Is my marriage over?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by LeoCapl, Nov 12, 2017.

  1. LeoCapl

    LeoCapl Fapstronaut

    Hello guys. Before I tell you a little about my story, I would like to thank you very much for the support and the existence of this group in my life.

    I've been using pornography non-stop for 15 years, started innocently with magazines and got to the point of cam2cam. As a teenager, I had some girlfriends but my love and sex life have always been a disaster. I lost my virginity with my current wife, an incredible person who's about to leave me. It took me a long time to realize the damage this was causing us.

    We have been married for 4 years. In the first year, maybe because of my total commitment in this relationship and on her, I did not use porn for good months and even without any sexual experience, I was surprised by my performance and ability. We lived an incredible life that began to collapse around the second year when I began to use pornography even more intensely than it had once been.

    I spent A LOT of money.

    By the end of our third year, she discovered that I was sustaining my addiction to a credit card that she had no control over and I ended up telling all my problem to her, which until then was "only" financial. I did not know that my poor sexual performance and my inability to show affection for her - strengths in our first year - were due to my addiction. There was a lot of resentment and hurt, but she supported me immensely. I started to go after more information about it and a new world opened up for me.

    It was 3 months until my first slide, earlier this year. Once again she was incredibly strong and helped me a lot in my resumption, which lasted again three months. After that, I realized that she was already more hurt, quiet and distant. It affected me a lot because in my head it was her duty to support me and always be happy with me. An innocent mistake I've made several times since.

    I came back with more strength to try to stop the addiction but in vain. I failed several times with my most recent failure two days ago (I am part of the 30 day challenge here in NoFap). I never spent 90 days without PMO. I use various apps like Fortify, BrainBuddy and hundreds of other information sources, but I have not yet been able to get the strength to stop it. Relapses usually last a day but are devastating.

    Since then I have always been asking my wife how she is feeling but she has also changed a lot since then, and she hardly opens up to me. Today I was stressed with this and we ended up getting into a huge fight. She brought several things that had happened a few months ago like the day I said I'm afraid if in the middle of that journey I find myself wanting to betray her and have sex with other people because my sexual experience is zero. Sounds crazy, right? But yeah, I said that. Since I said that, about 2 months ago, she's been checking my social networks for some hint of betrayal. The truth is that I have some friendships with women who I often talk on social networks, but my wife thinks I can betray her to these people. Just as I betrayed her online with porn and virtual sex.

    We find ourselves today in an absurd fight, with screams, punches in the wall and much resentment. At the beginning of this discussion, I said that our marriage will hardly heal because we are so broken that I no longer see how to go back and from there, several times during the discussion, we talk about ending the marriage.

    She even pulled a suitcase out of the closet and began packing her things. I'm really scared and without hope of reversing this time. I love her a lot, but I do not know how to help her while I do not even know how to help myself.

    What to do?

    Sorry if some part does not make sense, I'm still pretty confused by everything that happened. Thank you.
    STAR DUST and Duane like this.
  2. Jonny123

    Jonny123 Fapstronaut

    Love her!!
    LeoCapl likes this.
  3. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Have you done the 5LL test together yet?
    What are you doing for reboot?
    What are you doing to repair the relationship?
  4. LeoCapl

    LeoCapl Fapstronaut

    1 - No, we haven't done it yet.
    2 - My reboot consists basically of no PM at all + finding more meaning in my life. In terms of pornography, I've got rid off all the stuff that triggers me, blocked all websites, started to gather information. I've been following a strict schedule 4x a day to keep remembering myself why I want to quit porn in the first place. In regards to my overall life, I've been exercising more, I quit my job which was making me really anxious and tense therefore leading me to use pornography, well, to name a few.
    3 - I have been trying to listen to her more; to do things that generate some kind of newness in our relationship, to escape the routine, always thanking her for the support she is giving me. Some simple things that I feel able to do. I understand that I could do more and better, but I don't know how. I do not have clarity in my thoughts and I do not feel that I have the necessary discernment to take the appropriate actions towards a better relationship rather than taking care of myself first.
  5. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I'd start with doing the love languages test and exchanging the answers so you can see...
    Maybe overthanking her is crowded her and she needs acts of service instead or something...?
    Just a thought
    LeoCapl and Deleted Account like this.
  6. Hey @LeoCapl, I think what @Kenzi said is a perfect start!
    Why don't you introduce this site to your wife? Not only will she be able to find great amount of support here, but also new ways to help you.
    You might also need professional support, to built up again your relationship with your wife.
    Try to visualize yourself as a "Porn Free Man" loving your wife, set that picture as a target and focus on it, set your step-by-step way towards that AND stay on course.
    I'm wishing you the very best!
  7. Plutonium

    Plutonium Fapstronaut

    You don't say whether you have any children yet. If you do then you're going to have to try to figure it out for their sake. If not, I'm afraid it sounds from your description that your marriage is pretty much over. Best cut your losses now to avoid greater resentment later.

