Introduction from Defapitated

Hello all,

I've just signed up to be a NoFap Fapstronaut as my pornography addiction is getting a little out of hand. I arrived here after watching a very interesting TED talk about porn addiction.

So I'm 28 years old and from the UK. I started watching pornography in my teens like most other guys but it only really became an issue when I arrived at University aged 18. A single room with broadband internet was the beginning of it all. It didn't stop me from having normal relationships but it did absorb a lot of my time and drained my motivation. I met my current fiancee at University and we'll be getting married soon. I want to quit pornography for good as I recognise the negative effects it has on me.

I have tried to stop a few times before. The early efforts were just me stating that I would never do it again. Sort of like the mantra you say to yourself during a heavy hangover. I shortly relapsed after I stopped feeling guilty and that method didn't do me much good. As it got worse I did actually split up with my partner just to pursue more explicit sexual experiences. My porn use then had increased dramatically and I was watching more and more hardcore material. I stopped having sex with my partner and stopped communicating. We broke up. I then tried to pursue outlets that had been shut to me before. I engaged in videochat sexual experiences and tried to set up no strings sex with real-life girls. My first one-night-stand just felt wrong. It felt dirty and although was fun during the moment, the post-coital feelings of shame and worthlessness was not what I wanted. It was good whilst I was getting a fix but not when I sat down and thought about what I wanted from life. It wasn't a real relationship, it wasn't a connection and it was only as good as the experience lasted. There was no good feelings afterwards.

I crawled back to my girlfriend and after some time she accepted me back. I had "grass is greener" syndrome and found out the hard way that the grass grows better in the field that you spend time tending to and cultivating. I am so glad my eyes were opened. I stopped porn for a long time after that. I had an Internet filter and my search history was automatically forwarded to my partner for accountability. This is something I wanted to do. After a year the filter was dropped.

Then over the next few years it gradually came back. I generated excuses for myself to watch a little, which turned in to more and more over time. Now I'm at the stage where I'm spending an hour a day clicking and clicking to find that one video. I'm not as far gone as before, when it was at its worst I was viewing up to 3 hours every day; and still going to work.

I can see that I'm in that downward spiral again and I don't want to go any further. I'm here today to try and stop. My rules are no pornography and no masturbation. I'm still going to have sexual contact with my partner as that's what I want and that's what I feel is an important part of a healthy relationship. I'm going to try the journal and help and support available through these forums.

Any suggestions or advice from anyone is greatly appreciated.

 

Hello NoFapAsian,

Thank you for your kind words. I do get your analogy and I see your point. I should take the positive things I have and use them to help me overcome my negatives. Thanks for your advice about how to tackle the problem. You've boiled it down to its simplest element and it's something I should focus on.

I have failed today though which is disappointing. I'm impressed by your 145 days since last PMO and that's something I want to achieve as well. I'll heed to your advice.