Intrusive thoughts and cravings

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Damaged_Stoic, Aug 2, 2020.

  1. Damaged_Stoic

    Damaged_Stoic Fapstronaut

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    I've made one post about this before, but after that, it became somewhat better for a while then it escalated again.

    I think it's safe to say that this year has been rough for all of us, but for me its been a bit traumatic. I'm a frontline worker and when the virus was really bad in my state all my mental energy went towards work, school, and survival. I still PMOd during this time and didn't think much of it. I was actually obsessed with a girl in my class which is why none of this makes sense to me.

    Around June I contracted symptoms of COVID and had to self-isolate in my room since I'm the only physically well person in my house. My mom, dad, and my sister both are at a high risk of dying or being seriously incapacitated by the disease. If you've read the Metamorphosis by Kafka it was basically like that. I spent 100% of my time on my computer and would pmo 4+ times a day, sometimes within the same hour. Fortunately it wasn't Covid that I contracted just a "chest infection" and eventually I physically healed from it, but I think it left me mentally damaged. The pmo use continued after I healed and eventually it escalated to tranny porn to now gay porn. The longest Ive gone without it is 5 days. The problem is I always get this strong urge, it feels like my mind is flipping a switch and suddenly I want to watch porn and no matter how many times I say no in my mind I still do it. It feels impulsive. I do have OCD tendencies so this makes sense.

    The problem is this is highly stressful. I've known my whole life I've been straight, I've been obsessed with girls emotionally and physically. I have never felt this way towards men. When I pmo to gay porn it almost feels like a release, there is nothing emotional about it.

    I've tried to let these thoughts exist in my head and I've tried to let them flow through, but nothing seems to work. I sometimes get intrusive thoughts that I'm developing feelings for my friends when I'm not, and these usually the easier ones to dismiss.

    It doesn't help that the healthcare field is primarily made of women (which I don't mind) and flamboyant homosexuals, who while I have nothing against their behavior, it frightens me. I feel like I give off gay signals and they can sense that. I know consciously this just paranoia and my homophobia playing tricks on me, but it is distressing all the same.

    When I'm intoxicated my true sexuality seemingly returns and I get cravings for women.

    These cravings tend to come later in the night so I'm going to try going to bed earlier to see if that helps.

    I almost miss when the virus was really bad. Because during that time I didn't occupy my head with my demons. I didn't have time or energy to deal with them. All I was concerned with survival and making sure the people I was taking care of survived, but now I have all the time in the world and my demons taking up space without paying, and I can't evict them.

    What have you people done to get rid of these thoughts or cope with them? I myself know that I would have no problem being gay or bi, but I just can't accept it, it doesn't feel natural to me.

    There's nothing in the world I want more than to be free of mind and confident in who I truly am, like I was before the virus.
     
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  2. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

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    I've had/have similar problems, honestly the more time you spend clean of PMO the less "kick" those thoughts and urges have. You really just have to keep trying and learning from your relapses.
     
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  3. Hadrian3

    Hadrian3 Fapstronaut

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    I suggest you visit a therapist and talk to him.
    Not that this is a big deal, Surely you'll be fine sooner or later anyway. But sometimes we just torment ourselves for trivial things, without any logical reason and can't prevent it without help.
     
  4. Trust me, if you are addicted to porn, they can get your aroused to anything they want. They can release something as weird as doorknob fetish and people will get addicted to it because they are addicted to porn. Now obviously this doesn't mean people are born with kinks for doorknobs, ofc not. Genre to genre as you progress, you start getting off to worse and worse. Losing is fine, but being fine with losing is not. You need to keep trying to succeed over this thing. Man, I ended up on cuckold porn. I was addicted to it. Trust me, I was ridiculously opposite of cuckold mentality in reality. I wouldn't even enjoy anyone hitting on my girlfriend. You see the common trend here, porn targets insecurities. First it creates them in you, by fucking your mental state. Then it uses those insecurities to sell their content. It's business man. A very well planned fucking business. They don't care about our happiness or our mental state. They just wanna earn money out of it. Those girls acting in those movies do it for money. The cucks acting in those movies do it for money. The guys acting in gay porn do it for money. You have no fucking clue they might not even be gay or cucks in reality. All this is a big fucking industry made out of insecurities. Now that I have told you the entire plot, tell me, do you think it's worth questioning your sexuality over this fking well planned business?
     
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  5. Damaged_Stoic

    Damaged_Stoic Fapstronaut

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    No it isn't, but you're right. This isn't the first time I've dealt with this, but every other time it subsides it was on weak soil. I wanna do it true this time.

