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Is anyone else struggling to deal with 'imperfection' in themselves and their partners?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Breadysteady, Aug 30, 2015.

  1. Breadysteady

    Breadysteady Fapstronaut

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    Hey there.
    I'm only a 5 day old Fapstronaut, so please excuse if I've missed this issue somewhere else on the forums.

    I imagine, one of the things we PMO addicts have come to expect from sex is a certain level of 'perfection', right? I put perfection in parenthesis because I realise that the notion is entirely relative. Some people are attracted to curves, some like skinny, some like blond, some brunette and so on...

    I guess what we find in porn is some kind of perfect version of the thing/s we like. Most of this is based on physical attributes, but there can also be behavioral and personality qualities that we get a kick from when we watch porn. This quest for perfection is, I think, incredibly detrimental to our real life sex lives, our real life partners and to ourselves. It's something that I'm struggling to let go of during this process so far.

    How do we rise above the pettiness of placing so much importance on whether say our partner doesn't do things quite right, or has a bit too much cellulite, or that I feel that I myself don't have the perfect body or endowment? How do I get to a place where I look at my wife's body or my own body and enjoy it for what it is rather than think, oh I wish I/she was a bit more like ... ? Or wish I was better at this or that my wife did more of this? How do I learn to work with what we have and love it and enjoy it without feeling disappointed that it isn't 'perfect'?

    If anyone would like to respond to this please feel free, although I'd prefer to hear from those who have partners.
     
    lyad3618 likes this.
  2. lyad3618

    lyad3618 Fapstronaut

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    Hello 'Breadysteady'

    What you have described is exactly the byproduct of watching pornography: a false sense of perfection against which we compare our partners. 'Perfect' looks and sexual
    behavior that over the course of our exposure become normal and acceptable to us. Anything other than that is boring, less than. What we forget is perhaps the most
    important aspect of the interaction with our partners: Love and intimacy, of which sex is part, but not all of it. The caressing, the touching, the feeling our partners, making them feel loved and appreciated for 'who' they are, not 'what' they are. That element is precisely what is missing in watching porn, because porn is about US, and only US
    and how we become satisfied in a 'warped' way, because sexuality is not like what we see in PORN. The compulsion that develops from the massive rush of chemicals through our brain is that makes us believe it so, because it makes it our reality, we crave it, we want more of it, we can't have enough of it, and hence why the escalation of PMO happens. What excited us (the amount of dopamine and other chemicals released) yesterday no longer does today, so we seek
    more and more excitement, which releases more chemicals, and the cycle continues.

    That is the downward spiral that enslaves us. After such a rush, we will NEVER see our partners up to the task, because our minds and sense of sexuality are forever
    disturbed, until we STOP and begin to reclaim our brain from it.

    The other consequence of our PMO addiction is reduced performance with our partners, for many if not all of us, and that is erectile dysfunction, something that is
    only mental because we are very 'active' when watching porn. Why? our brains became reprogrammed to function sexually ONLY through PMO. But that can change
    and be reversed over time.

    I recommend the following website for more information: http://www.fightthenewdrug.org/

    Our fight, our counter attack MUST begin with knowledge. We MUST know our ENEMY, what makes it tick, and then adopt strategies to attack it. Willpower alone
    DOES NOT work, this PMO has a life of its own, it has made our OWN brains it's home, and it will WAIT US OUT, until we buckle and go back for more. Urges, stressful situations, isolation, anger, etc. To PMO I say "there is an eviction notice coming and soon, pack your bags full of memories, unhealthy habits and filth, because you are vacating the premises'.

    Welcome aboard.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2015
    seventyniner likes this.
  3. Breadysteady

    Breadysteady Fapstronaut

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    Hi Lyad3618

    What an inspiring response! Exactly what I wanted and needed to hear.

    It is this addiction to a false sense of perfection which is one of the many things that tempts me back to PMO. Reading your perspective on this matter, really helps to put PMO 'perfection' and real life 'imperfection' into perspective.

    Something that occurred to me while reading your description of the chemical rush of PMO, is the following. For a while now I've been practicing something that I developed myself (which most likely I picked up subconsciously from somewhere else). I call it simply the inner smile. Whenever I feel things are getting tough - like the urges, stressful situations, isolation and anger you mentioned above - I try to remember to smile inside and give myself a little love.

    I forgot how powerful this little bit of positive energy can be and how it can change my perspective even just a little. It's like a miniature, much more subtle version of the big rush of dopamine PMO gives me. Thank you for reminding me of how important the chemical component to all of this is. And thank you for all your other words. I will go check out the link you sent me.

    Bready
     
  4. lyad3618

    lyad3618 Fapstronaut

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    Fight on my friend. You are NOT alone in this struggle, and that is a tremendous source of encouragement, not because we are happy others suffer the
    consequences of PMO, but that what we feel is not foreign to others and that together we can achieve so much more by not judging, but helping each
    other. NO TOLERANCE/ It begins there.

    Cheers.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2015
  5. CountryDude

    CountryDude Fapstronaut

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    Society is very much affected by popular body image and fashion. We are mostly brainwashed. But those who watch P are worse.
     
  6. Pureheart

    Pureheart Fapstronaut

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    Perfection is only ever delusion.
    The degree of perfection refers to someone´s satisfaction with something.
    Never reaching perfection is equivalent with never being satisfied which probably results in unhappiness.
    What is objectively imperfect can subjectively be perfect.
    You can see yourself as perfect, even with flaws, because a perfect human is never a flawless human, because being flawless means ceasing to be human.
    Kind of philosophical, I know.
     
  7. CountryDude

    CountryDude Fapstronaut

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    I think it is about wanting something different (novelty).

    I certainly do not know what a perfect female body type looks like, but when you get too used to your wife's body, it can happen that you find that to be imperfect and view a different type as perfect.

    A good example is when I arrived in Asia for the first time. I loved the skinny/petite girls because in the west I had never experienced that. Now, I simply can't stand it. I view it as flat, straight, narrow, and boyish. Now, my image of the perfect feminine body is a chubby curvy full figure, even plump. But if I had that, I wonder how long it would last before I would be looking at the skinny ladies again.

    I would be very surprised if anyone's image of perfection remains the same throughout their life, especially as their experiences change.
     

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