Intimacy issues in my relationship

In the book the 5 Love Languages, physical touch is one of the love languages. It might be important to you (even aside from your porn addiction). Physical touch is important to a lot of people that are not addicts. It might be good for you to explore those love languages together and then know what each other’s languages are and then work toward meeting them.

Without knowing the frequency that you need cuddles and the lengths you’ll go to get them, it’s hard to know if it’s an addictive problem or not.

 

Absolutely Agree! Physical touch may be the least of her love languages. I would encourage you to go check it out.

 

It is interesting how couples are always so mismatched in this. My husband too, could live without hugs, kisses, cuddles, just with sex. i feel so clingy at times but it is also because I never get enough of self-initiated intimacy- i am always the one initiating. I don’t know if it would help but we had a talk precisely about that and now he is trying his best.

 

Was she always like this witihin the relationship or did something change?

Okay, so it sounds like she initiates it sometimes, but not as much as you or not as much as you would like? As others have mentioned, physical touch can be one of many love languages and not always the primary one for some people. With that said, I personally would find it demanding and exhausting if my significant other asked me constantly to cuddle, but there are also tons of things which have influenced that such as family upbringing, trauma, and addiction.

It may or not be related to porn addiction. It could just be a difference in preference or it's both. While cuddling can be a very intimate activity, I wouldn't say it is necessarily a sign of healthy intimacy. I think motives themselves illustrate if the activity is coming from a healthy place or an unhealthy one.

 

I would look into attachement styles. I just recently learned that I have an avoidant-anxious attachement style while my boyfriend has an anxious attachement style. So while his internalized fear is fear of abandonment because of not being good enough and compensating it with extreme amounts of intimacy, my internalized fear is being emotionally and physically close and compensating it with extreme amounts of distance. So basically we kept unconsciously confirming each others fears with our unhealthy attachement styles and my attachement style was a trigger for his addiction. Not sure if this helps, but it could be a possibility.