Is masturbating to pictures of my girl bad?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by User of Name, May 13, 2020.

  1. User of Name

    User of Name New Fapstronaut

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    So I've debated genuinely asking this and decided to just make an account purely for this question. Anyway, I've been doing my research and it seems like the main problem with porn is the warped view it gives about sex and the over stimulation of our brain (this is an obvious simplification but it is only to explain my question). There is also the lack of imagination that comes with viewing porn as masturbation is a natural process that has been practiced for generations on end safely but high-speed internet porn has disrupted the balance. With this being said, me and my girlfriend used to partake (before the apocalypse that is Covid-19 happened) in consensual, safe sex with no problems (aside from some perhaps unsatisfactory and quick ejaculation time on my part lmao) and in terms of my sexual side, I was fine even with porn which we both use frequently. I am now abstaining from porn (on my own) in order to avoid any future problems I might have and to fix some personal issues I have along with seeing myself create a rabbit hole due to the quarantine and there being nearly nothing to do to distract myself. My question is, if I MO to pictures/videos of my girlfriend while imagining the whole script (as in the foreplay, the lead up to sex and whatnot) is that at all bad or as bad as porn? This of course with regulation set in place.

    The simple answer in my mind would probably be no as I'm imagining the whole narrative and causing my brain to make the connection with a physical stimulus instead of digital and basing it off real experience. The only problem I imagine is letting it get out of control and doing it frequently (in terms of it being unhealthy as in 2-3 times a day and or not being in control). Also might try just focusing on the stimulation and experimenting. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks in advance! (sorry if this was a bit over explained and or tmi Im very interested by this topic)
     
    Last edited: May 13, 2020
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  2. kaia

    kaia Fapstronaut
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    This is a really interesting question, but i feel that its one of those things that you will be the best person to answer for yourself.

    when it comes down to it, what you have to be 100% clearwith yourself about is your intentions. Are you just trying to find a way around your new standards for yourself (no porn), or are you intentionally trying to rewire an associative pathway in your brain? Or something else?

    first, what specifically are you trying to avoid or change or improve with your journey. You have to figure this out in depth. Dont think about what the goal requires or how much work it will take or how difficult it will be. It might not be as you expect, so dont let those things weigh in while you explore what it is you truly want for yourself, what standards you believe in and what kind of relationship you ultimately desire to have in this life. Take notes or record audio of your thoughts on all this, leaving as little out as you can. Then review it at a later time, maybe the next day and really prune it down to a solid statement or two. For example “i desire a relationship that is mutually exclusive, to respect and be respected as equals and to adhere to complete honesty” or “My goal is to be a reliable and thoughtful friend and family member, and eventually a compassionate partner that never abandons when things get tough”
    And then define by examples what you mean by these traits or qualities. You want to know without any confusion what it is you truly expect to get out of your efforts, so much that you could close your eyes and SEE in your mind a movie of such an example. Visualizing it helps you to define it too.

    once you have that figured out, you should be able to answer any of your own questions with critical thinking. For example, define specifically what masturbating to pics/vids of your girl means...

    * fantasizing
    * limiting your fantasy to the person you are with
    * self-stimulation (masturbation)
    * does this activity have any form of secrecy around it?
    * does your gf know about the pics/vids?
    * using an inanimate object or electronic device to view stimulus (this could be looked into as a form of dopamine stimulation in itself/glowing screen)
    * any other consistent factors about the activity in question
     
  3. kaia

    kaia Fapstronaut
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    I should probably go on to say that once you have the activity in question well defined, you can refer back to your goal, and even state it out loud. Then try to read out the definition of the questionable activity and record it. Maybe listen to it at a later time or even use the recording as your alarm the next day, to wake yourself up. Does it sit together without any contradictions? Does it sound like faulty reasoning or self-deception? Maybe run it by a trusted friend.

    either way, the process of defining both your goals and the act of using pics of your gf to masturbate may be enough to find any dissonance if it exists.
     
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  4. kaia

    kaia Fapstronaut
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    P.s. would really appreiate if you come back and share your findings, because this has been an issue for a few people i know that still haven’t quite done the work to answer for themselves.
     
