Is it OK to fantasize about my wife?

[stmos]

I posted this in the wrong forum.
When the urge came today instead of thinking of porn I thought of my wife and of when we had sex. I didn’t masturbate but I started to think of her and I almost got an erection before I stopped. Is that considered porn? Do I have to do a reset now? Is this a good thing? Right now she’s upset with me over the whole pornography, addiction thing so we’re not having sex. And we’re in counseling now. I’ve always been attracted to her, but I’ve also always needed more, as she’s very limited as to what she will do.
But I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I fantasize about her. Anyone got any thoughts?

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I posted this in the wrong forum.
When the urge came today instead of thinking of porn I thought of my wife and of when we had sex. I didn’t masturbate but I started to think of her and I almost got an erection before I stopped. Is that considered porn? Do I have to do a reset now? Is this a good thing? Right now she’s upset with me over the whole pornography, addiction thing so we’re not having sex. And we’re in counseling now. I’ve always been attracted to her, but I’ve also always needed more, as she’s very limited as to what she will do.
But I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I fantasize about her. Anyone got any thoughts?

Nope fantasy is fantasy. It’s a very integral part of your addiction unfortunately. Think of your addiction as more of a lust masturbation addiction with p as gasoline for escalation.

 

[Deleted Account]

When the urge came today instead of thinking of porn I thought of my wife and of when we had sex. I didn’t masturbate but I started to think of her and I almost got an erection before I stopped. Is that considered porn? Do I have to do a reset now? Is this a good thing?

Fantasizing about your wife isn't considered porn. Whether or not it's a reset is up to your own personal goals. If you're only abstaining from pmo then, no, it's not a reset. Is it a good thing? Well that depends on who you ask. I think being attracted to your wife is a great thing; however, I see sexual fantasies as being a form of lust and therefore immoral. Again, that's my belief and I know it's not a popular one.

Right now she’s upset with me over the whole pornography, addiction thing so we’re not having sex. And we’re in counseling now. I’ve always been attracted to her, but I’ve also always needed more, as she’s very limited as to what she will do.
But I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I fantasize about her. Anyone got any thoughts?

As a porn addict I have an inflated sexual appetite. I feel I need sex when in reality I don't need it. I also don't need to have a bunch of wild experiences. I think sexual fantasies are a dangerous place for me because they feed into this inflated sexual appetite by reinforcing this disordered position that what I want is something I need. In short I believe it feeds a spirit of entitlement in me.

 

[stmos]

I am also beginning to see them is feeding into a problem. As they seem to be taking me down a dark path. Into a world of what will never happen. As essentially, I’m creating porn in my head.

 

[Sad_wife]

I posted this in the wrong forum.
When the urge came today instead of thinking of porn I thought of my wife and of when we had sex. I didn’t masturbate but I started to think of her and I almost got an erection before I stopped. Is that considered porn? Do I have to do a reset now? Is this a good thing? Right now she’s upset with me over the whole pornography, addiction thing so we’re not having sex. And we’re in counseling now. I’ve always been attracted to her, but I’ve also always needed more, as she’s very limited as to what she will do.
But I don’t know if it’s a good thing that I fantasize about her. Anyone got any thoughts?

ohhh that’s hard. It depends on where it takes you there are two side to that argument. I would be thrilled if my husband was fantasizing about me and getting aroused. I definitely see it as a good sign if you normally didn’t. As your mind is turning to her and real sex.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

ohhh that’s hard. It depends on where it takes you there are two side to that argument. I would be thrilled if my husband was fantasizing about me and getting aroused. I definitely see it as a good sign if you normally didn’t. As your mind is turning to her and real sex.

The problem is it’s not actually *her*. And it’s not actually sex with her. It’s a fantasy that will almost certainly lead bank to pmo. It’s just watered down version of his addiction. I wish it wasn’t. Several of my husbands slips/relapse are fantasy about me, lol and he has lots of memories to use. But it’s still not me. It’s his addiction. Alone. Isolated, secretive, non connection up in his head

 

[Sad_wife]

The problem is it’s not actually *her*. And it’s not actually sex with her. It’s a fantasy that will almost certainly lead bank to pmo. It’s just watered down version of his addiction. I wish it wasn’t. Several of my husbands slips/relapse are fantasy about me, lol and he has lots of memories to use. But it’s still not me. It’s his addiction. Alone. Isolated, secretive, non connection up in his head

Oh I totally agree with this. Good he shut it down before M. But thinking of his wife I still see as a positive step for his brain. It’s still trying to go there. But using his actual real life wife. No argument that it could also be a set back. And definitely part of addiction.

