Is something wrong in my head, or I am just stupid?

Hello, I don't know if this is right posted here, but anyways.

This is long, so I would understand if you guys don't want to read it all.

In Octuber 2018 I realized that I was having porn addiction problems when I was having 300gb of HD porn and cutting parts to save space, which took me hours and hours of editing. Since then I'm triying to abstain from PMO and I always relapse in the third day and the reasons why have no sense, but at the same time they have...at least to me, and makes me wonder if something is wrong in my head.

I don't believe in self diagnosis, like teens saying they have "depression" just because they are slightly sad. But I think I have some compulsive/obsessive thing that makes me overthink simple thinks, and make connections with other things in order to give them value, and specially with the streak. This makes the recovering harder to me, because if I feel that X streak counting day doesn't match with some weird stuff or day of the week, then I should relapse, and it drives me crazy though I now that it won't make difference later. I won't list all of them because they're many, but I'll give some examples:

The "three" has some weight to me, idk why, but reminds me to the meaning "three's a crowd" and to the "Three Musketeers", and the "law of three". I usually relapse in the third day. I regard reaching the sixth day as good, since it reminds me to "The Sixth Day" movie and surprisly, I also find good movies on tv in that day.

It's been like this for almost two years, and I said 2020 would be different, and when I relapse in January 6th, I keep triying until Autumn, when I said it would be different because I like Autumn and I wouldn't "corrupt it". I relapse in April, and the same happens know with Winter. I said "Winter will be definitely different, It's stronger than Autumn and so I am", and guess what, I relapsed last night. This same week my mom was diagnosed with Covid-19 and I'm taking care of her, and I felt like shit last night beating the meat while she was suffering in the other room.

Now I'm in a pointless dilema. As I relapse last night, and binge until 5am, I now this day doesn't count in terms of time accuracy, but I also regard the beginning of the day at 8 AM when I wake up. The first half of this year was a disaster, and I want to set things right with the other half, July 1ST, that begins in Wednesday and that day I would have complete 6 days of streak, reminding me the first six months, and doing the 7th which is also July 1th, again, the other half of the year, but also is weird seeing the number "1" of July and knowing that it's not the first day, but the 7th, and it burns my head.

So, again, is something wrong, or I am just incredible stupid? I feel like shit everytime I relapse and worse knowing the retard reasons why. I lose appetite, and I feel unworthy of everything.

Thanks for reading if you did.

 

Yeah I forgot to mention it but I deleted them all in November 2018. Though when I relapse I always download shitload of them and, again, delete them all.

 

Because it became an addiction, and I realized how much time takes me away. besides, sometime happened to me years ago, and I think this is related to it.

I want to feel better, alive, being better too, but is damn hard and I lack will power. But leaving everything as it was before is much worse.