Intro: My story short

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by morfeus, Dec 30, 2018.

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  1. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    Pornography destroyed my life...

    I couldn't find other words to describe the madness pornography and masturbation did to my life.

    I am a male who recently turned 31. I discovered masturbation when I was about 11, and porn when I was about 12 and it was a completely mesmerizing experience as I remember. Back in the 90's porn wasn't widely available as we had to buy magazines with girls and VHS tapes. Being a child still, I remember I was saving from pocket money that parents gave me to buy videotapes. That limited me to only one movie in two-three months. I remember I had joy and didn't have anxiety or any other issue in my teens.

    When I was 18 years old, high speed internet came to my home and so did "joys" of internet pornography. I was a good student by then, enrolled in college - studying information technology. Suddenly, pornography took me and my inner soul. For the next 7 years, only thing I remember is watching porn, being grumpy, clumsy, depressive and masturbating as high as 4 times a day. I was frequently masturbating for 12 hours, constantly searching for material online, until my penis was suffering and starting to bleed. Then I had to finish off because it hurt me to continue, but I was mad 'cause I still thought I didn't find the hottest chick to finish off on the picture of her. I never got past the first year of college because I never got any time to do anything else besides watching porn, and after that I was depressive because I could never get so hard as porn actors, or have a penis that size or be with hot girls as them.

    When I turned 25, I found myself an awesome girl. You know that kind of person you meet once and know that she is the one? We recently separated after six years of her patient waiting for me to change. I loved her, and still do, but I couldn't break myself this habit of watching porn and masturbating like a mad man. Over time, she grew tired of me. I couldn't have a normal sex with her because I feel nothing during sex and my erections don't last. Nothing felt like when I rubbed it with lube and squeeze it violently to the point it became all red and start to bleed. I lost every job I had after just month or two. I couldn't keep any job because I was constantly thinking of porn and masturbation and I became lazy to do anything.

    I started with nofap 7 days ago. This is truly my last resort, my last straw to grab on, before I commit to something serious as taking my own life. I recognize I have a big problem, I want her back, I want a normal life and I want to get rid of this plaque that is taking my heart and my soul.
     
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  2. 1 Tes. 4:3

    1 Tes. 4:3 Fapstronaut

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    Good step in the right direction. Your honesty in telling day tells you are decided to kill this problem for good. The journey might be hard, but the thing is to keep moving forward. We are here to help each other.
     
  3. Hey man, I believe that you'll overcome this. Stay strong, I'll pray for you today (even if you're an atheist).
    Good luck.
     
  4. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for prayers. I managed to discipline myself for now. I have to say first 5 days were the hardest. These last 5 days I am entering something like half-flatline. Sometimes I feel urge, sometimes I feel nothing. I don't know if that is normal.
     
  5. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks
     
  6. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    Hey Morfeus, thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like things are rough right now. You are in a tough spot right now and it sounds like years of PMO has caused severe depression. Don’t give up! You will find the hope you are looking for here. We understand how horrible PMO is and we can relate to how it has been a horrible thing in our lives.

    It appears to me that you sincerely want PMO out of your life, and if so, good for you! I would suggest the following course of action:

    1. Have a firm resolve to do whatever it takes to overcome this addiction. This means that you have to be brutally honest with yourself and your new friends on this site. You may have to disclose things that make you uncomfortable. You may have to install porn blocker software on your computer and smart phone. You may have to go through difficult withdrawal symptoms several times over the next year or so.

    2. Start your day counter and start a journal in the age group appropriate forum under the logs section. This will be of great benefit to you as you will be able to track your progress, set goals and track them, and allow others to read your journal, give suggestions and encourage you along the way. Do this, it will make a big difference.

    3. Set goals for yourself other than just no PMO. You need to prove to yourself that you can control your own destiny. Maybe you could make a goal to exercise daily or to write in your journal daily. Set a goal that gets you out of your comfort zone. I take only cold showers - which is hard to do but I prove to myself that I control my own destiny. You need to build up your ability to exercise willpower in your life again. Setting goals and achieving them will help you gain back self confidence. You will prove to yourself that you can do difficult things and that you are not a quitter.

    4. Be ready to experience difficulties and heartbreaking relapses. “No PMO” is a journey, not a one time resolution. You will experience relapse many times. You must resist the urge to beat yourself up every time you do. You can be disappointed but you need to view each setback as a learning opportunity. How did you relapse? What were the circumstances that lead you to fall? You learn something each time and resolve to not fall for the same trap the next time. There may be multiple reasons why we PMO. We need to discover each reason by trial and error and learn how to deal with each reason in a healthy way. Maybe it’s loneliness, or when you are extra tired, etc. Be ready for many disappointments. But don’t beat yourself up each time. Look at it as a mistake and that you now know what to do to not repeat the same mistake. You iteratively become wiser and stronger.