    I've also been addicted to cuck porn, and in real life I would never let someone else fuck my girl let alone flirt with her. So I definitely see where you're coming from.
     
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  6. Wow, well said!
     
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  7. mr.incognito

    mr.incognito Fapstronaut

    If you masturbate to gay porn you are gay, or some variant of LGBTQ. It happens because you have suppressed that part of your sexuality. You are afraid to express it in real life, so you do it behind closed doors where you feel safe. Porn can't bring anything out of you that wasn't there to begin with.
     
  8. mr.incognito

    mr.incognito Fapstronaut

    If porn has that much control of you, how much more control do you think regular media has over you? Advertisements use way more sophisticated methods than porn, and you think you aren't controlled by that? How much control does culture, society, peers have over you? A lot more than porn or even advertising.
     
  9. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    If you ENJOY masturbating to gay porn you may be lgb but if it’s just part of the escalation process that porn addiction causes through desensitisation then OP is most definitely not gay.

    A drug addict needs life threatening levels of a drug to feel what he once felt from day one. In this case, gay porn or any porn that one does not relate or enjoy, is that life threatening level of the drug. You don’t enjoy it, and upon finishing you’re heavily disgusted, but you do it anyway because you’re desensitised to everything else and your addiction needs a new extreme and shocking drug hit.

    It’s safe to say that no one is suppressing anything, (unless they truely enjoy it, or have started out with this material and it seems natural to them). This is a known issue and is easily cured by avoiding porn and denying the addiction it’s reinforcement.
     
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  10. Damaged_Stoic

    Damaged_Stoic Fapstronaut

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    Not gay. Never been. The very thought of being emotionally intimate with a male is unappealing. If I felt this way I would’ve known since I was a child. Which is not the case.

    Intrusive thoughts come in many form. I have dealt with it my whole life with various themes and various physical manifestations (Anxiety disorders do that)

    To sum up. I know I’m not gay and when I'm done I’m disgusted.
     
    iwontfail67 likes this.
  11. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    It’s all the porn addiction looking for its next extreme hit. You definitely are not gay. You’re probably just conditioned to respond to extreme and dirty pornographic cues. This all goes away after quitting porn, but can be reactivated with any slip up, so make sure you don’t relapse. Try and get out of the ocd cycle as well, whether that is focusing on triggers or compulsively feeding the anxiety with the various cycles that you go through. Notice that everything is a cycle.

    You’ll feel good and confident in yourself and then the ocd will flash something you know isn’t real and you’ll start dwelling over it. Break that cycle as quick as possible. I’m at the end of my hocd and I’m almost completely cured, but I’m still making the mistake of focusing on irrational shit a bit too much from time to time. Keep a clear mind and don’t allow your ocd or anxiety to rationalise itself. You can control the spikes in your mind but you can control how you react to them.
     
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  12. mr.incognito

    mr.incognito Fapstronaut

    Sounds like suppression to me. Most of the men with this problem are also religious, that creates psychological conflict, because they oppose homosexuality. You may or may not be religious. You said that the problem is highly stressful - Why? If you didn't have a problem with homosexuality you wouldn't feel stressed. You have a problem with this one genre, but previous genres you were into didn't stress you, that doesn't make sense. And you have struggled with intrusive thoughts your whole life, then obviously porn didn't cause the problem. As for feeling disgusted, even sane straight men feel disgusted with themselves after they finish fapping to straight porn, or any female imagery, or imagined situations, and realize what failures they are; or, do you feel proud after you finish fapping to straight porn?
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2020
  13. Damaged_Stoic

    Damaged_Stoic Fapstronaut

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    Bro. I know you’re trying to help, but im not gay. Its not supression, I’m not religious and I don’t hate gays either. The reason why it’s highly stressful is because i know im straight yet my porn use has escalated to something I don’t feel attracted too. It was the same when I watched Hetero BDSM or jacked off to a teacher who was extremely unnattractive yet it provided the novelty I was looking for.

    These intrusive thoughts are often brought on by triggers like seeing a violent movie then thinking you’re a sociopath or in my case the porn.

    If I was guy or bi or anything else. I would have figured that in my adolescence or childhood. Yet when I was a child I was always attracted to my female classmates, same as when I was a teen. Never males.

    I’m not going to debate my sexuality with you because I know who I am and you don’t.
     
  14. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    He’s not trying to help, just ignore him. If he was trying to help he wouldn’t be stupid enough to say that this is suppression, since the issue is widely known in the Nofap community and has a clear solution.
    Please don’t spread unjustified opinions when you don’t understand anything about what OP is actually feeling. If anything he’s “suppressing” his extreme porn addiction, not his real desires. Does that mean he’s supposed to embrace his addiction and continue watching extreme porn while genuinely hating himself for it? That sounds pretty dumb to me.
     
