Is my husband worth the work?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by D Jane, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. D Jane

    D Jane New Fapstronaut

    I see so many here with husbands that are willing to talk, wanting to touch you, wanting sex. Mine is emotionally about 9. He launches a meltdown and RUNS. WTF? I can't talk to him. And now my 13 year old daughter is a parrot of him. ??? UGHHHH
    If I talk about family, us, marriage, emotions, they both attack me.
    My heart is not welcome. Anyone else in this boat?
    hope4healing likes this.
  2. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    What you see on here are men that have made the effort to better themselves. But in general, PAs do not desire sex or intimacy, and they certainly do not like to talk about why they don't. You will find that there are plenty of SOs here in the same boat as you.
    hope4healing, kropo82 and D Jane like this.
  3. D Jane

    D Jane New Fapstronaut

    They don't ever really change, do they? Damage is done?
  4. Helpmeout123

    Helpmeout123 Fapstronaut

  5. Just because your partner is where he is right now does not mean that real change is not possible.

    I also disagree that PAs (even when active) do not desire intimacy. Some do, they just have no idea how to have it. I know I craved it. Now post recovery, I am willing to do the hard work to create it (per my journal).

    I do think your husband needs more than his own efforts here. If he can start going to therapy preferably with a CSAT, that would be a first step. The important thing for you is to view every step he takes as a step towards intimacy. From where he's at, it sounds like he has a long way to go, think years.

    If he is taking zero steps, that's different. But make sure you look with artist eyes. Squint and look in the detail to see if there are any actions, no matter how small that he is taking.

    Ultimately, your decision about whether he is worth it or not is yours to make regardless of what steps he takes. I'm not advocating stick it out or throw in the towel. Not my place. But take a deep look and see if there is any effort no matter how small and if there is not, see if you can help him take that first step.

    Terry McGinnis, Koufax32 and Lilla_My like this.
  6. MisterDirection

    MisterDirection Fapstronaut

    I see this statement for what it is ...hurt, betrayal, anger, exhaustion, uncertainty, the list goes on. So I do not take offense at it. But understand it is a globalizing statement, my therapist educated me on that.

    My wife @IamOlive could add to my list for days I am sure.

    Your question of is he worth it....EVERYONE IS WORTH IT. Everyone has value, and not implying you are saying he doesnt. My point is YOU need to determine if he is worth it TO YOU.

    Know that you are not alone. You are not in uncharted waters. There is help and fellowship and love here. And most of all you are not crazy. You can not "fix" him only support him. He has to want to do the work and he has to do it, you cant.

    We are here.
    TheMightyQuinn, Koufax32 and Lilla_My like this.
  7. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

    Very well said. I guess we SOs just see the no intimacy part, not the buried desire to be intimate, to be spontaneous, to be passionate, to be close.

    I've noticed sex with someone with a porn problem is a bit pragmatic - you poke this, you rub on that. It's a bit like threading a sewing machine with steps and focus to make it through. Sometimes (read often) it's just so ardous that it gets impossible. I bet I'm not wrong when I agree that there must be a desire for it to be more than that, but how to accomplish it?
  8. I've read a little about what you've been though with your husband and how he suddenly stopped talking to you like he used to. I recommend a book that has helped save thousands of marriages including my parent's... It's called "The Five Love Languages" I've started listening to the audiobook and even though I'm not married it has helped me improve my romance life. Check it out.

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