Is it ok? need male perspective

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Realitycheck, Jul 29, 2019.

  1. Realitycheck

    Realitycheck Fapstronaut

    So to state I am the SO of someone with PMO.
    First few months sex was amazing but then slowly ED started to get worse.
    After coming across NoFap he’s tried to reboot and we went 2 months now I thought I should raise certain issues about it and he got defensive say hurtful things like he is horny but doesn’t was sex with me, he’s dreaming of sex and the girl isn’t me.
    He had no drive around me.

    This has completely shattered my self esteem- I look after myself, have a good body but I feel like nothing after that.

    Are these types of things discussed with your girlfriend whether they are true or not?
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  2. DeepParkWater

    DeepParkWater Fapstronaut

    Yes absolutely talk about this with your SO. Any healthy relationship in my eyes requires clear open communication. If you do not talk about this with your SO in a healthy manner, you will bottle up these emotions and you will inevitably resent him for it, potentially even worse consequences. Looking back at my most recent failed relationship, the death sentence was the lack of communication. I felt so abused emotionally near the end, I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells. This happened in spurts early on because she tended to bottle up her emotions and release them all at once rather than talking about them in a healthy manner.
  3. Sober guy

    Sober guy Fapstronaut

    Don't panic sis!
    Go and talk with your SO
    you have to figure and solve such problems by yourself
    These things are only solved by effective eye to eye conversation
    It is the only way
    It even makes your relationship healthy
    Don't overthik alone
    Coz it only worsen the situation by collecting the emotions inside yourself
    Tell your SO about your feelings
    I guess things will get solved by sharing your problems
    Good luck from my side!!!!!
  4. BarefootWalkabout

    BarefootWalkabout Fapstronaut

    Also I just want to add that there's no reason to take it personally, although i can imagine that it sounds way easier than it is. I am speaking from my own experience when I say that things can get warped during your reboot. You have to understand that we, with a porn habit, have conditioned ourselves to have a huge dopamine release with artificial stimuli, being behind a screen, very visual stimuli, almost voyeuristic if you will. It's very different than a real situation when there's scent, touch, contact etc. involved. So in my opinion, it is actually a sign that the reboot is working, he just needs to hang in there and realise it's going to take a little bit longer for things to go back to normal. Because it seems that right now he can't get off unless there's some of those artificial stimuli. So again, it doesn't mean that he doesn't like you, or is not attracted to you. It just shows that he does indeed have a porn habit and needs a reboot. Feel empathetic towards him, and don't take it personal :)
  5. Dont forget be is also doing it for you :)
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  6. CruzanImpact

    CruzanImpact Fapstronaut

    Speaking from experience, I had an issue similar to your SO. I would get ED halfway through, or couldn't operate at all unless I was just randomly horny and saw the opportunity to please my SO at the time. But, even though I was with my SO I continued to participate in PMO on my own time, not because I wasn't attracted to my SO, but because 1. I was ashamed that I couldn't perform for my SO, 2. I was depressed and 3. I have been participating in PMO for 7 years prior to my SO. leading off point 3, I would catch myself alone and naturally participate in PMO and when it came down to perform I would suffer from ED (this might not be the case, but it is also a possibility).

    I say to you, there might be outside factors that are contributing to his ED that he might not be comfortable expressing, which some guys hold on to until they are ready. Give him time, make sure 'rebooting' is something he truly wants and it's not out of shame, and I recommend checking if he is mentally and emotionally healthy.

    As a side note, I watched a couple of videos from Ted Talk and they spoke on this subject. One piece of information that stood out was the rebooting factor for men, especially young, take up to 3-5 months or longer.

    I hope this helps for understanding, and good luck.
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
    Asgardian36 and ifthecoppertubes like this.
  7. greenishmoon

    greenishmoon Fapstronaut

    Is this rebooting just about P?
  8. primaljade

    primaljade Fapstronaut

    Desire is not something you can negotiate, and am skeptical that discussion will help much (aside from him being gentler with his communication style).

    When I felt like an unattractive beta-male, I put in a lot of work to become attractive. If you don't feel attractive, you can do the work for it until you not only think you're attractive, but KNOW you're attractive. Do it, not just to please him, but for your own long-term happiness. At that point, the tables might turn and *you* might be the one rejecting his advances. It all depends on your dynamic - I have no idea.

    It's good he's being honest about it, most men would just lie (or worse: blame "ED"). It is unfortunate it had to get to the point of being blunt and hurting your feelings.
    Asgardian36 likes this.
  9. CruzanImpact

    CruzanImpact Fapstronaut

    I was sharing an experience with a FACTOR (P) that could be a possibility related to her SO’s “ED”. In my specific case, porn heavily influenced the way I viewed women and my SO at the time.
  10. CruzanImpact

    CruzanImpact Fapstronaut

    Sorry, if you were referring to the Ted Talk about ‘P’, it was all inclusive towards PMO entirely.
  11. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut


    I feel he is saying those hurtful things not to hurt you but from a state of being helpless. There's some plenty of good advice above. Make commitment to stay off P for 4-5 healthy, workout together, have fun. Your support means a lot to him more than you can imagine. Hang in! Godspeed!
    Realitycheck likes this.

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