Intro Hello kings and queens, I hope your day has been going well, I have been lurking on here for some time, and after tonight I knew I had to commit to this, and the first part of that process is admitting I have a problem, this isn't easy for me to say, but let me tell you about me. History With Porn I think I've been regularly fapping since I was a pre-teen, I was exposed to a lot of porn when i was growing up, my parents were very liberal with my exposure to things, and as such they really didn't care that I was consuming so much porn, i've never had anyone in my early life who was against porn, an as such it has taken me a long time to come to that understanding that there's a problem with me, i'm not sure how but i think this has been a thing even when I was in the 2nd grade, and when I hit puberty i would fap all day, anything I could to get my rocks off I could, so this drug has been around me for upwards of 10 years, I've been fapping probably about twice a week ever since I got into college, which is better than doing upwards of 21 times/week when I was in middle school/highschool, i would routinely fap a lot in middle school, but this got much worse after I started to collect porn on my computer in 2015, a large amount of my peers were getting into porn curation, and i wanted to follow suit, amassing a large amount of pornography that i always kept near my computer, this grew from an 8 gig flash drive, to an online archive, to a laptop archive, a SUB-archive and an additional archive, i probably had upwards of 30+ gigs of porn throughout 2018, when i finally deleted 3 years worth of porn, though the problem still remained, back in 2017 i bought my first fleshlight, and bragged about it to my peers, who in turn made fun of me for buying it, nowadays we laugh it off and no one cares, but it was very uncomfortable, and i had blackmail on me, I have since bought two more fleshlights, and have moved away from them as much as i can, i moved more and more away from 3d porn, and now i almost never get off to any 3d porn, its almost always hentai and 2d porn, which is helping but there's still the problem. Problems I've noticed Growing up I was never really a ladies man, growing up i more or less was friendly towards women, but since highschool things have changed, one of the worst times in my life was when I had a lot of conflicting feelings towards a girl that i loved, she had a boyfriend, and me and her had a lot of actual chemistry, looking back i should've just played it cool and take her out for dinner and go for a walk, but instead i totally flubbed it all, and ended up admitting my love for her and letting it go, when there was literally no reason for me to do that in my position, i was crushing on this girl hardcore, and only had wished i had looked more into the dating game before going forward, thankfully me and her are friendly nowadays (somehow), i've had one girlfriend ever, a really nice, but weird quaker girl is a bit of a meme at my school, the entire relationship was founded on a dare, "i dare you to have sex with (exgirlfriend)" keep in mind at this time i had no idea what game was and just kinda puttered around and ended up being her boyfriend for like a couple months, though who i nearly had a sexual encounter with her, but was too disgusted to go forward (her dad was in the room). but now since i'm a 6'3 tall, somewhat atheletic white guy, i have been getting a lot more of female attention in college, I have very conflicting views on this, as i am disgusted by the idea of smashing thots, it just feels dirty, but i am not at an age where i would like to marry, and need to get my rocks off somehow, i've had one encounter where this girl on my floor gave me bedroom eyes and asked what i was doing tonight, there's a large hookup culture at my college, so i knew what was coming if i played my cards right, but something about this just doesn't feel right, so i just said "doing homework and cooking" instead of "lets do something " im still a virgin and i dont know anything about this girl other than she wants to hookup with me, most of the women here disgust me, i know from firsthand experience that i have access to sex all around me, but that sex just doesn't sound good, i would want sex in an actual relationship, one that would end in marriage, but im not at the age where i should marry, so this is where masturbation comes in and saved me both of the troubles, but i know that there's an issue with that, if i had a regular flow of money i'd just pay for sex, i could make a tinder account to pursue sex,but that just sounds like a terrible idea for me, i'd technically consider myself a volcel but i dont even know if they exist, female psychology is a recent development for me, so all i need to do is apply myself and i would eventually get sex, but sex outside an actual relationship is just gross for me, so i go back to masterbation, but i know what it feels like to not masturbate, even just 4 days into nofap feels great, and i really like it, but the short-term instant dopamine is too much for me to handle, which is a problem. there's a lot of girls here who i could go head ofver heels for, but if its only for a quick one, whats the point? its all so tiresome. I have a problem I have been trying to kick this habit for nearly 3ish years now, mostly with no results, i didn't really even think it was a problem until a couple of years ago i really noticed what happened if i diffent do it, a very enjoyable but hellish timeframe, I've tried and tried many times to go cold-turkey, usually lasting two days at most, the most success i've gotten was from a school trip where i lasted 6 days i think, my current best is 6 days, i've lied to my friends about how much I have restrained myself, which i am regretful of, whenever i fap sometimes i am overcome with a strong feeling of sadness, and thinking "what am i doing?" though i have turned some of these lemons into lemonade, i usually do something productive after i fap, as a response to me wanting to do something that should help counter-balance the porn, which i did today. So I want to say this loud and clear. I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN ADDICTION. I have faith this will be a great turning point for me and my health, thank you for reading this if you have, and god bless.