Intro to a 25 y/o male addict

Hi,

I'm not new to NoFap, I've been following since April this year when Time came out with its article on porn addiction.

That was ground breaking. It showed that everything I had been struggling with since I was 17 had reached the surface of mainstream media and, more importantly, showed I wasn't alone.

Article: http://fightthenewdrug.org/new-cover-story-in-time-magazine-highlights-porn-epidemic/

I signed up, downloaded the app and watched as my progress steadily improved. My months went from red to green and then...I relapsed. Hard. And I have been since October.

I'll have my good days and my bad days, like most, but side by side like a bipolar roller coaster. I also happen to be a gay male, so imagine the temptation that comes with having over a dozen sites and apps at your disposal, all designed for sex.

One hit of dopamine in the morning, another during lunch, and of course one after class when I get home. Like clockwork. And that's if I don't decide to skip class and spend my day bedridden (it's happened a couple times).

Andrew Solomon, the author of The Noonday Demon, says that the opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality. I've been sapped of vitality on certain days. And on others I can be energetic and productive, whenever I refrain from fapping.

It's gotten so bad that after I get off at night and turn off my light, my mind will race, wracked with guilt, and I'll imagine a terrifying demon lurking into my room (think the Babadook.) The image and fear is so real I'll turn on my light multiple times before finally going to sleep. This is non-existent when I'm abstaining. And it's a perfect example of my addiction manifesting itself into something almost tangible, when it gets bad enough.

My addiction has become a major obstacle between me and my goals: a degree, a relationship, a better body and mind. I feel once I can get over it, I can begin to learn who I really am, and pick up where that 17 year old boy left off.

I've read the science, watched the YouTube videos and made a million promises to myself. But I have had yet to reach out to the community, until now. I've read the support, seen the success, and it's impossible to deny what really possible.

So this is my formal introduction. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.