Is attraction okay?

I'm wondering if there are any gurus out there who can offer insight on attraction.

I'm in a relationship and have been throughout my recovery, which has now been just over a year. Because of my past relationship to sex and attraction, my partner is still very hurt. I've been free of porn for over a year, but there's still so much healing that needs to happen.

My question is this: is it possible, and healthy, to be attracted only to my partner from here on in? To most people this probably sounds like wishful thinking. But if there are any of you who have been able to come through this with a level of commitment to their partners that renders all other women incapable of attracting your attention, please, do tell.

I don't go through life gawking at women, or fantasizing about them. In fact, I avoid looking at them altogether, which in itself may be unhealthy. But there are still times when I experience attraction. I would rather not. I don't choose it. I don't act on it, in my mind or in my behavior. But it happens. And it's so minor compared to how I feel for my partner, but the fact that it exists, or even that I'm afraid of it existing, continues to disrupt our relationship.

I've been exploring what attraction means and what its purpose is on a spiritual level. My idealistic side says that once I find my partner all other women should have no pull on me whatsoever. I know that most would say this is unrealistic and maybe unhealthy. Most would say, "you're a man. It's completely natural to feel attracted to women. If you weren't, then you wouldn't be attracted to your partner." I get that perspective, and maybe it's true, but if anyone has anything different to offer, I would greatly appreciate it. I think that my relationship rides on resolving this question.

Thanks,

-C

 

Thank you both,

I do want to be able to look at it when it comes up, without judgement or attachment. I do believe that things come up to be healed. If attraction comes up, I believe that there is either a perception that needs to be healed about attraction, or what attraction means, or that it indicates my longing for the divine. I wonder how I'm meant to experience beauty in this form, when for so long it has involved feelings of lust and shame. What is the healthy response to beauty?

I read through most of Deida's book and always intended on picking it up again. Thanks for the reminder.

Meditating on my partner and the love I have for her is, I think, a big part of the answer. Whatever resists, persists. So I don't want to put all this energy into avoiding attraction to other women. Rather, I want to pour my energy into fostering my relationship to her.

Thanks again,

C

 

Thanks again H,

In answer to your last question, I began the process of recovery on January 12, 2014 (01/12/14). I've had zero relapses in that time. Some might consider that really encouraging -- that it's possible to change. Others might consider that really discouraging -- that even after changing there is still so much work to be done.

I have a very close friend. I meet with him most weeks. We talk about everything from feelings, to dreams, to relationships, to porn. He had been in recovery for about a year before me and had never reached 90 days. There's so much attention placed on the 90 day mark that we think it will be the day that everything gets easy. When he finally did reach 90 days, he felt incredibly discouraged. He had made it to 90 days, and yet he still had shit in his life to deal with. Of course this is obvious, but I think we can very easily begin to blame everything on our problem with porn. But then, when you take porn out of the equation and life is still challenging we feel discouraged.

So, after a year, I still experience shame, which I understand as the belief that I am undeserving of love. I responded to the feeling in the past with porn, and with other isolating behaviors. Now, I'm no longer responding to feelings of shame with these unhealthy behaviors, which is good, but I still have to untangle myself from the lie.

The truth is that I do deserve love. I was made for love. I was made to love myself and I was made to receive love from my partner. This is what I believe. However, there are still these deeply hidden parts of me that are caught up in the lie that I don't deserve it. Those parts of me almost feel opposed to my relationship and to the ways that I want to care for myself. I could pretend that these parts of me don't exist and they will grow and get up to all kinds of secret mischief. I could try destroying them and end up further injuring a part of myself. Or, I could look at them with compassion and try to heal them, to teach them the truth that even those parts of myself most afraid of love, are meant to be loved.

In regards to the original thought of this thread, today was a good day. I meditated on my partner periodically throughout the day. I thought of her not with fear but with love. I imagined her as pure, white light. I kept returning to this image. As much as I am capable of straying from the truth that I am, in essence, love, I know that she is too. I need to remember that even when she is angry, or hurt, or jealous, or mistrusting, that I don't need to take on her fear, and also, that beneath all of her shadows, she is still that pure, perfect white light. We are not our fears. Our fears are clouds of shadow that obscure our vision, but they never change who we really are.

This, by Pablo Neruda:

If each day falls
inside each night
there exists a well
where clarity is imprisoned.

We need to sit
on the rim
of the well of darkness
and fish for fallen light
with patience.

Also, thanks for the friend request. I'd love to keep the dialogue going with you. If ever you find yourself in the heart of the country, let me know. I'd be glad to grab a coffee.