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  5. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    Same boat, got pics of my wife and videos too.

    Should I delete them or not? It's hard for me to let go for some reason!
     
  6. User of Name

    User of Name New Fapstronaut

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    Just to respond to everyone, there's two parts to my main goal that I know are clear in my mind. Firstly, avoid becoming dependent on porn and or just general PIED. This way I dont have to be stressed out about trying to get out when im in too deep (which I know is the case for many on this site and I bid you all good luck). I have a very high sex drive and the main thing I wanna do is learn to control it. And that connects to my second goal of not putting my girlfriend under such duress or pressure for sexual favors. I've talked with her about it and we had a very long conversation made me realize some personal things but the main thing she said was that I dont seem very pushy anymore. There have been times where I've been pushy sexually and its my fault as a human being. She always left it off as me being "hormonal" as I am in my formative years and she's been understanding of that. Of course, I don't want her to feel that way so the main purpose of no porn is to not be dependent on the sexual aspect and have more of an emotional connection. Even in the short amount of time I've been doing this, I can tell there is a difference and retaining my urge to MO has given me some of the benefits. This might be a little personal but, last night I didn't even use her pictures but just purely fantasized about things we've done and things we could do and I feel totally fine. To answer your question on what criteria I have:

    * fantasizing - Depends on what you mean. Usually I just fantasize her and me and things I may like (also try to not focus on the stimulation aspect too much because it does seem I ejaculate very quickly and that only speeds it up)

    * limiting your fantasy to the person you are with - Yes of course that is one of my goals

    * self-stimulation (masturbation) - I mean yeah lmao

    * does this activity have any form of secrecy around it? - Not at all other than doing it on my own time so no one else has to see, we are very open about it to each other.

    * does your gf know about the pics/vids? - She indeed does she has pictures of me as well.

    * using an inanimate object or electronic device to view stimulus (this could be looked into as a form of dopamine stimulation in itself/glowing screen) - I can see this being the problem to which in my honest opinion its true I am viewing stimulus but the difference being the narrative is not being played out for me, Im imagining all the things that could happen (unlike internet porn which simply gives u the entire story with no need of higher brain function other than just watching)

    * any other consistent factors about the activity in question -
    Well currently im going to try to not use the picture stimulus and also extend the period of time that I abstain from MO'ing cause it seems like there are benefits to both not MO'ing and MO'ing. From what I've looked at both offer confidence boost, testosterone, functional sex drive, along with other benefits which I will not get into cause this reply is already way too long. This is of course with balance because I know with no MO being unmoderated it could present other problems such as increase risk of prostate cancer, could even have the opposite effect and bring your mood down and among other things, could make me even more sensitized and well we'd be looking at 4 second sessions instead of a 5 second session (a joke of course but I do have a problem extending the period of time). This is of course as long as it is safely done the way our brain was intended for it to be done and that being us imagining the whole story and not watching porn. In any case, Ill document my own personal findings further. Im pretty new at this so if anyone could refer to me where I could post this kinda of "log" of sorts id appreciate it. Please continue with your thoughts! Thank you in advance for your time.
     
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  7. kaia

    kaia Fapstronaut
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    Sounds like you have a good idea of your intention and goals, which is awesome. You could start a log here, i think, since youre in a relationship. There are a few others in this subforum. Just start a thread and post entries. in that
     
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  8. After your explanation, I cannot see any problem. In my opinion it's key that your girl is aware of your reboot/you M on pictures of her. I have my own experience in dealing with different sex drives in a really fulfilling relationship. I also know about the problem that it can be hard to fantasize without an external stimulus. In my case I have no idea if it's due to P or not. People are different. So, you have to find your way to deal with your issues. But let us know buddy! I'm interested to read how you manage it.
     
    Wugazi32 likes this.
  9. I would say no. The first time I fought this I moved from porn to erotica and masturbation. The 2nd time, when I found NoFap I went to just masturbation.

    Personal, I feel that at least for me, it's s gateway drug and that I can't totally trust my head in terms of fantasy. Maybe one day, but I've essentially written masturbation of for me.
     
