Is it Sex Addiction?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by KASE1228, Aug 2, 2020.

  1. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    I want to make this as short as possible so here goes. I lost my sex drive for five years Due to an illness I had and my husband hit the porn. He ended up cheating on me with my best friend. I was afraid to lose him so I agreed to a threesome. It happened a few times then I could not continue. He got upset. He then cheated on me again with her. I didn’t find that one out until years later when I caught him having a full blown affair with a women with not as good of looks as me, not as educated as me, and not financially stable. She was using him for money and he was using her for the porn sex she was willing to give to him. I found out my husband cheated on his ex wife 4 times after that as well, so after getting that info I told him I had cheated because I wanted him to realize how it felt. Yes I felt the need to go that drastic because nothing was getting through to him. My husband and I went to counseling we stayed together, we had a baby. But he still can’t love me the way he used to. He says it’s because I can’t love him the way he wants. What he wants is to continue to have threesomes and he wants to see me have sex with another man. He says a lot of the times that is what he has to imagine to get aroused. He prefers me dressed up with stockings, and little skirts and little tops in order for him to get aroused to have sex. I also see that he turn me around to have sex half the time as well. He says he recognizes that his request is f-uped but its how he feels loved. I don’t know how to approach this. He says admitting this made him feel degraded and that he knows he needs to do better. He realizes he is not the Godly man he used to be. He is my high school sweetheart. We broke up after high school and he got a girl pregnant so he married her, six years later they got divorced and he went looking for me. He also says to me he prefers me laying around the house in something a little sexy, not my robe. We spoke last night and I told him this is only going to create a bigger sense of falisy for our sex life by bringing someone into our bedroom again. Why is he looking to sex for love and healing. He made mention a while back that maybe he is into polyamory but I think that was just a cover up for what he is feeling.
     
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  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    How long have you been married? It sounds like your husband may have ia, or at the least is so heavily addicted that he has confused love and intimacy with sex, orgasm, etc. This addiction will effect all aspects of his and your life more and more as he gets deeper and deeper. If you can afford a csat and he is willing to see one I’d suggest starting there. If you can’t afford that, sa/saa groups are a huge help. Realistically though, if he doesn’t want to get into recovery, nothing you do will make the situation better. It will only get worse with time. He has already escalated to “ porn in real life”. That’s hard to cone back from without real dedication and work on changing.
     
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  3. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  4. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    What is IA? What is a CSAT? We have been married 16 years and known each other for over 27 years. Ya that is my next step, seeing if he is willing to get help.
     
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  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Intimacy anorexia, they basically can’t be truly intimate. Facing the Shadow by Carnes is a good book as is your brain on porn if you can get your husband to look/read those..
     
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  6. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  7. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    He used to be affectionate, we had great intimate sex when we first got married. It breaks my heart that it’s gone. What is CSAT?
     
  8. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

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    @Psalm27:1my light is great at helping others here.

    Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. (CSAT®)
     
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  9. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Generally speaking, most sex addict’s began their addiction in childhood. It sounds as though this is also the case with your husband as you said he cheated multiple times on his first wife? Usually, sex addicts escalate from porn to in real life, ie. Strip clubs, escorts, affairs. The addiction starts as a way of coping with neglect, childhood trauma of some sort which, could just be parents divorcing. For my husband, it was horrible bullying at school. This is usually the underlying cause of addiction which must be addressed in order to get into recovery. The hardest step is getting the addict to admit they have a problem, second hardest is them deciding to reach out for help.
     
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  10. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  11. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    Yes, his mother was always more worried about her and her family looking good then actually loving her children. When his parents got divorced it was very traumatic for him. His mom cheated on his dad. His younger brother is like 38 and can barely hold down a bartender job and sleeps around a lot as well. I don’t know him that well to say he also has an addiction but I believe he too has issues from his parents divorce.
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    So his mother was a narcissist or at the least had narcissistic tendencies/behaviors which is trauma to children as well as the cheating and divorce. So it sounds like he had a lot of trauma in childhood.
     
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  13. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  14. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    This is correct, she is a narcissist.
     
  15. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    He is very ashamed of his behavior, I can see him being embarrassed to even go to a therapist. Are there books he can read on what steps he can start taking to move forward? I know he will eventually need to start attending meetings but at this point baby steps. I pray he would be willing to do this if he can admit he has a problem.
     
  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    There are several good books, however to really get into recovery he will need help.
    Facing the shadow by Carnes, Treating pornography addiction by Dr. Kevin Skinner, Your Brain on Porn.Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight. You probably have a lot of trauma as well, especially given the fact you complied with the threesome when it wasn’t something you wanted. If you can go see a csat I’d highly recommend that, it will help you navigate your relationships ups and downs. They can also point you towards more books.
     
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  17. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  18. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    Seriously please stop posting on my threads. You are following me to different forums.You are vile and cause nothing but harm. You need help!
     
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  19. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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  20. KASE1228

    KASE1228 Fapstronaut

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    I have a question, I see a lot about porn addiction. I don’t know how much porn he still watches? So are these books and info based solely on this? Yes he is wanting what he saw in porn videos to be a reality so I know it has to do with porn but I just don’t know how much he watches.
     

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