Is it sex addiction?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by KASE1228, Jul 31, 2020.

  1. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    I want to make this as short as possible so here goes. I lost my sex drive for five years Due to an illness I had and my husband hit the porn. He ended up cheating on me with my best friend. I was afraid to lose him so I agreed to a threesome. It happened a few times then I could not continue. He got upset. He then cheated on me again with her. I didn’t find that one out until years later when I caught him having a full blown affair with a women with not as good of looks as me, not as educated as me, and not financially stable. She was using him for money and he was using her for the porn sex she was willing to give to him. I found out my husband cheated on his ex wife 4 times so after getting that info I told him I had cheated because I wanted him to realize how it felt. Yes I felt the need to go that drastic because nothing was getting through to him. My husband and I went to counseling we stayed together, we had a baby. But he still can’t love me the way he used to. He says it’s because I can’t love him the way he wants. What he wants is to continue to have threesomes and he wants to see me have sex with another man. He says a lot of the times that is what he has to imagine to get aroused. He says he recognizes that his request is f-uped but its how he feels loved. I don’t know how to approach this. We spoke last night and I told him this is only going to create a bigger sense of falisy for our sex life. Why is he looking to sex for love and healing.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020
  2. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    This is just degenerate Western culture in full bloom. Porn is just a rather unimportant part of the whole picture. The only victim here is the child being born into this mess. You both are better off with stopping the sexual frenzy entirely and a divorce on good terms.
     
  3. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    I feel porn has played a major role and I believe deep down my husband knows he needs help. And I want to help him. I came on this site looking for that help. There is a lot more to this story, he is my high school sweetheart, I helped him raise his three daughters before ours came a long.
     
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2020
  4. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    He seems to be fine with the situation. You are not. So obviously you are in need of help.

    The first thing to accept is that you can only help yourself and never change a relationship partner.

    Your situation is the result of lots of bad decisions on your end. For starters: You simply don't marry a man with this amount of baggage. That is not solely your fault, that's something your parents could have given you advice on, when you were in high school. But it's never too later to correct mistakes and move on.
     
    Steppingintotheunkown likes this.
  5. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  6. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Oh, he trained you good...

    He can't love you because you give in to his sickness. The only way he could ever love you is if you separate yourself from nurturing his deviant mind, and start building your own identity. He will tell you anything to keep his fetish going though, but by playing along, you are really digging your own grave relationship wise.

    This is a guy who can't love where he fucks, and can't fuck where he loves. Typical of certain addicts. Most likely, he hate his deviant side, and seeing you love it and nurture it, and play into it, will cause him to project his disgust for himself onto you. No woman has ever won a man's heart by buying into his filth or complying to his sexual needs. No woman ever.
     
  7. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    Im not trying to change him, I am trying to help him. This is my husband, not someone with just baggage to easily throw away. Had I known about his deep down issues before I married him so would not have married him. But I am loyal to a fault and I stand by my word for better or worse. Lastly he even admitted to me that he was mortified admitting he wanted to see me with another man he felt his man hood was being stripped away. So again I came on here to ask for sincere help, not for judgement. I am seeking help for a man I truly love due to so much that we have had, been through, and ultimately the love and friendship we have had for so many years. I am crying out for help.
     
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  8. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  9. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    I understand that, he has not trained me because I am not willing to go through with it. We have been working on our relationship for over two years now and I have not given in. But I thought this site was for people who could provide advice and help. Not make me feel bad.
     
  10. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    You have not done anything wrong. You have done what any loving woman would do and then some. But he manipulates you when he says he can't love you if you don't comply to having threesomes. And you know that too. His sex addiction treatment will, if he is lucky, result in him adjusting to your shared sex life. You can't adjust to his, because his needs are not within the normal range (for the time being). His is not a case for couples therapy, but rather something he needs to figure out with a professional in this area. There are a lot of resources out there as well, one of my favourite being "the brain that changes itself", by Norman Doidge, MD. It has a little, but very powerful passage about porn addiction.
     
  11. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  12. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so much, that is what I am looking for resources and advice on where we can look for some advice and help. Thank you!
     
  13. I am sorry that some of the initial replies that you received came off as judgemental. Most likely they were well intended, but sometimes we reply in horror to the details presented and miss out on the obvious background of: marriage, having a child together, two people trying to work through these challenges because they both love each other, going to counselling, etc.

    I am confident that you will find help and support here on this site, both from the partners of sex addicts and from the porn and sex addicts themselves (and some who fall into both categories).

    For some good resources outside of here I would strongly recommend:

    Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) - you would probably both benefit from this support group/program, though it might work better if you go to different meetings. Other 12 step groups for sex addiction include Sexaholics Anonymous (SA - more Christian / conservative), Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and S-Anon and CoSA (both programs for partners of sex addicts). Look online and see what is available in your area. Also, from their websites you can find information to help you decide which program is best for you. There's also at least half a dozen additional 12 step programs which focus on sexual and relationship challenges.

    "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Melody. There are lots of good books out there, but I think this is one of the best. It looks at both sides of love and sex addiction. In short, there's a reason why love addicts tend to end up with sex addicts, and many of us have qualities of both.

