Invaluable information

Hello my brothers,

Iv been addicted to porn from a young age, I'm 28 now, my transwoman addiction started 5 years ago and i cant at the moment get the same feeling about women as i do from them.

Its the intense rush, it feels like cocaine when i think about them or get triggers but I don't want that, i don't want to be sexually attracted to them, i want a girlfriend who i get that rush from, or a project that I'm interested in and want to peruse.

It started with porn and then i started seeing escorts when i got triggers, convincing myself hey its 2019! everyone's sexually fluid their are no taboos anymore, you only live once and you should have as many different pleasurable experiences as possible as long as you don't hurt anyone, who cares?! And after 6 times i vowed never to do it again, because i feel the utmost shame and self hatred afterward. Its caused me suicidal thoughts, obsessive nasty thoughts, obsessive filthy sexual thoughts my head has been an anxiety ridden painful place to for the past two years, and i planned to commit suicide once after seeing one because i was afraid i got HIV.

I promised myself over and over to stop watching it and obsessing about it, iv gone many times on streaks without orgasm, but it was always the porn that i went back to, longest streak was 9 days after 2 years NoFap.

I'm currently on a 3 week no PMO which is the longest iv ever gone, and it was the help of using a life calendar (google it), self reflection and a few books, the life calendar is a 52 week column across and 80 row down poster of circles, and its how many years you have left to live, i have filled in 28 years worth in red and took me 4 hours! Then i marked the next circle on a Sunday a blue circle and i committed to changing my life, because when you see the time you have wasted, and how much more time you have, it puts things into perspective and you realise you've had enough of feeling bad and can visually see your future and make the decision to stop filling your time with suffering and pain.

Nofap started me journaling, and iv made my own personal self help book i take notes in, and iv also been reading porn addiction books and self therapy books, which after watching many other types of self help videos of gurus on YouTube, real therapy is more beneficial because it gives you the tools to uncover the REASONS why you are addicted.

And after reading this one book on Internal Family Systems, iv become more introspective and i start to ask myself why i feel this way when i get triggered.

I.F.S is an evidence-based approach which assumes individuals possesses a variety of sub-personalities, or “parts,” and attempts to get to know each of these parts better to achieve healing.

I didn't realise it but iv been living as one of my subpersonalities for a long time, or at least they have been a lot stronger than my true self, true self is the kind and loving aspect of you that wants the best for you and looks after you.

The book gives you tools to access the feelings of these parts, and you can start to understand and heal yourself, which has been invaluable to me.

I know its only been 3 weeks but that's two weeks longer iv ever done not watching porn after reading this book. I've come back today to share my insights and offer any new information that can help others. I had a sexual dream last night that triggered me just as i woke up and even just after 3 weeks, The connection and the rush of thinking about escorts and porn has weakened, i feel I'm more in control of myself because now that I don't think myself as being the sex/porn addicted person and i realise its just a subpersonality of mine, and their are reasons why it feels that way, and i had this apophony today after overcoming the urge,

'The reason why I find it so hard to stop watching porn is because i have continuously told myself throughout my life that i have commitment issues (mom leaving as a kid) and i have never or rarely committed to anything substantial and put effort into it so i have become easily addicted to strong dopamine activities and i find it hard to commit to stop,
So in order to stop being addicted, i need to commit to substantial positive actions and choices.'

Iv never had a girlfriend and i always quit things, but also i want to add the transgendered person porn was escalation, and i cemented the addiction by telling myself its taboo and saying im not allowed it, which usually makes people want it more, i can masturbate to that stuff 8-10 times a day and each would be as strong an orgasm, but i struggle to get an erection from a women or orgasm when i have sex with one.

Another apophony was because of my childhood belief's about myself from family, i came to realise false belief's that i wasn't worth being around, so i push people away and the strong effects of porn and no strings attached sex became a substitute, and made me feel good, which, is one of my parts that needs to be continuously healed through the book I'm still reading.

So instead of white knuckling your way through nofap try to understand yourself and find the reasons for your behaviour, you will find you become better equipped at defeating your addiction.