  10. redemption7

    redemption7 Fapstronaut

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    I would advise against it, brother.

    I tried that just a few weeks ago when I was around a week into no-PMO. I thought easing the struggle was right and that replacing usual PMO triggers and content with content of my girlfriend was a way of re-wiring as I abstained. That was a massive cope. Your brain is still in the chains of this addiction and it will play tricks on you that make you wish it was this helpful when you play chess.

    It quickly deviated away from just masturbating to pictures of her, and at this early a stage in the program your thoughts will not simply cooperate with you, they will lead you astray. I spent the last few weeks trying to make it even a day or two of no-PMO once I relapsed.

    I am back on track now, though still early in the game. Take my advice and do not do this. Stay the path and do not let anything convince you into getting off of it until you are at least several months into the game. And when you have been in that long, you may have the chance of reasonably deciding what changes, if any, you can make to the program.

    Good luck and keep the faith, king.
     
  11. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Don't have time now to read beyond the OP but I'm just going to take this from a particular angle, which is the fact that there's a difference between real time and recorded interactions when it's mediated.

    Whether it's a still image or a video recording, I imagine a lot of girls would be okay because it's a recording of them rather than someone else. Strictly speaking though, going by the title of this sub-forum even what you're relating to would be to a particular moment that was recorded, through the two sense channels of visual and auditory information. So I'm not going to say "bad or not" but this is what is happening. Frankly I think it's also why AP on here or even group text is limited, it's mediated interaction that doesn't even involve talking or visuals.

    (As a side note and my thought on the lockdown, this is what the authorities are largely ignoring with the policy of social distancing. Obviously I understand infection, but they will never figure in the social ramifications and will also never answer for any negative effect they cause peoples lives in terms of psychological impact, people are treated as idiots that can only receive the most basic instructions without any modification or consideration of different circumstances. Irreversible psychological damage that may only be mitigated to an extent by extensive long term psychotherapy will never be compensated not will people for the most part even talk about it. This is of course what happens when things are viewed in material terms only. Of course, people with psychological problems do sometimes kill themselves.)
     
  12. Beloved98

    Beloved98 Fapstronaut

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    Thoughtful question for you...

    When you view porn, why not stick to one channel? One porn star? Or one website?

    The problem that occurs in the brain is you're "training" your brain, like a mouse in a cage to respond to the reward system a blue screen has to offer.

    Will you reject a person over a screen every time? Sometimes? Most of the time?

    You will be able to ejaculate to your SO's picture, but being with her won't be the same. If that isn't now, it'll get there.

    You're teaching your brain to reject the reality for the fantasy.

    She'll get the perfect angle in her pics won't she? She might even airbrush filter it. The lighting with be perfect. It'll be like looking at her best digital version.

    In person it isn't controlled and the mystery is gone. On a screen her angles could be any girl.

    Do you attach a fantasy to her pics? Do you pretend they are the girl you saw in the store? A coworker? A porn star you saw a few months ago?

    It sounds like you know something is wrong about it, but only you know what that is.
     
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  13. Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    Oh I was just reminded of this anecdote from media theorist Douglas Rushkoff. So he got an inspiration to write a whole book by watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. (bear with me I'll explain how it's relevant) Basically he figured the reason why they got into arguments so much is because they had too much plastic surgery. They all looked like they are in their late 20s but because of the surgery their smile looked like they are fixed, so when someone says something like "I just found out my daughter has cancer" and the person replying "oh I'm so sorry" sounds like they are not sincere because it looks like they have this smile on their face, but they are just always like that because it's just how they were surgically altered.

    The way this is relevant is the "picture perfect" situation is a static image that doesn't change, and that's what these women were going for. It's significant that this came from a media theorist because of my previous point basically, it's not in real time. Rushkoff even pointed out the fact that it's like they locked in this time/age in their appearance so it doesn't change or even move very well with this perma-smile. Some people would say it's always good to smile, but that's just not genuine. Real people just have different moods, you spend just one hour with someone and in the course of that time they could look and feel very differently, that's how it is in real life.
     
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