Is it PMO or something else?

Hello everyone,

This is my first post on the forum. English is not my first language, and I tend to digress a lot in whatever I say. So, please pardon any mistakes and bear with me. :/

I usually don't talk about such things, not even on the internet. But, my addiction has gotten to such an extent that I can't control it anymore. On the contrary, it controls me. Hence, talking about my problem seemed like a sensible approach towards stopping my addiction. Here it goes:

What I do is every night or whenever I can't suppress my urge, I lock my room's door, take out the woolen, soft blanket from the wardrobe and fold it in half, download a **** video on my phone, turn it on, put my penis into the fold and start moving it back and forth as if I were having real sexual intercourse. I am sorry for going into such details. But, I think it's necessary to explain my situation. Is it considered masturbation? How can I stop it? I have been doing it for 3 years now. I always say to myself that this is going to be my last, but the next day I give in to my urges again. Mentally, I am totally devastated. I feel like I have no self-esteem, zero confidence. I cannot think straight. I feel emotional easily. Sometimes, I feel suicidal. Physically, it is having pretty bad impacts too. I feel too exhausted. It has spoiled the texture of my penis. I can't sleep properly at night either. My hairline is receding faster.

A brief history on how this addiction started:

I am a 23-year-old male. I am literally a retarded person. Retarded in every freaking way you can think of. Examples being, I am short, I have dry, scaly skin with dark patches on foldings and groins, I sometimes have erratic hair loss, I literally look like 13-year old with a small face, I can't concentrate too long on anything, and so on. I believe I have GHD which led to such retardness. However, all the doctors who have checked up on me said nothing is wrong with me, and everything is genetically inherited. No one in our family has my problems. Even, my sister is an inch taller than me. So, I was extremely depressed for 3 years. In order to get out of my depression, I started masturbation in 2012 (no I never masturbated before) mostly as a brief respite from depression. Slowly, it became an addiction and in 2013, I devised the method I mentioned above as a more pleasant experience. Now, masturbation itself is causing its own problems on me. That combined with my depression and you can understand why I feel suicidal at times.

How can I completely quit my addiction?

If you have it read till now, thank you very much.

 

I try to talk about my problems with my parents. They seem to shrug it off/not pay enough attention to it. What initiated this habit of mine was depression.

 

I went without PMO for 2 months last year. I could slowly feel the good effects it was having on me. However, on the 61th day mark, I gave in. That was one of the saddest days of my life.

 

Update: I haven't masturbated in 9 days. Hopefully, I can continue this for at least 3 months.

 

Not the happy feeling. Sometimes, I feel there is no point of my existence, and I simply give in to my urge. My depression is troubling me. I feel too sad at times about my height. My retardedness, to be more specific. I suffer from excessive inferiority complex. Something which wasn't the case 3/4 years back.

 

Talking to women is my weakness. I have next to no women in my friend circle, and the ones I do have, I am not at all close with them.

Update: 15th day. Still going. I have been having strong urges to give in since yesterday. How do I sublimate this urge?

 

I am sorry for saying this, but I don't think you clearly understand my situation. And, I do not blame you for it. I have never being articulate in my life. Hell, my own parents do not clearly understand my situation. All they know is that I am too worried about my height. They do not know the havoc this depression is wrecking on me. Yes, I know I can reclaim my previous life, but my previous life itself wasn't much pleasant either. I have been suffering from inferiority complex for as long as I can remember because I feel like I am retarded which I physically am. I believe I have some sort of underlying condition(probably GHD/Growth hormone deficiency/some sort of hormonal disorder) which the doctors are unable to diagnose. A few months I went to discuss my situation with a renowned doctor who I was referred to by my dad. After only 30 minutes of discussion, he reached the conclusion that I am fine and that I unnecessarily worry too much for which he suggested me to get checked on by a psychiatrist. Only god knows how much that hurt.

Thank you very much for those links. I will read them when I have the time.

 

Update: 18th day. Still going. I had some really strong urges last night, but I managed to suppress them by watching the EURO football matches.

 

I don't know why but my parents being oblivious to my issues triggered off my depression pretty strongly today. I was feeling so bad and despondent that I was seeking respite from it. Hence, I relapsed even though my urge was not very strong. And, it felt really good. I think that explains why I started masturbation in the first place. To seek respite from depression.

 

That was actually a reset. Thanks for clearing that up. I am not fully acquainted with the terminology.

I was doing pretty good. Sucks that I gave in. I need to figure out how to healthily seek solace whenever I have bouts of depression. Playing video games sometimes help, but not all the time.