  15. mr.incognito

    mr.incognito Fapstronaut

    The idea of porn switching people's sexual orientation while watching porn - or even into the rest of one's sex life - isn't supported by everyone in the nofap community, and mainstream psychology doesn't acknowledge it as real either- not that I care. I can give my opinion on the topic because I am a former fapper and I never experienced this phenomenon of escalation where porn causes a switch in sexual orientation to the porn being watched, or into things that I'm not sexually aroused by. I have watched some disgusting porn over ten years ago, although not gay porn, out of curiosity, but because I felt disgusted by it I stopped watching it. I believe other issues are at work here, that the porn merely revealed rather than created, he did say that he had compulsive behaviours his entire life, so it would be there even without the porn. You here, those who believe this hypothesis, are actually trying to speak on my behalf by describing the nature of a masturbator as someone who is so easily manipulated by the power of porn that they can be trained to be aroused by a doorknob - to quote another post - I don't want to be included in such a group, it's degrading. And I don't think it's porn that's the problem, as some believe, it's actually masturbation that's the problem, porn has no power without it.
     
  16. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    The idea about the doorknob is correct in a sense that in theory that can happen.

    But to say that porn doesn’t create and merely reveals things that were already in someone is extremely off the mark as you aren’t taking into account all of the factors as to why someone would be watching this crap.

    You’re just assuming that if they’re watching it they must secretly like it, and are suppressing their true desires, which is probably exactly what the current state of society wants you to think with it’s political views.

    But you have to take into consideration that maybe people are forcing themselves to watch this extreme genres of porn as a form of punishment. Many porn addicts have an inferiority complex and guys who feel low self esteem and low masculinity levels might force degradation upon themselves with gay porn as a way to solidify their personal feelings of inferiority. These people are so far into the addiction that they’ve paired negative feelings with sexual arousal to create some sick and ultimately destructive dopamine rush.

    That’s why pretty much every single person who goes through this porn escalation stuff really means it when they say they hate what they are watching, and are most definitely not suppressing their true desires. Why would anyone suppress a destructive and degrading lifestyle?
     
  17. mr.incognito

    mr.incognito Fapstronaut

    That is your opinion. However, there are too many people, like me, who have not "escalated" into gay porn. Interestingly, I've actually never heard of a gay guy "escalating" into straight porn.

    Contemporary society's view is that all straight men are gay, at least a little bit. So when you guys start arguing that porn can train you to get off to gay porn you are actually agreeing with their views. You take their views even farther by arguing that one can be trained to be aroused by a doorknob. You unintentionally argue that sexuality is fluid, which is what they say it is. I disagree with both of you.

    This isn't a problem caused by porn but something deeper that would be there even without porn. As I have said the porn lets you express what is already there. I don't have any answers for your specific problem as I have not experienced it. Normal straight men masturbate to porn to simulate sex, they use it as a substitute for the real thing, and we feel like crap when we finish just the same, so I don't buy it when someone says "I feel like crap after I masturbate to gay porn therefore I'm not gay."

    Even "normal" porn and "normal" masturbation are worthless.
     
  18. iwontfail67

    iwontfail67 Fapstronaut

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    I don’t think sexuality is fluid at all so I don’t think we disagree, I just think you’ve misunderstood what I’m trying to say.

    I’m not going to argue with you because I don’t actually care to change your mind because I know I’m right. Good for you that you never escalated to extreme porn and I hope you quit before that happens. But for the sake of everyone else who would actually take your comment seriously, don’t spread shit that they are suppressing themselves when you don’t understand an ounce of what porn addiction can do to a person.

    Educate yourself before you spread definitive crap to make yourself feel better about yourself. Cheers.
     
  19. SUPERJO

    SUPERJO Fapstronaut

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    Be strong bro, It is your preference and no f#*king industry can change that. Spend watching videos on women, respect women ,stories of porn addict ,jokes,Christian or other religious definition of love, relation ,marriage etc. on Youtube .
     
  20. APoster661

    APoster661 New Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I was just like you - all the covid stuff. I think you should look into HOCD, really read up on it, it's a lot more common than you'd think. It's hell. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. And I'd hate to see you go how I did mentally. It's awful.

    Please for your sanity , start a streak now and get to at least a week and build up to those 3 months. (I managed 2 months and felt amazing and my old self again.) I had a journey of two years of mental agony with HOCD and this awful addiction so please start now and stick to it. Don't be like me , it took me two years to get to those 2 months because I wasn't mentally strong enough. So do what's best for you now rather than two years later and start that streak and get on the path to recovery.
     
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