Is "sex positive" an excuse?

bewildered2 · Dec 8, 2018

ukbritishbloke said: ↑

No, you're not a prude. Yes, the "sex positive" thing is an excuse. And especially with your PTSD, you have serious needs he has to pay attention to.

I'm a man with many fetishes, and I think it's hard to tell whether fetishes like wanting to wear panties and be controlled by you are inside him or porn induced or else a mixture. You can only find out if he gives up porn.

You're very understanding and open minded about his fetishes. You are the sex positive one. I think you need him to give up porn, and then you can see. The big issue will be trust. It sounds to me as if he has quite a bad case of PA.

One possible tool for you might be to use his fetish as an incentive. For example I think really wearing your clothes is a less problematic behaviour than watching porn about that sort of thing. You could (if you feel okay with it) make clear to him that you're okay with taking that further *in real life with you*, shopping for feminine clothes with him, doing make up with him, whatever you're comfortable with - as long as he gives up porn. If he really did that, I imagine he'd lose some of the porniness of it and at least you'd begin to feel you were in a relationship with a crossdresser and not a PA. I'm not saying that's ideal.

You can also try to "turn" fetishes. For instance if he's really into a certain kind of clothing I think it's *just possible* for him to start getting into the idea of you in it rather than himself. But I think he needs to give up the porn for that to work.

Finally it's another long shot but just possible that you could use his femdom fetish to create some positive change, *if you want to*. You could suggest to him that you try a genuine female-led relationship where you're the boss. But that if he agrees, that means everything really will be *your way* and that includes you deciding what he wears, what type of sex you have, whether he ever watches porn and so on. There's no reason you should want this but if you did, you'd soon find out if he really wanted you in charge or if it's just PA.

But it may just be that this is hopeless and that you're not compatible. Given your own emotional needs, I think you're fully entitled to decide that you want a reliable, trustworthy and more sexually traditional man, and to go out and find him. A man who's really "sex positive" might have some fetishes of his own but I'm sure would also be very positive about having missionary sex with you.
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Thanks for the replies everyone! I did end up leaving the relationship, and finding a truly wonderful man who I am very compatible with, in all ways. I wish my ex well, but now seeing what a truly healthy sexual life is like, I know for sure that his SA and MA are very serious issues that I’m not willing to destroy my own life over.

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Is "sex positive" an excuse?

bewildered2 Fapstronaut

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