 

[stmos]

The problem is it’s not actually *her*. And it’s not actually sex with her. It’s a fantasy that will almost certainly lead bank to pmo. It’s just watered down version of his addiction. I wish it wasn’t. Several of my husbands slips/relapse are fantasy about me, lol and he has lots of memories to use. But it’s still not me. It’s his addiction. Alone. Isolated, secretive, non connection up in his head

I think you’re right. It is leading me toward wanting to M a lot more. it’s not helping me control anything it’s making it worse. I need to save this energy for when she feels she can trust me enough to be with me again.
I think it’s my brain trying to justify something and trying to trick me.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I think you’re right. It is leading me toward wanting to M a lot more. it’s not helping me control anything it’s making it worse. I need to save this energy for when she feels she can trust me enough to be with me again.
I think it’s my brain trying to justify something and trying to trick me.

That’s exactly what it is. Your brain will get desperate for you to go back deep into your addiction. It will try any trick.

 

[stmos]

OK, I told my wife about what happened today, and that I fantasized about her. She said it was sweet, and then had sex for the first time since she found out. She told me that she felt that she was ugly And I wasn’t attracted to her. I’m confused. I still think it’s a bad thing despite what she thinks.

 

[Sad_wife]

OK, I told my wife about what happened today, and that I fantasized about her. She said it was sweet, and then had sex for the first time since she found out. She told me that she felt that she was ugly And I wasn’t attracted to her. I’m confused. I still think it’s a bad thing despite what she thinks.

It is and isn’t. One of the huge things is knowing that he’s doing that to women “more attractive” than me. It makes me feel very insecure. I love when he fantasizes about me.

but yeah it’s very dangerous and a trigger/trick of the brain. As long as when you think about her you immediately tell her and engage in the real deal you are helping re wire your brain.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

I would say wanting to fuck your wife is a good thing, as long as that leads to initiating sex with your wife rather than porn. Unless you find the hands going into the pants, I wouldn't overthink it.

 

[Jerry2Rick]

OK, I told my wife about what happened today, and that I fantasized about her. She said it was sweet, and then had sex for the first time since she found out. She told me that she felt that she was ugly And I wasn’t attracted to her. I’m confused. I still think it’s a bad thing despite what she thinks.

Good work. Your wife likes being the object of your desire. Your relationship is on the right track.

 

[stmos]

Good work. Your wife likes being the object of your desire. Your relationship is on the right track.

Well my wife is a big spherical shaped girl which I find very attractive. I turned to porn when she lost her sex drive after a miscarriage and IUI AND IVF. So I want to sleep with her I am lucky she wants to be with me .

 

[The Shift]

I would say wanting to fuck your wife is a good thing, as long as that leads to initiating sex with your wife rather than porn. Unless you find the hands going into the pants, I wouldn't overthink it.

I would add that your intent matters. If you are attracted to your wife, and you want to be with her you are 100% on the right path my friend. I'd say instead of fantasizing go find your wife and start talking and being vulnerable with her.

OK, I told my wife about what happened today, and that I fantasized about her. She said it was sweet, and then had sex for the first time since she found out. She told me that she felt that she was ugly And I wasn’t attracted to her. I’m confused. I still think it’s a bad thing despite what she thinks.

I think I know what your problem is and where the disconnect is coming in. Because I have the same issue, my wife is a beautiful sexy woman and I have GREAT memories of GREAT sex with her. She's my one and she for sure is who I connect with the most. The problem is even in those fantasies Im taking away from her right now and I'm not valuing our connection and our bond I'm valuing a memory which at best is a cheap imitation if that makes sense. Fantasies and porn are easy. simple button press and we get what we want. Working for it is a risk to our ego and yes we will get rejected it will kind of sting and THATS OK! you're better for trying and shes worth it!

it's like what @Psalm27:1my light said though, your fantasies aren't real and there is no connection. Keep talking to your wife bro. Forget fantasizing and get after it. go make her feel beautiful and show her you value her and connect. From the results of your conversation with her it sounds like you already understand that and you should be good to go. TALK TO HER not sure if I mentioned that one lol.

