I've made one post about this before, but after that, it became somewhat better for a while then it escalated again. I think it's safe to say that this year has been rough for all of us, but for me its been a bit traumatic. I'm a frontline worker and when the virus was really bad in my state all my mental energy went towards work, school, and survival. I still PMOd during this time and didn't think much of it. I was actually obsessed with a girl in my class which is why none of this makes sense to me. Around June I contracted symptoms of COVID and had to self-isolate in my room since I'm the only physically well person in my house. My mom, dad, and my sister both are at a high risk of dying or being seriously incapacitated by the disease. If you've read the Metamorphosis by Kafka it was basically like that. I spent 100% of my time on my computer and would pmo 4+ times a day, sometimes within the same hour. Fortunately it wasn't Covid that I contracted just a "chest infection" and eventually I physically healed from it, but I think it left me mentally damaged. The pmo use continued after I healed and eventually it escalated to tranny porn to now gay porn. The longest Ive gone without it is 5 days. The problem is I always get this strong urge, it feels like my mind is flipping a switch and suddenly I want to watch porn and no matter how many times I say no in my mind I still do it. It feels impulsive. I do have OCD tendencies so this makes sense. The problem is this is highly stressful. I've known my whole life I've been straight, I've been obsessed with girls emotionally and physically. I have never felt this way towards men. When I pmo to gay porn it almost feels like a release, there is nothing emotional about it. I've tried to let these thoughts exist in my head and I've tried to let them flow through, but nothing seems to work. I sometimes get intrusive thoughts that I'm developing feelings for my friends when I'm not, and these usually the easier ones to dismiss. It doesn't help that the healthcare field is primarily made of women (which I don't mind) and flamboyant homosexuals, who while I have nothing against their behavior, it frightens me. I feel like I give off gay signals and they can sense that. I know consciously this just paranoia and my homophobia playing tricks on me, but it is distressing all the same. When I'm intoxicated my true sexuality seemingly returns and I get cravings for women. These cravings tend to come later in the night so I'm going to try going to bed earlier to see if that helps. I almost miss when the virus was really bad. Because during that time I didn't occupy my head with my demons. I didn't have time or energy to deal with them. All I was concerned with survival and making sure the people I was taking care of survived, but now I have all the time in the world and my demons taking up space without paying, and I can't evict them. What have you people done to get rid of these thoughts or cope with them? I myself know that I would have no problem being gay or bi, but I just can't accept it, it doesn't feel natural to me. There's nothing in the world I want more than to be free of mind and confident in who I truly am, like I was before the virus.