Is it time to walk away?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by BigCatTunski, Oct 22, 2019.

  1. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

    So my and my ex-girlfriend have transitioned to a friends with benefits agreement (I suppose). This was not something I wanted, as I wanted to be with her officially, but she told me that she wants to focus on school.

    we’ve been together for four years, and I can’t envision loving life without her. Our lives are too intertwined for us to just forget about each other. Alongside this, throughout this transition period for us, she always says that I’m the only one she wants to be with and that she can’t picture herself with any other guy.

    As I figured this was a friends with benefits agreement, she still says and acts as if we’re still in a relationship. I’m in a constant state of confusion. She says she wants to dedicate all her time to school, so she can’t be in a relationship right now, which I understand, but I can’t help but feel like she’s toying with my emotions, because she knows that I want to be in a relationship with her.

    I’ve had friends tell me to just walk away. They say I need to let her go. They look at me and just shake their heads when they hear I’m still talking to her, but I honestly don’t want to be without her.

    I’d love to hear what you guys think of this, especially the women who indulge in NoFap. Where should I go from here?
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  2. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

    If she wants to focus on school then do that and cut the benefits. If she wants to be with you she will come around.

    If you give her exactly what she wants and then answer the booty call whenever she feels like it, why should she change her relationship goals
  3. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

    I had a conversation with a friend mine yesterday and this is the exact thing he said. So I think it’s the right thing to do then.
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  4. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

    SO here..Couple questions. Does she know about your addiction?

    If you guys have been together for 4 years and PMO has been going on the entire time, my guess she is protecting herself. This affects SOs pretty deeply and she might be just guarding her heart until she knows she can trust you and you are serious about recovery.
  5. Get_It

    Get_It Fapstronaut

    Sounds like shes happy with your role as second fiddle.
  6. As mentioned above... if she knows about your porn problem she is more than likely waiting for you to choose her instead of the porn.

    Another thing to consider... I don’t want to offend anyone but porn addicts are by far the most selfish terrible lovers. By only being friends with benefits perhaps she is using that as an excuse to have sex with someone who makes her feel desired and sexy. Perhaps she figures since you’ve been watching porn she’s not going to commit either.

    Whatever the reasons are my suggestion would be to walk away. You love someone who has decided they want to treat you like a boyfriend but are free to sleep with others. You’re not happy with this agreement so walk away. Not because you don’t love her, but because you respect yourself.
    Lilla_My, fadedfidelity and IamOlive like this.
  7. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

    the reason why we broke up has nothing to do with my addiction, but I will say that it kinda played a role. I realized that after I stopped PMO, I became more affectionate to her, which was a first to me because I never really emotions that way. I do believe she is trying to protect herself, all while trying to take care of herself, which I don’t mind. I just wish that we were still together while she made these decisions. But there’s nothing I could do to stop it. She’s going to feel how she’s going to feel regardless. But I still think it’s foolish of me to accept these terms, knowing full well that I don’t agree with it.
  8. hope4healing

    hope4healing Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    This is addict talk right're saying your addiction had nothing to do with you breaking up, but it had something to do with it. Maybe she loves you and truly wants to be with you, but she can see that you still don't quite 'get it.' Having a high number on your counter is great, but that isn't all recovery is about. Are you doing other things to work your recovery besides abstaining from PMO? To rebuild trust, it will take consistent effort on your part, and until she feels safe, she can't allow herself to be that close to you and vulnerable again...even if that 'safe space' is created by the idea that, for now, you're just 'friends.' Then, if you happen to relapse, it somehow softens the blow to her because after all, you're technically not actually a couple at the moment.

    I know, it seems ridiculous. Why would SO's play mind games with themselves like that? Because we will do all kinds of things to ease the pain of betrayal trauma, especially when we still love our partner and want to be with them, but we've been deeply hurt and don't yet feel safe enough to believe it won't happen again. I don't think your gf is intentionally "toying with your emotions." I think, for the time being, she's trying to find a balance between protecting herself from further harm and maintaining your relationship at a safer distance.

    Don't listen to your friends. I doubt any of them understand what it's like to work through betrayal trauma...

    Have you talked to her about this? Ask her what her intentions are.
  9. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

    Funny you say all this, because this is exactly what she told me last night. I guess I finally understand. Better late than never, but better never late. Thanks for this.
    IamOlive and hope4healing like this.
  10. nfphro

    nfphro Fapstronaut

    A friends with benefits agreement, where one person does not want it, is not a good agreement. Focus on school is not the real reason, why she withdrawed.

    The feeling, that one can't picture oneself with any other person is totally normal after a breakup. I am sorry, but be careful interpreting too much into it.

    Breaking up. Getting you both in a friends with benefits and acting like being in a relationship IS toying with you. I would strongly suggest that you should not let her treat you like that and that you do not treat yourself like that. This is confusing and the confusion is a red flag.

    I would suggest, that you take a clear stance here.
    If you want the relationship to go on. Tell her. If you don't want a friends with benefit thing with her. Tell her. If you feel, that's better than nothing. Don't do it. Do a friends with benefits, with a person you want a friends with benefits with.
    If you think, an addiction might be the cause. Ask her and have an open conversation. Ask her, if she wants a relationship with you, when you both work on it. If that is indeed the case. Be happy and do your work. If she still evades and does not commit to a relationship. Go. She does not want a relationship with you at that point.

    A relationship is commitment. If she can't do it. It is sad, but you should not torture yourself in the hope, that she might change her mind. Go your way. If you think, you have a problem with an addiction and you want to change it. Go your way and change it for you. This means you take responsibility. And i guarantee you, this is also the best bet, to get her back, if she wants it.
  11. BigCatTunski

    BigCatTunski Fapstronaut

    Bit of an update: we had an argument the other day, and it finally made me realize that we aren’t ready to be in a relationship. I’m not pursuing a relationship with anyone anymore. We’re on good terms after that argument. I can honestly say that I’m happy where we are right now. In terms of a friends with benefits, I think it can work, but only time will tell. Thanks for all the advice.

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