Is there a hope?

Hey pornfree4ever,
I like your username. Thats one ingredient into a happy relationship.

On a date you don't have to perform. Rather be curious as much as you can. Interested people are interesting.

 

Hope isn't something that "exists". You can only create it. You can give up, become a failure and go downward spiral - then there is really no hope. Or you can change the situation - at that moment, there is hope all around you. So, if you don't change, nothing will change... and you can predict how it will go... So, let's say you will change yourself. 2 main takeaways, you might see other ones. Either you start interacting with the outer world more - so you raise your chances that you will meet the girl that will start a relationship with you (chance is not extremely high - you must do everything to increase it). Or you can solve your problems & change as a person. Hard to real but it is a reality. From your post, you lack confidence, trust, self-value and social interaction skills (maybe other). It is extremely easy to rationalize that it is good - but it isn't. Yeah, there probably were some life events that taught us to be careful, to trust mainly ourselves. But if we explain these events badly, exaggerate - it does only bad... There will be no betrayal if you have a person who loves you deeply. You can be 120% relaxed if you have around you believable and responsible people. Yeah, they might not be - but at the first sign you would notice (before the fire is on the roof) - you would cut them off. Social interactions/dating don't have to be a chore if you know how to do that - and enjoy it!!! Is English not your main language? Good! Foreigners are sexy! My main goal is to inform you that your main ideas/values might be terribly wrong - based on bad explanation and rationalization afterward. Of course might not be - but just the fact that being alone is a problem shows that they probably are wrong. Why not change? Why not start believing in people? Why not overcome past traumas/whateverHappened and become a great person again?
The fact you didn't learn it in youth doesn't mean you cannot shine now - you are in a great situation! And you can pull out so much leverage!

So, there is hope for you, definitely. If the goal is just to keep and hold relationship - SPAM REMOVED (spam code #001) - REPORT TO MODERATION. If the goal is to create a new relationship - there still are chances (but the possibility a loving woman will ring on your front door is near to zero) so you have to increase them. But sure-fire is to change yourself. Not only you will benefit extremely, but immediately thousands of doors open to you

good luck, stay strong

P.S. This post is not to offend you Just to show you perspective not many people give on this forum

 

Maybe I misunderstand something, but I see a contradiction there. Do you just want to use a female body because you need to satisfy your sexual urges or do you want to connect to a woman on an emotional level and experience sex with her out of a need for intimacy and affection?

 

Sorry for misunderstanding It is not always 120% sure to understand your background from 10 sentences. But in case you would be missing social interaction just a little - my opinion stands. If you don't - there are monks! And hey - it is a lifestyle! Nobody (neither me) can discourage you from that - it is your life and whatever you do, it is your opinion. Being social and having relationships is a waste of time? Don't do it then! Monks, celibacy for life, purity, brahmacharya - these and more things exist. Go, research and practice - it has its benefits. And many people live that lifestyle.

Then turn it down - it is possible - so do it. You won't be annoyed anymore!


One more thought -

Yeah, little of emotional connection does grow through physicality, but not enough for a relationship. Way not enough. Literary sounds like "The only reason I want a woman is to f$ck her - then throw her into a garbage can. Later if I wish - reuse her again...". Like case for PMO, escorts - sorry to say that, but not many women will initiate a relationship with a man that wants just to f#ck her - they can smell that and don't want to destroy their lives - and this is the reason escorts are there. But there are still some that will go into this. Just to promise they will cheat on you, betray and do another bad stuff (or you will win life lottery with jackpot and find really woman that will do this). But women don't want to be just objects. Like, little empathy here - would you initiate a relationship with someone just to (like a slave) satisfy their sexual urges and get fed? Then literary nothing?

But, even from your response, it seems to me that you are rationalizing... You are a smart, intelligent person. And your brain is smarter than you think. Meaning that you are rationalizing, denying and lying to yourself, trying to convince your opinion is right. Like deep down you want something - maybe a deep connection with a woman, greatly loving that you could share your life with (just a presumption, not the main part of this idea), then you remind "aha! I didn't engage in a social interaction here until my 30 and I got it right so far!" so then you rationalize that not engaging will only help you, then you are here. There are small submodalities and differences showing that your opinion is not concrete-tight and that you don't believe it 120%

Little, but shows that you want an emotional connection, all above you are writing that it is a waste of time that should be avoided. You are writing you want just sex - and refuse to go to escorts (which are build to that). Like, deep down it seems you want an emotional connection and this is just a facade intended to hide weaknesses (we all have that).

Deciding to not get into social interactions is everybody's decision, and I respect that. And I hope, I might be totally wrong and again there is "a third variable" because otherwise, it means that you are really deceiving yourself, rationalizing and again lying to yourself. Holding tight to experiences that you have learned and not willing to admit that your opinion is wrong. And this probably is your life showing you the incongruency. This is where I should "hope" - you won't see that self-deception from your eyes at first. It is not so easy to know and be like "Hey! I am deceiving myself!" And questioning that believes can lead to more rationalization (but it is solvable). But tell me, did you ever honestly thought and have a conversation on a topic "I can be totally wrong and I am heading down deep cave"? If yes - then okay, whatever works for you. If not...