    I hesitated to write this, as there is always a tendency to try to make good of a bad situation and be positive. But I firmly believe that once a wife has lost trust in her husband it is nearly impossible to heal. And the most challenging time of a marriage is the first few years of children. I'm afraid your marriage does not sound strong enough to survive those years.

    If you do want to make it work you're going to have to rejoin the path of being a man. Cut out the porn sh*t, and get back to focusing on the three P's - provide, protect and procreate. That is man's lot on earth. Don't chase your wife and her emotions - you'll get lost in it. Be a man and lead. But to be honest - it will be a tough journey. Whether you want to make that journey is of course your decision.

    Good luck however you wish to go.
    Oscar17, Deleted Account and LeoCapl like this.
  8. John1964

    John1964 Fapstronaut

    You have to try and reconnect with your wife. You said the first year of marriage you didn't use porn. Give it time maybe you both get back those feelings you had when you first got married. I'm married over 26 years and we always said things we didn't mean in a heated argument. If you both truly Love each other and are committed to each other try not to give up and give yourselves to heal those hurt feelings.
    Hopefulgirl and LeoCapl like this.
  9. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    Hello there, I wanted to say something as far as this goes that I greatly disagree as a betrayed Wife. I had lost about every bit of trust with my husband after his affair and additional PA. He’s making great strides in rebuilding trust over the last 4 years and feel/know the trust is coming back. He’s been earning it, it hasn’t been easy and we have had some real ruff times learning to navigate it all. Rightfully so he’s had to put a lot of effort into it along with some serious communication upgrades. We have had to learn how to fight and disagree, when to yield and own our emotional actions towards each other.
    Some people do have boundaries that can be crossed decide to Work on it and some do feel that when these boundaries are crossed they are done with the relationship.
    You would be very surprised how many people do work on reforming and building a new relationship after betrayal and loss of trust. NoFap has countless SO’s here doing just that.
    Until one of them decides to walk out the door and shut it for good there is still hope.
    I know I had a roller coaster with emotions and went through periods of anger, sadness, withdrawal and even closeness, love and passion.
    Have you looked into Betrayal Trauma. It’s truly worth researching to understand what your wife maybe going through and may help open up the dialogue with her. Share it with her if she hasn’t heard about it herself. We can feel very confused with the thoughts and emotions and not know how to handle it all and withdraw too. It can become very emotional taxing on our mind, body and soul.
    Good luck to you on your journey and I truly hope you and your wife come together.
    Torn, Hopefulgirl, Broken81 and 4 others like this.
  10. Broken81

    Broken81 Fapstronaut

    @LeoCapl I do not agree with the above. I've had plenty of screaming matches, I've packed bags, I've felt hopeless. I'm the wife of a PA. Before you make any rash decisions you need to get professional help. Tell your SO you are serious about quitting PMO. Introduce her to the SO section of NOFAP. Only she knows if and what she is willing to do to save your marraige but she has to know that you are serious. My husband has done everything you have done, worse even. I'm trying my hardest to forgive him and forge a new and better relationship that isnt marred by PMO. You can do this too if your wife is willing. Tell her there are women here who can support her through this. All is not lost. Good luck to you.
    STAR DUST, Hopefulgirl, Torn and 4 others like this.
  11. LeoCapl

    LeoCapl Fapstronaut

    Hey guys, thanks for all your support.

    She already knows about here. The first time I sought support here earlier this year, she also did the same thing in the appropriate groups, but after my first relapse I put everything aside and tried to focus my recovery on my own. Terrible mistake. She realized that I was not so interested in recovery at that time and also left behind the support she needs.

    We do not have kids, we talked about it a little while ago, she's got a lot of interest, but I really do not see myself as capable now of dealing with a situation that demands such a responsibility.

    I believe that love is not lacking in our relationship, but I understand how broken she is. The last time I had a relapse, she even spent a few days without using our wedding ring.

    I also strongly believe that I can recover. All my relapses were very fast - devastating - but quick and getting back on track right away. But she has lost confidence in me, I think this is no longer a problem of watching pornography or not, it is trust. She must believe I'm not lying to her anymore, even though I've done it over and over again with pornography.

    We have not spoken since the fight yesterday. Always after these fights I end up trying to fill that empty space and talking to her, but this time I want to give all the necessary space and when she feels that she should talk to me, she does.

    I have a plan to try to regain her confidence, first through changes in our routine. I slept on the couch tonight because I do not feel worthy to sleep with her on the bed. When she feels that confidence back, she puts me on her side again. I need to feel this shock in reality. And from there, little by little we create that trust.

    I watched videos and read about Betrayal Trauma. I fully see our relationship there, especially all the Mismanage Pains stages I had: defensive (when she opened up to tell me what she was feeling), intellectualizes and withdrawal (I can not make her happy, the best thing I can do for her is divorce her).

