Introduction!

Hiya!

My name is Marsha and I'm a new member.
I'm currently struggling with a form of PA. I'll try to not make this TMI, but I have no idea what's considered TMI...so I apologize in advance.

Let's see...
When I was young I wasn't able to pleasure myself, no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't until I discovered a certain fetish that I was finally able to. I think I was 15 or 16.
It started off harmless enough...it was just a transformation fetish. I'd imagine these scenarios with myself or people (that I created), and there wouldn't even be any nudity involved. It was fun and I'd indulge once in a while.
Over time, though, it became harder and harder to not only become aroused from that, but to also become aroused enough to pleasure myself. I'd have to imagine new scenarios in order to do so.

Eventually I ran out of things to imagine, and my self-pleasuring ground to a halt.
I started searching for it online, to find new things to imagine.
At first it was great. I'd find comics and novels and they'd give me new things to think about.
However...I eventually ran out of the PG stuff. It wasn't long until I had to wade through the XXX stories and comics. I wasn't into porn, so I'd try to skim past the erotic parts and get to the transformation scenes. This worked for a while, until...well...
I don't want to go into any details, but eventually I ended up reading some pretty intense/dark stuff. And slowly, with time...whenever I'd start imagining, those things would be in my thoughts. It got to the point where I wouldn't be able to arouse myself without imagining those scenarios.

It makes me feel guilty, and I always feel so terrible afterwards.
The problem, though, is that it's hard to break from. I've been doing it since I was very young, and even though it started off relatively innocent, it no longer is. Whenever I imagine that stuff it's essentially just porn. And I don't want to do that anymore. I'd rather never fap again, than imagine those things.

I don't read or look up anything anymore, but I still struggle with my imagination. It doesn't help that I've used it to get to sleep a lot of times...I'm trying, though. I failed to resist it yesterday, but I'm going to try even harder from now on. I hope I'll make it.

Thank you for reading, and have a lovely day. <3