Is there any hope?

I fear that I have lost all hope and am now just running on fumes. I can’t seem to find the drive to or inner determination to stop myself. Today as I thought about all that P has done to damage my life one truth came to the surface. It was my choice P damaged my relationships rather I damaged my relationships with others by choosing P. I choose P over the people that I loved the most. I choose the shame of P over the lasting love and tenderness of a good woman because the relationship would require work and vulnerability, but P requires none of that. At the time I didn’t see it this way, at the time I saw myself as the hero (I know what a bunch of bull) by saving the woman from dealing with my crap. But now I see that there is no nobility in running from the tough and uncomfortable situation and conversations. Yet... even with ALL of this knowledge and understanding I still looked at P today. Someone please tell me what the @$@& is wrong with me.

 

Poem of the P addict

I miss the days of youth and innocence
When ignorance was my greatest defense

The days were long and simple too
Instead of cloudy complex and blue

For now i’m lost in the shades of gray
That plague the moral campus all day

I’ve lost, I’ve won
I’ve even flat out run

But something dark and shapeless calls
It begs and claws until one falls

And so i’ve lost this fight again
And now shame screams within

And yet one question still remains
Is there hope... to heal...my inner pains

 

Thank you for your words of support. Have you overcome PMO in your life?

 

Honestly, That’s fair we are all trying to figure this out. Sincerely thank you for being willing to lift me up today. I pray that god may bless you for it.