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Introductions, a long rant from someone Who will go 90 days HC

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Michael Svensson, Feb 19, 2017.

  1. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Hello,

    I'm here to join the 90 days program, I've already signed up. My life have been a complete mess for 15 years when it has come to relationships with girls. I have PIED, social anxiety and depression. For so long I thought it was me and I thought PMO was the answer to most of my problems but it couldn't have been further from the truth, it's actually the reason for many of my problems. I think I have in average have had 1 PMO per day the last 15 years. I'm 29 now. I think it was less when I was 14 and more during some periods, the last years its been 1 PMO every day more or less.

    I think most of it started when I was young I got in puberty first in my class and I think I always found everything about it weird. People laughed at me when I had an erection etc. I had social anxiety since then and developed low self-esteem. I never really thought anyone could love me to be honest. I was in love with some girls but I always had this paralyzing fear to tell them. I did tell some of them but I always got rejected. Maybe that social anxiety that I got from PMO at that young age really destroyed my life, now when I think about it. I've had several crushes and real hopes for great relationships with awesome people but I've blown most of those chances due to social anxiety. Then there are the moment when I had a shot at a relationship or sex I've ruined those with PIED or just the plain fear of it...

    I'm just writing this here because I don't think anyone IRL would actually understand what I'm going through, not that I don't have people to talk to, I just don't want to talk to anyone who doesn't understand. I think most people think of me as quite successful when it comes to girls because I get alot of attention from girls. Not that I can respond to that attention most of the time. I feel quite weird about being touched and most of the time I step back or shrug it off. I sexualize almost everything about girls. I've had penetrative sex with girls but it's just not doing it for me since im so used to the death grip. I have to struggle to keep an erection even when I feel extremly aroused. I'm quite successful in life otherwise I have everything I want except a partner, someone to share my life with.

    I stopped 3 days ago and I will go the 90 days, HC. I have felt physically ill so far. Stomauch pains. On the plus side I'm not depressed and have alot of energy. Everything is clearer and I am more focused. Maybe its just my imagination but it feels great. I stopped with sugar, I've had a sugar addiction too. Maybe because I've had 0 Willpower the last years. I know I'm a person with extraordinary willpower it's just vanished with time. I have binched on anything the last years. Games, Tv-shows, Porn, Sugar or just food. And when I say binched I mean like playing computer games for 16 hours or watching a season in a row. Sometimes I've skipped sleep for just binching whatever.

    I think this was the turning point, the first one really opened my mind up. Watch it... the other two I think can be connected with the first if you think for a bit.



    If you watched the three videos above you would really understand this, the instant gratification monkey was ruling my life together with the panic monster. I basically had no control over my own life. Mostly I reacted to events out of Anxiety or Fear and thats no way to live a life. I want to write a book with my spare time, invent roleplaying systems or paint oil paintings. I think there is so much more in life than just binching on porn because I think that was and always will be my main problem. I think it makes me more or less a zombie because I feel so fucking content for that hour and after I feel content until its time the next day for the next. But even tho I'm content I knew that something was seriously wrong with my life. Partners have even asked me point blank if I'am homosexual but I know I aint, I even believed it for a while. I've tried to convince girls that I actually were into them and aroused it just didn't work and I didn't know at the time....

    I think I've hurt alot of partners too, since most of them thought it was them and not me even if I said it was my fault. Many of them felt that they weren't sexy enough or felt shame because I wasen't attracted to them. I thought for so long that masturbation held my sexuality ready for action, but that too couldn't have been further from the truth.... I've thought for so long that it was healthy and a positive thing. The PMO have all been 10-60 minutes of great pleasure. For many years during the more difficult years I masturbated so I could sleep. During those years I don't think I could sleep without it. During depressions I masturbated out of them but they soon came back again and again. Recurring atleast twice each year, sometimes so hard I haven't been able to work or study. I have been to a psychatrist but it wasen't for me or maybe it wasen't the right person it just wasen't any good.

    I have an high end job and a good education. I've almost didn't finish my education due to depression but I made it. Since I've binched and watched all american, japanease series there is atleast I've been cheap as hell so I bought myself an appartment 1.5 years back. I've lost alot of friends due to the recurring depressions most just give up on me since I don't message back during those times. And I look at girls chests and behinds even if I don't want to, I sometimes do it without thinking. The thing is I don't even want to do it, the eyes are just there doing it anyway. I space out alot when people are talking to me and sometimes I just wake up looking at one of the three places you shouldn't. I'm ashamed and a mess. I think most people don't perceive me as anything other than chauvinistic pig that objectifies girls but that that aint true either.

    I'm truely committed and will do anything to stop. I know it hurts myself and people around me. It's time to take control and to take responsiblity. I live only once and I want to make more of it.

    P.S. I really like the noFap app it's great, I use it all the time.
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2017
  2. brad23

    brad23 Fapstronaut

    I think we share similar life story as far as the addiction goes.
    I am challenging myself for 90 days to start with. Feb, march and April to start with, Although i want to go PMO free for ever. I wont consider real sex with a loved one as a slip/flake. Coz I am dating and would be in a relationship soon.
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.
  3. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Welcome to NoFap where you are amongst friends who are here to encourage you and not judge you.

