. The most important: Do I like her? Is she funny enough? Will she make me happy? Do I really want to go on date with her?
    2. Is she also interested in me?
    Dont care about anything else. If you find answers to both things that is a success. If you dont (either chickens or whatever) that is a fail. It is simple as that.

    1. If you find out that you actually dont like her, she is boring, she is hard to talk to - that still is a successful approach because you can faster move to another girl that will be better for you.
    2. If you like her and you did great approach to find out that she is not interested in you - that is still a success because that girl would not make your life happier anyway and sooner you find that out the better. You dont know why she is not interested: maybe her dog just died and she dont want to go out with anybody; maybe be you resemble her exboyfriend she want to forgot; maybe ... whatever reason. That doesnt matter. What matters is that she will not make your life better. Good job finding that! The worst thing that can actually happen is approach a girl, go out on date, spend lot of money, time, energy just to find out after date that she was not so interested in you in the first place. You see my friend, the sooner you find answers (whatever they are) to those 2 things, the better for you. This way rejection is actually your friend because it helps you quickly/cheaply/effectively weed out the women that wont make your life better from those that will.

    Lets imagine that you approach a girl, have a short chat and laugh together and you say smiling "haha you so funny. We should go for drinks sometimes." (to find out the second thing). If she answers something like no, maybe, I dont know, ok. Dont even bother going out with her or persuading her. Just waste of your time/money. However I guarantee that if that woman answers "hell yes", "Definitely we should" the date with such girl will be incomparable better then with somebody who says just "maybe".

    I hope its clearer now and there is no need to be afraid of rejection. This concept is originally from Models by Mark Manson (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24). I think it would be really helpful for you to read it. He talks a lot about cold approaching, how to do it correctly, rejection, creating good emotional connections and relationships. Not PUA but much better.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2018
    Hitto and Sandsii like this.
  11. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    Thanks for this man, but I wonder if maybe this is a 'just do it...' in disguise? What has your experience of this been? How have you tackled it?
     
  12. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    Thanks dude, I was listening to this book on audiobook last year but I don't think I was quite ready to hear what it had to say - it made me feel shitty about myself actually. This was partly my stuff, but I think there were things inbuilt in the content of the book that led to that.

    This is definitely helpful - positive thinking and shifting our perceptions has huge potential for change in my experience. The only issue I have with this is that it doesn't attend to the part of myself that feels (usually in the depths of my gut) hurt and confused and lost by rejection. There's only so much cognitive optimism that can help that (at least at the moment, I think the former will ultimately help shift the latter over time - perhaps 'time' is the magic factor here ultimately, I'm possibly just being impatient!). It's how to integrate those two things in the moment that I find tricky...
     
  13. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    937
    611
    93
    Well, just do it is the final piece to the puzzle when it comes down to all these questions so I suppose ultimately it is.

    It starts off with training yourself to move forward and not retreating when you see a woman you want to talk to.

    I have a friend, and it's almost embarassing, but a good looking broad can't get within 15 feet of him and him not talking to her. More often than not be gets told to fuck himself but he literally doesn't care. He doesn't sit there in his head and say to himself "I don't care I don't care I don't care" he just doesn't. You're scared of pain. If you can't learn to embrace it, you'll never get passed anything
     
    Vulkan, JustinX and Hitto like this.
  14. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    And I agree with you, I just find it more helpful when it's in the context of someone's lived experience rather than abstract advice. The beauty of this site is that it isn't a book or a video or even a therapeutic setting - it's real people doing something together, and even though it's a forum on a website I think there is a beautiful potential to benefit from the experiences of others. That might be - 'I'm really struggling with this too', 'I'm a bit further ahead on the journey and this has been working for me' or 'I got past this particular issue and can say that these are the things that really helped me get to where I am.' Some will be more or less helpful, but they are more likely to inspire me to want to change and to 'just do it' if I can clearly see the human in it.

    I'd be really interested in hearing how the advice you've given has played out in your life and what difficulties or successes you've had with it and how you've overcome them. You may not want to share, which is totally cool. Either way, that is what I'm looking for, both here and in life generally!
     
  15. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    This is real inspiring stuff man. It's so easy to get overly focussed on the final goal and forget that steady work over time is what ultimately gives lasting results. Keep sharing and keep at it!
     
  16. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    937
    611
    93
    Gotcha - it's tough because it all depends on your mood.

    Here's an example - I was sitting at a bar. Girl maybe 2 seats down comes in. I don't think we made eye contact. She starts talking to the bartender a bit and she was complaining about her stressful day.

    I chimed in and say "well, here's to alcohal then" and raised my glass. We toasted. I asked her how her night was. She said she was catching a bus to another city to spend her weekend with her friend. So we chit chatted about where we were from. Turned out we went to the same highschool. (She was in 9 when I was in 12) I'm 27 now btw. Anyways she said something about me being good looking so as the convo went on I said well instead of seeing your friend why don't you come home with me she said tempting but no. I walked her to her bus and kissed her before she left.
    We had exchanged numbers. She messaged me a week later. We went out and as you can imagine missioned accomplished.

    Had I not chimed up and said anything to her at the bar, It never would've gone anywhere.

    Now, it's much easier to approach girls at a bar then it is a Starbucks so I am mindful of that. The same principals apply there, but youll have no liquid courage and she'll have had no liquid panty remover lol
     
    Vulkan likes this.
  17. e8ight

    e8ight Fapstronaut

    274
    119
    43
    I think your core point is really important - and I guess it's pretty simple. Make conversation with someone - it doesn't need to be profound or smooth or anything like that. It can be easy when you're not used to the dating thing to look at guys who are 'good' at it and think that there is some magic trick or required level of charm/looks to do what they do.

    What you say helps to hear as, like someone else said earlier in the thread, it means I can drop my expectations of myself a little!
     
    Hitto and Cognac like this.
  18. Temujin

    Temujin Fapstronaut

    402
    264
    63
    Totally drop your expectations and reduce the pressure on yourself as much as possible.

    If a girl is single and straight, chances are she will be interested in meeting guys.

    She will help you. I've made some godawful approaches in my time, but if the girl was interested in meeting someone she helped salvage it.
     
    Hitto and Cognac like this.
  19. Cognac

    Cognac Fapstronaut

    937
    611
    93
    A girl I used to mess around with...she was a complete psycho... Anyways recently she was at a gas station and some guy said something to her about the air pump or premium or whatever it was....and you know what happened? She banged him lol.

    If you want to play the game the first step is to go where the game is being played. eventually someone will throw you a ball.
     
  20. wow I hope the guy wore protection lol or had a good health care plan HAHA LOL
     
    Hitto likes this.

Share This Page