My sensual lust has been something of a rhizome out of which all kinds of abominable behaviors grew, leaving me with a ruined life. My psychological state deteriorated completely after I cheated on the woman I loved, all because a random girl gave me some attention. In another bout of seeking pleasure and novelty, I quit a job that I loved, where the people welcomed me like I was family, because I wanted to move to Colorado to smoke weed (a habit which intensified as an escapism after the relationship that I left in ruins). Before leaving my job I also gave the cat that I had adopted back to the shelter. Because I cared for nobody and nothing, only where I would get my next toke. Since then I have even had job offers. Two of them I quit before I had my first day, the other one I quit after six months after throwing a fit. My past is always on my mind, the past that should also be my present, had I not thrown everything away like a childish idiot, and I find myself rejecting any new possibilities. Guilt, shame, and regret prevent me from being in the present. All I really think about is dying, and the wiping away of all these memories. It is not quite as easy as simply dropping the past. Rodia tried to do that in Crime and Punishment but could not find peace until confessing to his crime. But who am I supposed to confess to? The cat god? Nothing that I have done is illegal, but merely shameful. Still I have not told my girlfriend what I did. Perhaps this would be a starting point.