    What are your current strategies for combating the enemy called PMO
     
  4. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Do you think its possible with this addiction to be in a relationship? I think one of the main reasons im reporting is because get a Health relationship.
     
  5. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    1 No sugar
    2 exercise
    3 NoFap app for emergencies
    4 self improvement videos.
    5 always wearing clothes when I can
    6 Willpower, I just have been through to much not to finish this. I'm going to put up posters on my walls with motivation.
     
    Renniez Khan, D . J . and brad23 like this.
  6. brad23

    brad23 Fapstronaut

    You asked a very important question !!
    The answer is I don;t know. As of now I would like to think of me as a flawless human. I don't want to stigmatize/Tag myself. Then I have no hope or reason to grow out it. Somewhere deep down I feel that, being in a relationship would be an additional aid to my recovery. But lets see, I could be wrong.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
  7. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    I think this recovery is the most important thing atm. For me I see relationships as something that can be either good or bad. But for it to be good, it needs to be supportive. Then you also need to be honest and open about all of this. That would affect your relationship. To put it frankly your taking a risk. But you feel its right for you. TRUST YOUR GUT, GO FOR IT. Dont doubt it if it feels right, you GUT is your superpower. You get to say things like I quit porn for you Babe. But be mindful of the dark force if it goes bad in any way.

    Maybe I have been thinking about this wrong. Why not date someone. If they dont understand they are probably not what your looking for anyway.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2017
    brad23 likes this.
  8. brad23

    brad23 Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I feel so too, recovery comes first..."the fundamental" !! Reason I think so is....I have been avoiding being in a relationship since my early 20's, out of fear of responsibility or what ever. I tried to be a celibate for some period of my life. I was in a Ashram in India learning Yoga and Meditation etc.. This was very tough but beautiful period of my life. Taking care of the Cow's, Working in the Gardens, singing Bhajan's every evening etc.. But I was asked to go back to normal life. To be frank I have never had a relationship in my life. Many rejections, misunderstood relationship etc... but non clicked. This could be the reason why I think relationship could be an asset. Bcoz I have been deprived of it for a long time. I will be open about myself to the potential partner if I am asked for....not otherwise
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.
  9. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    Hi, Michael. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I also have depression, social-anxiety, low self-esteem and it moved me when I read this part - ''I never really thought anyone could love me to be honest'' wow, this resonates exactly with how I felt at that age and still feel today. Perhaps that is why we have such low self-esteem and social-anxiety to begin with, I don't think it is just the PMO itself because I felt that way before PMO was a part of my life. I've made a lot progress in this area myself and realized something important, something that was missing in me, and that was self-love. Self-love is the key. You feel like no one loves you, you feel unlovable, and that's because you don't love yourself and it doesn't have anything to do with anyone outside of you. Mostly what we feel is a reflection of something that is going on inside of us, how we feel about ourselves. And how we feel about ourselves, or the lack of, often becomes a projection onto others and leads to relationship problems.

    I'll leave this with you to ponder. All the best.
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.
  10. Renniez Khan

    Renniez Khan Fapstronaut

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    Lets do this buddy!!! I m in for 90 days too !
    Remember two words that ll help you : DISCIPLINE and CONSISTENCY :)
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.
  11. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Dont let your hunger for connection drive you to connect and hide parts of your life, it only adds shame to those secrets. You cant carpool and hide the fact that the motor of the car is broken. Your right that it shouldn't define who you are but its a part of your life like it or not. But you are struggling with addiction, you should be open about that.
     
    Renniez Khan likes this.
  12. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your reply, it really means alot to me! I have been feeling shit about myself. Ill try to love myself more, but I don't think thats possible if I dont start to do more of the things I want out of life and less of the destructive things. I feel like im on a Journey to a new life to meet the person I actually want to be. Its exciting, liberating and I feel this strange lasting unknown feeling of inner peace.
     
    JamesWarrior and kudaliar like this.
  13. brad23

    brad23 Fapstronaut

    Yeah sure brov, thanks for your valuable thoughts. I will mind them.
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.
  14. JamesWarrior

    JamesWarrior Fapstronaut

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    You've taken the right step towards self-love just by being here. You see, we do care about ourselves, we do want better things for ourselves, or we wouldn't be here, we wouldn't be trying to help ourselves. When you make this a habit, of doing good things for yourself, yes, it does build self-love and self-respect. It is definitely a journey, I wish you all the best on this rebirthing process - and remember, you're not alone here. PM me any time.
     
    Michael Svensson and brad23 like this.
  15. D . J .

    D . J . Fapstronaut

    Check out In Case You Didn't Know for additional strategies and tips to help you along your journey.
     
    Michael Svensson and brad23 like this.
  16. Michael Svensson

    Michael Svensson Fapstronaut

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    Whatever you do I wish for you to succeed!
    Thanks you can PM me any time too, ill do my best to come with helpful advice.
     
    brad23 and JamesWarrior like this.
  17. brad23

    brad23 Fapstronaut

    All the best to to you too !! I am following you...so that I get your progress and pitfalls if any(I don;t think you would have one)
     
    Michael Svensson likes this.

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