Again not meaning to offend you, just to give a mirror to what you have written.

good luck, stay strong

 

You will get to touch and kiss a sex worker too, that doesn't necessarily mean they are physical expressions of affection and intimacy, like you said yourself. Just because you had sex with a woman who you paid to have sex with, doesn't mean you have built an emotional connection with her. Cuddling, touching, kissing can only mean something if you have built some kind of emotional connection (it doesn't have to be love) with another person before being physically intimate with them. If you are uninterested (not necessarily unable) in emotionally connecting with someone else, then I doubt you can ever have sex with affection and intimacy.

 

There is definitely hope. One new person you meet can make you a part of a huge social network in a matter of hours. I had a similar path, i was very closed off from people, telling myself that i dont need nobody. I didnt understand value of relationships before others reached out to me and i started to change(a little) to make it work. There are algorithms for attraction that can be internalized. I didnt want to change and accept them until love was right in front of me. It was like learning a new language i guess. Its still a chore, some people just dont see it that way cause they already have paths in their brain developed that turn that chore into good feeling even before payoff.

 

I can see your point now, I agree with you that there is a difference between paying someone attractive to have sex with you or having someone attractive want to sleep with you because of reciprocated physical attraction. Still, in my opinion, the end result is the same. If someone looks at you and thinks you are so attractive that they want to sleep with you, that might feel flattering on some level, but really it's just meaningless attraction based on your looks, you still become an object to satisfy someone's sexual needs, and vice versa. And that superficial physical attraction can also be expressed by wanting to touch you and kiss you, without it meaning anything deeper other than wanting to be close to (intimate with) a sexually attractive body.

You develop feelings for a person, not a body. If your strategy is to built a personal relationship through sex, maybe that might work better for you, if you know each other "physically" already.

I think there are different levels of emotional connection, maybe the first level is a simple sympathy, someone is interesting enough to keep engaging in conversations and talk about shared viewpoints/interests. The more shared viewpoints/interests/hobbies/type of humor/mentality/personality traits, the more I 'click' with someone emotionally, and the deeper I feel connected to someone emotionally. If that someone happens to be the opposite gender, then emotional connection might turn into romantic and/or sexual attraction.

I think intimacy is very different from affection. Intimacy can be an expression of affection, but not all intimacy is affection. Intimacy means being close to someone, physically or emotionally, or both at the same time. You can be physically intimate with another women because you want to be close to a sexually attractive body, touch or kiss a sexually attractive body and see/hear that attractive body react to you, but none of this has anything to do with wanting to be close to the person that is behind that attractive body, that would be genuine affection.

I hope this wasn't too much rambling and might have helped you a bit.

 

Feeling not interesting enough on a date is actually more common than you might think.
There really is only one thing to solve this: become comfortable with yourself.

Most people love to talk about themselves, even if it's subconscious. Don't be afraid to ask and when you ask listen. Don't be afraid to answer when they ask you in return.

You worry you have no interesting stories? Start doing things you have not done before. Interesting things happen by accident rather than through planning so go out an try to be curious and open.
For a while my favorite story to tell was how I went on a aquarobic session for 65+ women, by accident. They came in to the pool while I was swimming, apologized for the inconvenience and invited me to join. And I did.

What we experience is what makes us interesting so if you think you are not experiencing enough then I would suggest to only go home to have dinner and sleep if you can help it.

 

Well, because they are. That's why we got to keep looking. One thing that you definitely should do, no matter your interests, is do something for your body. Assuming you have not already. Even if you hate it. When you take care of your body, your body will take care of you.
Find a way that makes it convenient and don't try to overdo at the beginning. Exercise is something that is fairly difficult to get into if you haven't done any in a while.

Not only will you feel healthier and more confident, you will start to enjoy things you didn't before. Things that seemed like a chore before become easy.

I'm talking of my own experience here. I didn't know what to do, I was pretty depressed and just could not find a path I'd like to follow. Had no sense of direction.
Then I just signed up for Yoga classes. Just once a week so I don't overcommit. I hated Yoga and I'm still not a big fan but what it did was it got me used to actually moving my body. Fastforward a few months and now I exercise every day! It's just 30mins/day in the morning but it makes so much difference.

Something I read here on this forum was a Picasso quote:
“Inspiration exists, but it has to find you working.”

I'm rooting for you!

 

Not necessarily. Platonic love it a term for a reason.

 

I've had similar thoughts to those (not the English Part), but being boring, having nothing to talk about, how dating seems like a chore. I certainly haven't solved all of them (not even close). But I can now have an interesting conversation with women far far more than I used to. The only thing I did was make an effort over and over. You may have to make a lot of bad conversations before you start to make good ones.

Some women will pay attention, others will ignore you. Either is OK. The point is to get good at listening (if they are talking it takes a lot of pressure off of you, and people like to talk), and keep improving on your side. If you keep getting out of your comfort zone, you'll have interesting stories to tell (they'll start piling up and you'll have a bag to pull from), but it does take courage each day.

One tiny step is enough for today.