Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by rave756, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. rave756

    rave756 Fapstronaut

    Hello, 39y/ married male, my goal is to 'reboot' my sex life and relationship with my wife.

    I'm on day 9 of a (partially)self-imposed refrain from O. It would have been only 4 days, but I was rejected for sex last weekend. Will try again this weekend. I have been looking at P and probably what would be called 'edging'. Now reading this site, maybe that hasn't been the most productive idea.

    Our sex life started now a negative spiral years ago. Due to various life stresses, sex became infrequent. As my wife lost interest, my PE increased, and I turned to PMO for more satisfactory (longer) sessions. As sex became basically nothing but a chore for her, I was admonished if I 'took too long', and encouraged and rewarded for finishing as fast as possible. So I've abstained from the O (but not the PM) the week leading up to when a possible sex night with faster PE's being the result. After that, it's PMO almost daily for a different experience until I work up the nerve to ask for sex again.

    My hope in nofap is that if I can approach sex more confidently, my wife will enjoy it and be open to more frequent occasions. By focusing on being satisfied with that, i will try to avoid turning to PMO in between/instead of sex.
  2. Very clear set of goals. I like it. It sounds like you have a set of different issues at hand:
    • You want sex more than your wife
    • You ENJOY sex more than your wife
    • There are multiple life stresses that are (presumably) still getting in the way of enjoyable sex for both of you
    • There's an element of physical and emotional rejection when your wife denies you sex
    • You've turned to P to satisfy your urges in a more short-term need but with possible long-term consequences
    • P and PMO does not fix the sexually distant relationship you have with your wife, and the more P you use, the longer it's going to take to address the root problem, both for you and for her
    So, there's a lot for you to work on. But you're not going to be able to tackle these deeper issues until you get the P out of the way.
    rave756 likes this.
  3. Another principle to consider is Love Languages. Everyone has a Love Language, maybe two, that really speak to their heart. Maybe you're not speaking your wife's Love Language, and she doesn't know how to speak yours.
    Shady1 likes this.
  4. rave756

    rave756 Fapstronaut

    Thanks for responding. You probably hit some nails on the head there. I'm going to look at NoFap as a way to remove a distraction and excuse not to focus on those more important issues.

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