Is it possible to be in a relationship with a girl when you have social anxiety?

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Kman20, Dec 22, 2018.

  1. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    I feel that even if you look good, have your life together, and very compassionate if you aren't able to socialize well then that is all for naught.

    What do you guys think? Do you think it's possible to get (I hate saying get a gf because it sounds like she's a prize or object to obtain) a gf when you're a socially anxious person ? I personally don't think so after my own experiences. Being too shy will make it impossible for you as a guy.
     
  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    In my experience... when I had social anxiety, I wasn't who I wanted to be nor was I expressing myself honestly. I was too concerned and focused on my own self centered needs and problems. I wasn't able to be affectionate nor was I able to communicate the way I wanted to. I wasn't able to connect with others and others weren't able to connect with me.

    The results were that I had very short term relationships with women that weren't right for me and I wasn't able to be a good man for them. My past friends and I weren't right for each other either. After making the necessary changes with myself, all the past people faded away and I had to create a new life for myself with entirely new people that I truly wanted to be with.

    Social anxiety to me is being unable to share who you really are and if you're not doing that then you're in relationships with people who are with a fake / filtered / edited / censored version of you. Which doesn't fulfill and satisfy anyone involved.

    People with social anxiety like to think they're being safe by staying inwards and hiding themselves, but it's not safe at all when you think about everything you're missing out on in life.

    Vulnerably and daringly expressing myself honestly on a daily basis... allowing myself to fail, make mistakes, and get rejected... finding the right people who love me for who I really am... these are my greatest achievements in life that I had to go through a lot of adversity to attain and has vastly changed every other aspect of my life for the better.
     
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  3. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    If you have your life together, then why the need to be anxious? Why the need to hide and shrink away from others?

    I would argue that being socially anxious isn't being compassionate to others or yourself. You aren't able to share with others and you're hiding who you really are from others. It reinforces the belief that you're not good enough and others aren't good enough for you to share with.

    Physical attributes gets old really fast. What really makes a person attractive are things like charm / passion / love of life / being fully awake / enthusiasm / etc... all things I didn't have as a socially anxious person.

    It affects all aspects of your life.
     
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  4. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    I compeltely agree with this and it is something I have been doing much of the past few months. Sharing my thoughts and interests. Opening up about my insecurites. Basically saying anything that can warrant a rejection versus “safe talk” that is ultimately boring and leaves the conversation as an incredibly dismissive and forgetful one.

    Do you mind me asking how you do this in your experience? I mean how you got over your social anxiety and were able to openly express yourself and communicate effectively. I know you basically gave the answer to me already but can you give me specific examples? I really want to crack this for myself. I’m sick of living like this.

    This is seriously the life I should be living. I feel like I’m still in a cacoon trying to break free into a butterfly.
     
  5. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Social anxiety, at least for me, didn't happen out of nowhere. I was a very confident and extroverted child, but became very different through my teenage and young adult years. I became conditioned to be that way. Traumatizing things caused me to change how I thought, felt, and behaved. Doing that on a daily basis changed who I was.

    So in order to tear down that old self and build something new, I had to interrupt those old patterns and create new ones. That means pushing beyond your comfort zone. Beyond what's safe, easy, and certain. Beyond instant gratification. To grow as a person. It takes daily effort.

    I wanted to do this because I had negative experiences and regrets with a lot of my old relationships or relationships that never even had a chance because I was so incompetent and insecure. So I found something more important than the immediate outcomes. Something more important than failing, making mistakes, getting embarrassed, getting rejected, etc. I did the scary, difficult, and uncertain things that I knew I should be doing to become the man that I wanted to become and to have the life that I wanted to have. Eventually, little by little, I gained competence and confidence by facing adversity.

    There's really no special technique or method other than pushing yourself further than what you consider to be normal and comfortable. I'm sure you already read / watch enough material on the various things you want to get better at. You probably already know more than enough. Nothing beats learning from experience though.

    Take learning to be funny for example. You have to be willing to risk being not funny to see what works and to craft your own personal sense of humor. You learn from others that you find funny, you imitate them, you experiment with various methods, you fuck up, and eventually you get better at it.

    It has to be a way of life. A lot of people only turn on their super secret high level social skills whenever they see someone attractive or whatever, but I behave the same with everyone. Even after attaining the skills I've wanted to attain in regards to social freedom, I still learn and push myself. I still condition myself everyday. It has become my default state and I want to keep it sharp. I still have negative experiences, but the positive experiences that I've gained throughout the years has been worth it and reinforced my desire to keep getting better.