    Lastly, I 100% agree with @Lilla_My - your husband does not need to have threesomes and he does not need for you to have sex with other men for your relationship to work. But, as an addict, his addicted mind will absolutely convince him that these things must happen for him to be okay. The addiction feeds itself and tries to figure how how it can hold on to you (whom he loves) and the sexual addiction (which he thinks he needs).
     
  14. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you so very much! This is exactly what I was looking for! I truly appreciate it! Thank you!!!
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  15. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    For starters: Someone with an "ex-wife" has fidelity issues.

    This is not how it works. Marriage is for life, that means your husband gave a vow to his wife and you have no place in this game. Raising someone else's children is not how marriage works. Anyway the most basic premise of marriage is fidelity and your husband is an adulterer and has always has been. Technically you are not married at all, you are with an adulterer and your child belongs to his first marriage.

    You have to get the basics right first and understand the bad decisions you made, where it all started.

    I'm sorry, you are in a codependent relationship and you confuse codependency with love and friendship. This is something which is going to kill you, if you do not remove yourself from the situation immediately. Denial is part of codependency, so it's no surprise that you are unable to see the reality of the situation.

    If he took your virginity (and those of dozens of other girls) at high school, that is the reason why you are emotionally stuck with him and you need to let go of that, because he did marry someone else. He treats you like an affair and not like a wife. Actions count, not court papers.

    Again: You need help!
     
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2020
  16. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  17. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    It’s truly disappointing how many of you have jumped to judge and place blame. Everyone has issues, everyone has a journey they walk. My husband is sick, he has a sexual addiction more than likely due to a lot of issues he went through with his family growing up. I know this because I was there, I have known him since he was 13. I did not get on to this site to be judged. I came on here to try and figure out where to get help for my husband. I am surprised so many adults like to shame, I hope we are teaching our children differently. My husband is a good person, he struggles with his walk with God, he has shame in him. All I am trying to do is seek help here.
     
    RedDeadredemption likes this.
  18. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Unfortunately, the term "codependency" is still used when describing the terrible cancer (that mainly befall women) called spousal pornography addiction. We can only hope that this awful term, that implicates ownership and female guilt, will be laid to rest soon.

    You did nothing to cause his choices. Instead, you are very much a victim of terrible circumstances. You were walking peacefully on your path through life when a gaping hole opened up underneath you and swallowed you whole, and for that I'm truly sorry.

    My first post was not meant to put any blame on you, rather an attempt to make you see what you can do and what won't work. As loving wives we tend to wanna try out everything, which is fine. But some things simply comes with a zero percent success rate, so it's better to establish that from the beginning in order to save us some years of heartache. We will already loose a big chunk of our life to this gangrene, let's keep our losses as minimal as possible.

    Now what you can do is to firmly establish your boundaries. The job of recovery is his. Some pornography users tend to wanna shift the work back onto the woman. She "should" be supportive understanding and proactive. She "should" make it her full time job to put up with lies and at the same time be a shoulder to cry on. But let's rewind that miserable tape for a second and take a look of what your mission in life really is. Your job is to take care of you, wade through his bullshit and tend to your child. He is his own fulltime work. After some years, the dividing line of what's his problems and what's yours should appear more vividly. I don't think you are in denial for even one second; you might just be in the beginning of a journey where things eventually become clearer and more apparent. For now, it's a muddled and entangled mess and it's terrible, I know.

    If he keeps abusing you by his choices, you might need to temporarily remove yourself from the situation until he wakes up and start to look for healing on his own. As unfortunate as it is, you are very limited in what you can do for him. Shoving resources down his throat, as needed as they might be, won't really help. As humans, we might hear most things, but we don't listen and we don't understand until something changes within us. Now, you can pave the way for those changes within him by clearly establish your boundaries and remove yourself from the situation if he violates them. You can let him know that you in no shape or form will contribute to his deviance. I truly hope you stay on this forum and read a lot of threads, while asking as many questions as you want. We are here to help, even if some things may come across as harsh.
     
    Psalm27:1my light and KASE1228 like this.
  19. StarRider

    StarRider Fapstronaut

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    Gaslighting is a technique used to gain power. I have no power over someone anonymous posting on a forum and no power to gain as well. It's my opinion, that the OP ended up in this situation, because she ignored lots of red flags and I stand by it.
     
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  20. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    You try to put the blame on the OP and make her feel ashamed that she didn't have super natural powers to predict the future. Do you think her husband introduced himself as a porn addict and a cheater? "Hello, my name is x, and I intend to ruin your life".

    Sadly, you porn addicts don't come with a little sign in your wallet or in a necklace, like diabetics or those with epilepsy. Most act completely normal for the first few years, before the relationship gets eaten away by the flesh eating bacteria called obsessive wanking. Still, some of you are eager to turn this around on the woman. Red flags? No, what we need is a crystal ball or at least some damn coffee grounds, because believe me, this cancer can't be seen until well after the wedding cake is eaten, the flowers are thrown and the first children are conceived.
     
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