    I'm really focused on my recovery, including starting therapy this week. But I feel that in the middle of the way this became very selfish and I left her aside. When she opened herself, I treated her with anger and now I do not know if I have more time to reverse this.

    I'm sorry for what's happening to you and your husband. I totally see my marriage there too. I wish all the best for you. Thanks for your support.
  12. Hey @LeoCapl how are things holding up at your side man? Hope everything will be alright..
    Deleted Account likes this.
  13. LeoCapl

    LeoCapl Fapstronaut

    Hey @SSGSSV77 , thanks for asking. Things are going surprisingly good. I am being really cautious. Trying to think as much as I can before I speak and still giving as much space as she needs to heal herself while offering her a comfortable environment to do so. I followed every advice you guys gave me, starting by watching all those videos about Betrayal Trauma and diving into this subject. We watched one of the videos together, she started to cry, I didn’t want to dump a bunch of question on her but it was pretty clear that she saw us there.

    I also started to read about The 5 Love Languages, really interesting. I’m not a big fan of this kind of subject but I’m not in the best conditions to choose that, although I’m really enjoying it.

    Today she made one of the best compliments ever, she said that is impressed with my willpower to overcome this and that makes her really happy.

    I can say she is hanging on with the best she has and obviously she’s not fully happy and satisfied, but so far we are both satisfied with the way things are going to. I developed a tight schedule for myself to keep busy and also constantly reminded of my recovery. A couple of weeks ago, I couldn’t imagine that the actual scenario would be that hopeful.

    Bottom line: NEVER GIVE UP.
  14. John1964

    John1964 Fapstronaut

    That's good to hear, as long as you are both satisfied the way things are going there is hope. Just don't give up on one another.
    LeoCapl likes this.
  15. Yeah man, thats the spirit !! I'm so happy that things are going good between you & your wife!! You're really trying hard & I really appreciate it !! I cant thank enough for this community, it has brought all of us together so that we can heal as a whole!! Keep going brother!!
    Deleted Account and LeoCapl like this.
  16. Get rid of all social media and media addiction until after you are 90 days sober. Love her as best as you can during that time: write letters, buy flowers, go places together, eat together.
  17. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    Is it worth it?
    (@LeoCapl watch her response)
  18. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    Yes, or I wouldn't have stayed. He had to put the effort in and work on rebuilding the trust.
    18 years ago we were made a promise to be friends first and be honest with each other. That was our foundation and we stuck to it for years.
    Somehow along the way PA wiggled it's way into our life. Huge mistakes and betrayal s happened. We went through 4 years of affair recovery. We had ups and downs, it completely gutted me. I'm not going to get into the whole story as it would take all night. I had no trust for him, I wanted to but I hated myself, I was afraid I was going to let him destroy anything that was left of me.
    We had so many fights, cries and each of almost walk out the door many times and we came back to each other.
    I found it hard to believe anything he said with one exception is I knew he was genuinely remorseful, that was clincher for me.
    Fast forward, when I found out the other porn related habits I was ready to walk and he knew it.
    We sat on the porch. I told him I will stick with him with the conditions of 100% transparency, 100% honestly, we work together to get help and it won't be short term either. He agreed, we have many talks, I know he hasn't lied as he's setting the record straight on past lies big and small.
    I feel the most respected with honestly, that's my #1 love language and he knows it. I can only forgive and move on from what I know.
    I have my husband back and he's becoming more of the man that I fell in love with 18 years ago. I'm not digging for information or looking at him suspiciously. I feel more secure with him then I ever had. So yes, it couldn't have been more worth it.
    Does that answer your question?
  19. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

  20. Jennica

    Jennica Fapstronaut

    I will add, we wouldn’t have gotten to this point of feeling like it’s worth it if he didn’t make the real honest comment to himself and our marriage.
    With the real change he’s made, if you had asked me that question a year ago, I couldn’t have said that then but I feel it now.
    In the years of affair recovery, after the countless books and such saying it was possible to better Than before I wasn’t sure I completely believed it then but that time he didn’t fully make full commitment. This time I put the ball fully in his court and he ran with it and is continuing to do so, in short that’s what I asked of him.
    I will say I have a solid boundary with the cheating. If it were to happen again I’m gone, no discussions about it.
    If he relapses with porn as long as he’s honest and transparent we will work through it together. We have a system in place that’s working for us, we have been able to work through side issues and stresses from everything we have learned from all of this.
    My husband is my best friend and my partner in crime. We have traveled the world and have had many adventures together. We have over come tragedies outside of our own doing in 18 years together. We both believe our marriage is worth fighting for.
    He has true remorse and regret for his behavior and without that we may have had a different outcome but we both chose our love and at this stage what we build now is even stronger than it was.
    Do I still get triggered, yes but I can handle it far better now. We can communicate about our triggers and support each other when we need to. It took a lot time and hard work to get to this stage and am truly grateful for it.

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