Is my marriage over?

Curious - @Jennica - when did you start to see this (remorse)?

I'm still the target (at times) of blame (his actions are his choices - but he deflects all the time).

We are facing formal therapeutic disclosure in 9 days. I just know I will hear acting out behaviors he hasn't confessed. So many women have told me "there's always more" --- tough times.

 

My DDay was with his cheating, I know him very well and as he puts it I probably know him better than he knows himself.
I could see/feel the remorse all over him, his eyes, body language tone of voice.
If he was cold in anyway I would have left Him on the spot.
The “always more” for me (and I knew there was at that time) was the depth of his porn use. The cheating was a symptom of his PA.
Anything surrounding porn was incredibly hard to get him to talk and share with me.
The other shoe that dropped was when I found his special collection and that’s when everything came to a head for us. Until then he was still getting defensive, deflecting and so forth about somethings and that’s when I started to notice red flags about porn while were going through our affair recovery.
The defensiveness, deflecting and anger about anything having to do with porn was his guilt and shame of all of it. He had at times still “blamed” me but not to the degree as when his affair took place. He still had a couple of big secrets that was the depth of his porn use.
Everything has fallen into place for the most part and I can see a clearer big picture of it. I’m ok with information not coming out all at once at this point as it’s the filler stuff and I understand that he won’t be able to remember all tidbits. New little things are still coming out in discussions and that’s fine.
I do feel as far as anything “big” has been disclosed. The big secret wasn’t the cheating and now that we are dealing with the big secret, it’s in the open everything else is a lot easier to handle.
After DDay #2 it’s a huge shift in him. I don’t see or feel the angry selfish PA anymore. He’s free of his secrets and now we are moving forward.
I hope this helps and answers your question.

 

Hugs!

 

Thank you!

 

@LizzyBlanca

I think I can answer a little bit better as it is now after DDay #2.
He stopped the lies, even the little ones and is correcting even the little lies he had told me during the AR. As he put it he wanted to “soften the blow” but that caused more damage to both of us and that made the affair recovery so much harder and drawn out.

DDay #2 we both learned from the mistakes made in our AR.
He’s no longer in denial about PA and is taking responsibility for all of his behaviors.
No more excuses, justifications and bad rationalizations.
He’s in a clearer frame of mind so the remorse and shame is even stronger for him now and you just can’t fake that on that level.

 

RATHER IT'S OVER OR NOT MAKE THE DECISION, AND COMMITMENT TO QUIT PORN FOREVER. IF SHE LEAVES. CUT THE ADDICTION WHILE SINGLE, AND WHILE WITH THE NEXT PERSON. HOWEVER, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT.

 

ASK YOURSELF. IF YOU WERE A WOMAN WOULD YOU STAY WITH YOU, OR WANT TO BE WITH YOU. BE FAIR DON'T USE YOUR LOVE AS AN EXCUSE TO BE A MEDIOCRE PARTNER. IF YOU KNOW YOU ARE HALF ASSING IT, ALLOW HER TO MOVE ON AND DON'T WASTE HER TIME, BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE WON'T ABUSE HER AND BETRAY HER. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR LET HER GO.I SAY THIS BECAUSE I HAD TO GET MY SHIT TOGETHER AND LET IT GO. THE PORN THAT IS. THE RELATIONSHIP WILL HEAL ITSELF ONCE YOU PATCH THE HOLES IN THE BOAT BY BEING REPULSED, AND ENDING PORN FOR GOOD. YOU MUST CHOSE HER OR THE PORN. YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH.

 

DOES YOUR HUB STILL WATCH PORN?

 

He has been clean for over 2 months. He is breaking a lifetime of porn abuse and a fetish addiction.

 

THATS GREAT! HOW IS THE RELATIONSHIP NOW?

 

Thanks! Feel free to read my journal in Partners Support, I don't want to clog up @LeoCapl's post with my ramblings

 

I think I did clog up @LeoCapl 's post with my question and I'm sorry for that.

@Jennica - your insights helped a great deal. I will send a private message.

One thing that may help @LeoCapl --- each individual must be healthy to have a healthy relationship. You only have control over yourself. Become clean with the addiction, be honest, take care of yourself.

Your wife will need to heal herself too.

 

That’s really good to hear!
I’m happy for you that your first session was a good one, keep up the honest work!