    5. Follow others on this site. Read their journals and see what their setbacks were. You can gain knowledge and ideas from them. You can even become good friends with them and you can help each other through those tough withdrawal symptoms. This is crucial.

    6. Get ready to do the most difficult thing you’ve done in your entire life. This requires serious effort and resolve. It requires resiliency. How long will you keep going? I personally am committed to keep fighting PMO for the rest of my life, even after PMO no longer plagues me. I’m not trying to scare you, I just want you to know how much work will be required. A half-hearted effort will not get you the results you are looking for.

    These are just a few thoughts I had. I’m available if you would like to have a private conversation about this. Feel free to PM me if you have questions on how to do any of the above. Best of luck to you - your journey starts today :).
     
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  7. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    I relapsed today. Not because I was weak, not because I wanted it so bad. It happened because I wanted it to happen. After 11 days, I wanted to see has my ED gotten any better. I have to say it did. Not a lot better, but it did. It is enough to prove me that nofap is maybe a way out of my situation so I am committing to 90 day challenge from this moment. Thanks for all the suggestions and advice.
     
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  8. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    Sorry man! Good job setting your sights higher.
     
  9. ryan23

    ryan23 Fapstronaut

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    There's some really helpful NoFap videos on YouTube that were really encouraging for me. As well as this community in general! I wish you the best.
     
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  10. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    Thanks
     
  11. tsmith1534

    tsmith1534 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Morfeus for sharing your story. Know that you have as much support as you need here no matter what. It's a long, difficult journey that we are all on together. Keep holding on and remember that you are never alone and no matter how bad things are, the brain is reversible over time.
     
    Jefe Rojo likes this.
  12. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    This isn’t working. I am a fucking worthless, ugly loser and moron that needs to die. Period.
     
  13. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    Sorry Morfeus! It’s really hard to stay positive and want to try again after a relapse. Do you want to talk about it?
     
  14. Jefe Rojo

    Jefe Rojo Fapstronaut

    By the way, you are none of those things. Years of PMO has made you believe that about yourself. Keep your head up, things will get better. It’s hard to be patient with ourselves when we want to be freed from this cage of addiction so badly. In order to free yourself you have to learn from each relapse and find ways to deal with each reason (why you relapsed) in a healthy way next time. This may not be the last time this happens. It might have to happen 100 more times before you free yourself. The key is to not let it each time beat you down. It was a mistake. Think about how the relapse happened, learn from it, and move forward. We still believe in you!
     
  15. tsmith1534

    tsmith1534 Fapstronaut

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    I know what it’s like to want to end your life, I’ve been there. The feeling is just beyond what words can describe. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? For me, that brought me out of that mindset. Just give it a try you never know.

    Also if you need it here’s the suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255
     
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  16. morfeus

    morfeus Fapstronaut

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    No, I don't want to. I am finished. My life is ruined. I am a fucking worthless, ugly person.
     
  17. payooli

    payooli Fapstronaut

    Dude, I am new here but not new to recovery, be it alcohol or nicotine or what have you. You are not any more worthless or ugly than anyone else here. What you are is a mere human being, like the rest of us, who has gone down an unfortunate path for a long time. It is never too late to begin choosing another path. It's going to be hard, it's going to suck at times. Now happens to be one of those times. It will not always suck, and it will not always be this hard. Listen to the old timers. (I am not an old-timer in nofap but I am in other forms of recovery.)
     
  18. tsmith1534

    tsmith1534 Fapstronaut

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    I would ask that you just give it a try first. You really won’t know if it’ll help or not until you’ve tried. And you owe yourself at least that much to try everything first.
    Something else you can do that some of my friends have done that helped a lot was to check yourself in to a hospital. There you can get immediate help. I know that sounds extreme but that is an option. I’d only ask that you try every option before you give up.
     
  19. Beautiful_Life

    Beautiful_Life Fapstronaut

    Hi!!
    Good luck in our journey.
    It's when you realize how beautiful life is when you look for happiness in things that make you feel full.
    In my case it helps me when I appreciate them, the sun, a smile, a song, saying thank you, a laugh, forgiving someone...If we achieve that our looking and view of things change so that we can see people in a beautiful and deep way, (as what they really are, as persons and admire them as they are) admire their inside beauty, but also the outside one with pure eyes, we will win. We will be also able to admire us totally and transmit it to the people around us. I would recommend you that everyday you look yourself in a mirror and smile, you will feel you have a lot of value and you will be able to look the beauty in you, also through your eyes and your looking.

    I am Christian and it helps me a lot also contemplating the love of God, it's something that makes me see things differently and be separated from PMO. Also confessing it's something incredible.
    I think our goal is to find love in the pure way.
    If I can help you in whatever just ask. I will be praying for you. Good luck again!
     

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