Introducing myself: findom-femdom addict

[Jp7888]

Good afternoon for whose reading this,

I am a 21 years old male who have an findom-femdom addiction for 6-7 years and still.
I decided to log in here seeking being part of a community that shares my goal and can understand me.
I started watching porn with 10-11 years old. At the begginig was vanilla porn, and within years it turned out to be femdom-findom sadomasochism. From the age of 15 to 19 I didn't enjoy sex at all. I have various sexual intercourses but I have never enjoy it and sometime I avoided to have sex with women because I was afraid of my ED.
Luckily, at age 19 I got a girlfriend who made me enjoy sex for the first time in my whole life. From that point until today, I am able to enjoy sex and want to do it, even though sometime my mind just shifts towards porn when I'm having sex.
I have been going to therapy for 3 years now and my longest streak withou PMO is 60 days. My longest streaks comes from the last year, when I decided to take my addiction more seriously.
I wanted to state that apart from my ED that is not currently happening, I didn't have more problems related with my interactions with women neither flirting, that is something I really like. What is most affected due to the type of porn I consume is my self-steem. I think is almost destroyed, and at some point I have social anxiety, other times I'm just fine.
Nowadays, I have a girlfriend with whom I really enjoy sex, but I am not able of quitting this addiction. I am a bit hopeless. Moreover, I noticed lately that I am not quite sure if I want to quit. My brain has an inner discussion about all the pleasure and anxiety relief that porn gives me againt more long-term benefits as having higher self-steem.
Honestly, I don't know what more to do. I am going to the gym, I am studying what I like and having good grades, I have a girlfriend for 1 year and a half, I have some projects going on. So, what I am supposed to do? My best strategy is just to abstain of PMO for the most time, no more specific actions.
I'm comming here also seeking for a mentor, or someone that had the same problem.
I am aware I cannot quit 100% my addiction and I'll carrying with me, but I want to control it.
Finally, I talk this with my girlfriend and my mom and they are very supportive, the problem is the money. I have spend more than 1000 dollars within 2 years. It's like, fuck. If It is only porn who affects me is one thing, but is affecting my family economy because at the end they are paying for it and my girlfriend is fed up with that. She doesn't know how to help me, but is suffering for my fucking shitty decisions.
I know it's my burden and only my actions can help.
If you have read until here, thank you. I need to take out all the shit I have inside myslef.

 

[Drisko]

Hey - I just started a post in the *ahem* 40-49 category on findom.

I started out with a femdom fetish - in the last six months got into findom (with one creator) in a major way. Am going to reboot as of tomorrow.

I'm probably not the best mentor as I am only just starting but I'll be with you, brother, side-by-side.

The fact that you have posted on here means you have hope. Deep down inside of you there was something that wanted to do something about this. Let's grow that thing!

Also great that you have started therapy. I've done a couple of bouts over the years - three years straight is a long time.

You would expect real progress by now. Maybe you need a different therapist - sometimes even a change of person is good enough but think it will help to find someone with whom you click and who really specialises in this (they are out there).

The one advantage we have with findom is that we spend money already. Channel that into quality time and experiences with you, your girlfriend and your family.

We need to get that dopamine firing when you spend money on them, not on some creator.

I'll speak to my "domme" as I don't want to offend you and don't know your story in detail. Mine is incredibly beautiful, super smart (PhD in psychology), can be so tender and yet so strict / dominant. But, she's an abuser. She gaslights me, she manipulates me, she is taking money that I should be spending on my family. She's nothing but a leech (admittedly, very well packaged).

Let's get these leeches off us and do what we know is right and what we know is important and what we really care about.

Come on, man - it's me and you against the world!!

 

[Jp7888]

Hey @Drisko!

I started out with a femdom fetish - in the last six months got into findom (with one creator) in a major way. Am going to reboot as of tomorrow.

I'm probably not the best mentor as I am only just starting but I'll be with you, brother, side-by-side.

Well man, even though you are starting, the fact of having someone with who share my experience and share the progess is super great! I will look forward to reading your blog also! I am eager of being side-by-side brother!

You would expect real progress by now. Maybe you need a different therapist - sometimes even a change of person is good enough but think it will help to find someone with whom you click and who really specialises in this (they are out there).

Honestly, I have made a progress now. Last years I couldn't be 5 staight days without porn. Now I have been 60 days without. The thing is that before every porn abstantion there was an expensive findom experience. I really don't want to aknowledge my addiction only after spending some money.
You are right. I need to channel my money into my family, girlfriend and other experiences. That way, maybe, my dopamine would be reset and I would enjoy more the relationships.

I'll speak to my "domme" as I don't want to offend you and don't know your story in detail. Mine is incredibly beautiful, super smart (PhD in psychology), can be so tender and yet so strict / dominant. But, she's an abuser. She gaslights me, she manipulates me, she is taking money that I should be spending on my family. She's nothing but a leech (admittedly, very well packaged).

I don't have an unique "domme". The interactive findom could be done with anyone that I found sexy. With femdom I was more specific being a subscriptor of a humiliation website and only buying specific "dommes" videos.

Let's get these leeches off us and do what we know is right and what we know is important and what we really care about.

Come on, man - it's me and you against the world!!

I really like your attitude. That motivates me a lot man!
And for sure, it's you and me against the fucking femdom-findom world!
I am planning on writting my journal also, so we could get feedback from each other that way!
Thanks a lot! I feel we can make it!