Is it unwise to have a female assist in the recovery process?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by startingfresh_90, May 23, 2020 at 1:39 AM.

  1. startingfresh_90

    startingfresh_90 Fapstronaut

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    Well ive started here for the same reason as everyone else.
    However, fairly recently my PMO resulted in a relationship breakdown and my long term girlfriend has moved out and although we haven't broken up we have separated for a while after she found some stuff on my phone while I was on last warning.

    Anyway, ive got a very very close female friend that ive known since we were babies.
    I think my girlfriend has told her whats going on, because my friend came over recently and gave me a lecture about the whole situation but then offered her support and told me she was ready to help if i needed anything to get through this.

    Given my issues, what do people think about involving a woman in the recovery process? I trust her completely and its a relief in a way that she already knows without the awkward conversation to bring it up. But I'm not sure if its the right thing to do or not.

    As an example, the kind of things she has suggested include installing some tracking and blocking software on my phone and laptop so that I'm accountable and just doing little things like being motivated to get up and go for a run together every morning so that i get up and get away from the computer.

    She is my best friend and now that she knows anyway I do want her help but I thought I would see what people here thought because my emotions are probably a bit bias.
     
  2. If I were you, I would look around for a male counselor or coach or accountability partner.
    Men need men in there recovery process, as women need women for theirs.
    It's a risk that things will mix up when you let a women help you in your sexual problems.
    In my opinion it's asking for problems if she is NOT a professional psychologist or something like that.
     
  3. startingfresh_90

    startingfresh_90 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the advice. I tend to agree with you on what youve said. One of the main reasons I want this friend to help is because she already knows. I would find it really hard to sit down and tell someone about this so its easier when she already knows. But the easy way is not always the best way.
     
  4. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

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    This is a good question. I think the issue is not just that she is female. The other factors are that she is one of your best friends in real life, not online, and she doesn't appear to be a person with a P or M problem herself.

    This recovery and change can be brutal. There's a lot of effort and discomfort. You're confronting hard truths about yourself. (Don't get me wrong, there can also be a lot of joy in the process.) It's hard work though, involving your most private thoughts or experiences.

    I think there's real value if your AP is

    1. A man. I'm saying this as a guy who has close female friends. But for this problem, there were things that I thought another man could understand, and that I would feel awkward telling even my best female friends. Sometimes you might have to work through things that are not so PC and frankly might make you look like a jerk. But you have to be honest and not afraid to say what's really going through your mind in order to come out better on the other side.
    2. Anonymous, without a connection to your friends and family back home, for the same reasons.
    3. Someone who has some of the same issues and is also working on recovering. Why? Because he will be invested in this too. It's a lot of time and persistence! It's not something where a well-intentioned friend can solve it for you as a favor with a few suggestions.

    It's really great that she is supportive and accepting and wants to help. I think you can accept her support and thank her for that. You could even keep her updated now and then, and she'll be proud of you. But I wouldn't involve her in the day to day battle. I would find a male AP here that can really push you and put in that work without a previous friendship that could be affected.

    Just my thoughts based on my experiences here. Good luck!
     
  5. Gmork

    Gmork Fapstronaut

    I told my best friend, who is female, and she has been fantastically supportive about it.
    But we talk about most things, and nothing is really off the table.
    I also spoke to a really close male friend, who just couldn't really get his head around it.
    It all felt quite judgemental, and I wished I hadn't mentioned it afterwards.
    It feels good to actually speak about it with somebody who you can trust.
    It's just a case of choosing the right person.
    Trust and empathy are paramount.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  6. startingfresh_90

    startingfresh_90 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice!
    I do agree with that.
    I dont think i would be looking to really get into the nitty gritty of pmo with her.
    But where I see her help being useful is in issues that relate to pmo addiction.
    She is a pt, so shes really interested in motivating me to get out and exercise to clear my head, even if that means banging on the front door and dragging me out on lazy days which are prob the most likely to relapse.
    And in terms of blocking/tracking software she is the only person i would trust to allow spyware and blocking software on my devices so if I did go down that path (which i want to do before i start losing willpower) it would need to be with her.
    But i do absolutely agree that there are some things that i need to keep amoungst the guys.
     
  7. startingfresh_90

    startingfresh_90 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the advice and I can relate about how good it is to have a supportive friend. She is good because she is hitting the balance between sympathy and support and tough love and telling me outright when im clearly in the wrong. I want to go down the path of having someone install tracking and blocking software on my devices and i feel she is the right choice for that because she does have that mix of sympathy and brutal honesty that my guy friends would not have.
     
  8. Marshall 5

    Marshall 5 Fapstronaut

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    Oh, in that case this makes sense. Sounds like you’re thinking clearly about that. She can definitely help with her PT experience, and if you would trust her with the blocking software, this could be a good plan. I might just keep her out of some of the other stuff, personally. Good luck!
     

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