    Circumstances are made not to matter as much by experiencing them. Social anxiety is basically pressure. Pressure caused by fear of outcomes, uncertainty, difficulty, insecurity, incompetence, etc. Confidence to me is the belief that no matter what happens, I'll be able to handle it. I've faced a lot of pressure filled situations to know that no matter what (negative or positive experience) I can handle it. So with that courage to take even more risks, eventually brings competence, and eventually brings confidence. The more risks I was willing to take and the more comfortable I was with failing, making mistakes, and being rejected, the more I succeeded and reinforced everything even more. Before I realized it, I became the person I've always wanted to be.
     
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  6. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    Beautiful written and inspiring. This might be the final call to action I’ve waited to read. The one that I needed. On my drive home today I was punching myself in the gut because I’ve realized how socially inhibited I am. Also how inhibited my life is in general. A girl had called me cute today and instead of acting on that I was anxious and did not respond. I often imagine myself as a confident person but now I’m done imagining.

    I have a lot pain (work) that I need to get to that I’ve really been putting off. I will cringe, bottle up, and want to run away at times but I know that to be my true self and to express myself in the end will be profoundly worth it. My life right now as just a shell of my real self, is just a big waste of time. I could be doing and showing so much more.
     
  7. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Social anxiety is also excessive worrying about possible failure. Overly concerned with doing the perfect thing to get a perfect outcome. Cautious and walking on egg shells in order to protect yourself from harm. You get stuck in your head and procrastinate because unless you have a guarantee then you aren't willing to play to win. Instead you play to not lose. So you never really win, but you never really lose either... you just stay safe and comfortable.

    It's about letting go of things you can't control. Letting go of the entitlement that you're supposed to be happy all the time. That everything works in your favor and everyone is interested in you. Letting go of being smooth, ready, fearless, and certain before taking action.

    That need to be perfect and to have everything in your life perfect is what leads to escaping reality. Because you know deep down that you and reality can never be perfect. So we numb ourselves with porn, drugs, alcohol, tv, and solitude... because what's the point of trying if we don't have a guaranteed outcome?
     
  8. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    When you find yourself daydreaming... it's usually because you're insecure about that certain topic. I used to be a really big daydreamer about a better version of myself, women, life, etc. I don't daydream anymore because reality is a lot better despite all its imperfection.

    Good for you. It will be painful, problematic, embarrassing, and full of failure, but like I said... find something more important than the immediate outcomes to place value on. Think of it like a garden. You plant and cultivate seeds.... nothing shows up for a long time... but eventually you have a garden of crops (whether it's filled with stuff you want or not). So far you've built a garden that you don't want. Just remember that it didn't just show up out of nowhere. You build a garden that you want the same way. It's delayed gratification.

    Those regrets and negative experiences are important. That suffering and dissatisfaction sharpens your edge and aggression rather than numbing yourself with routine comforts and distractions.

    For example, with that girl that called you cute... a simple smile and a thank you would have been more than enough... but for some reason you couldn't even do that. Maybe because you found her attractive... maybe because you don't believe that you're cute or good enough... maybe because you were just trying too hard to say or do the perfect thing and were stuck in your head. You have to question these things and practice in real life situations.
     
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  9. Kman20

    Kman20 Fapstronaut

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    I understand this and used to be a maladaptive daydreamer. I’ve stopped now and when I do daydream now I’m not conscious lf it and when I am I stop it. I’ve noticed when I’m feeling confident I don’t unconsciously daydream at all rather I’m naturally mindful. Meaning it must have to do with my insecurities like you state.

    I understand this as well and it’s my fear of looking stupid that has been holding me back. Ironically though it’s a that being able to fail and make mistakes that makes people want to connevt with you. It’s hard to relate to someone who’s seemingly “perfect” because that isn’t human, he’s NOT BEING HUMAN. So I absolutely get that it’s flawed thinking.
     
  10. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    Yes. Imperfections allows us to connect with each other more.

    It's also about being congruent to how you're behaving. Someone that tries hard to be perfect or too nice and pleasant to be liked by everyone seems fake or seems like they're up to something manipulative. It's coming from a place of fear and insecurity. A place of self centered hidden intentions. You feel it and they feel that something is off.

    A big part of why being able to express yourself honestly is attractive is that you tend to express yourself enthusiastically, passionate, openly, confidently, proudly, and you become full of life. People feel that. You feel that. It gives them a sample of what it's going to be like when they're part of your life. It reflects how you are with every other aspect of your life. It shows how you handle pressure / adversity / challenges / difficulty / uncertainty / fear / etc. It tells them that you're a person that can add value to other people's lives rather than just leeching and taking what you need.
     

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