Introduction

Hello everyone. I am an 18 year old male and I have a problem.

I started porn when I was 13 I believe, but can't recall. I started with the basic fap to the classmates(girl) picture and then moved to vanilla porn. I quickly became an addict and picked up many addictions in that time. Parents are divorced since I am 4 and I have been living with my mom. I got it "quite" hard when I was in lover grades because I was the weird guy who did mostly stupid things. I got some bad friends who were older than me (one of them was an "adult" around 32). I messed around with them and one time I stayed at my friend house (the "adult one") and we had some drinks and we moved to bed. Suddenly he said to me this: "What would you say if I s**ked you now?". I tried to stop him but I couldn't and he finished me. I felt very awkward the next day and kind of grew to hate him later on. This started a chain reaction in my life. I could have been around 14 at this time.

I started cross-dressing and watching more and more porn. I wondered upon women with strap-ons and this kind of thing(don't want to trigger nobody so I stop). I didn't really think I was gay or something, I still liked girls and have been exited by them, but I got this fetish and vanilla wasn't enough anymore. That friend then tried to persuade me many times to repeat that night but I wouldn't. One time he offered me money, and since I liked to drink and smoke and whatnot I accepted. We did this a couple of times but I got sick of myself and ended it. Then for a couple of months I stayed only to porn.

After a while normal bdsm wasn't quite doing it and I started to watch sissy porn and hypnos when I was 16. I started to shove things up and other thinks that disgusted me but I found the rush that I was searching for. Of coarse I cross-dressed a couple of times in the meantime. I started to want to get back to that "friend" and maybe ask him if I could finish him once. I started to get all these flashes during the day that I would go and be a prostitute or things like that. I did some of the worst thing in that period. Started to smoke weed, and kind of got depressed, but I couldn't leave the porn, nor the abusive fapping.

I went to a camp organised by a church and there my life got a turnaround. I spoke about these tings with the pastor and he helped me. I could finally be free from porn, nasty desires and the alcohol and drugs that came with this.This was when I was 17. It has been one and a half year since and in the past couple of months I had very vivid flashbacks from the time I was a porn addict. I started to ignore it and convince myself that I am OK. One day tho I went to the bathroom with my phone and felt an urge to watch sissy porn. I tried to fight with it but I just did it and the rest just came by itself. I felt horrible because I thought I dealt with this. And since then I try to wrestle with this but it starts to get more frequent. I don't want to end up where I came from because those were the worst parts of my life. I only mentioned I had this problem to the pastor and he tried to help me but I am too ashamed to tell him the whole story and I can't talk to nobody else.

Most of the time I just search about sissy related topics and in the back of my head hope that I lose control and act out. It was while I searched on 9gag about sissies that I found NoFap and thought it could help me. So this is me, writing this all down.

It helped a lot to write all of it down, though I tried not to describe cause it may trigger some people and as I saw that is to be avoided.

I had a girlfriend while I was still a porn addict but, of course, I didn't tell her. I ended it cause it was harder for her at that point to interest me more than my filthy porn addiction.

I still like girls and men don't excite me only when I get those episodes.