 

[stmos]

I would add that your intent matters. If you are attracted to your wife, and you want to be with her you are 100% on the right path my friend. I'd say instead of fantasizing go find your wife and start talking and being vulnerable with her.


I think I know what your problem is and where the disconnect is coming in. Because I have the same issue, my wife is a beautiful sexy woman and I have GREAT memories of GREAT sex with her. She's my one and she for sure is who I connect with the most. The problem is even in those fantasies Im taking away from her right now and I'm not valuing our connection and our bond I'm valuing a memory which at best is a cheap imitation if that makes sense. Fantasies and porn are easy. simple button press and we get what we want. Working for it is a risk to our ego and yes we will get rejected it will kind of sting and THATS OK! you're better for trying and shes worth it!

it's like what @Psalm27:1my light said though, your fantasies aren't real and there is no connection. Keep talking to your wife bro. Forget fantasizing and get after it. go make her feel beautiful and show her you value her and connect. From the results of your conversation with her it sounds like you already understand that and you should be good to go. TALK TO HER not sure if I mentioned that one lol.

We have been having sex a lot more, since we started this process. I think I made this post because I was going through a lot of hard detoxing and at the time we were really not having any sex or not much sex.
Now, we’re at a point where she feels she can trust me. She knows about my recent slip and is happy that I’m being honest with her about it. We’re back in counseling and she’s actually happy that I care about her and we’re actually starting to have progress. She’s happy that I started going to meetings to try to get treatment.
She’s also happy that I’m taking this seriously. I love her and I still want to be with her my recent slips have. Caused me to reevaluate how I’m trying to overcome this problem. And then I can’t willpower this away I need to start learning how to process my urges and learn how to not react to them. Which is something that she’s been trying to tell me for many years. Lol

 

[The Shift]

We have been having sex a lot more, since we started this process. I think I made this post because I was going through a lot of hard detoxing and at the time we were really not having any sex or not much sex.
Now, we’re at a point where she feels she can trust me. She knows about my recent slip and is happy that I’m being honest with her about it. We’re back in counseling and she’s actually happy that I care about her and we’re actually starting to have progress. She’s happy that I started going to meetings to try to get treatment.
She’s also happy that I’m taking this seriously. I love her and I still want to be with her my recent slips have. Caused me to reevaluate how I’m trying to overcome this problem. And then I can’t willpower this away I need to start learning how to process my urges and learn how to not react to them. Which is something that she’s been trying to tell me for many years. Lol

are you carrying a journal around and writing down temptation sources or feelings when urges hit? if you're not I really suggest doing so. Figure out what is triggering you and then come up with some hard proactive measures to avoid those situations. My phone has not been in a bathroom for months and my laptop stays in my locker at work. Its dramatic but its been effective. Figuring out what feelings are triggering you is a little trickier but by far the most effective way to stay clean

 

[stmos]

are you carrying a journal around and writing down temptation sources or feelings when urges hit? if you're not I really suggest doing so. Figure out what is triggering you and then come up with some hard proactive measures to avoid those situations. My phone has not been in a bathroom for months and my laptop stays in my locker at work. Its dramatic but its been effective. Figuring out what feelings are triggering you is a little trickier but by far the most effective way to stay clean

I usually journal everything here. So that way, I have a running journal and I can have other people comment and kind of look at patterns.
I’ve also started going to a 12 step program to get more feedback and I show my journal to people there to get also more feedback.
My biggest sticking point seems to be failure wise as I get a lot of stress from my mother with dementia. I don’t really have a computer anymore. My wife made sure that. The only laptop I have access to is from work, which has tracking software on it that I dare not use.
We’re going to be installing a software on my phone tonight part of slip prevention.

 

[USER_ERROR]

I would say wanting to fuck your wife is a good thing, as long as that leads to initiating sex with your wife rather than porn. Unless you find the hands going into the pants, I wouldn't overthink it.

this is as much trigger ill take for the day, im calling it in and joining my wife in bed -which we use for sleep not sex, want to now why? I am a happily married man.

 

[Real Jerry Seinfeld]

this is as much trigger ill take for the day, im calling it in and joining my wife in bed -which we use for sleep not sex, want to now why? I am a happily married man.

I apologise for the temptation I've so carelessly tossed in your path. I hope you enjoyed a pleasant and chaste slumber.