Is there any hope?

1. if abstaining from masturbation creates fear and tension and shame, maybe it's time to rethink your goals and why you have them. Is it masturbation that you want to quit, if so why? Is it just porn?

2. therapists are great at finding the sources of emotions. It's obvious that it's no nofap that's causing them, but they're connected somehow with your relationship

3. Keep being honest with her - odds are, depending on your age, she appreciates it. Just make sure to balance being honest and dumping no her. She's not your therapist and not a black hole to absorb your emotions.

long story short - yes there is hope. But don't blame nofap or going 7 days without jerking off. That's not the cause of the problem, it's at best tangental.

 

Any type of addiction can mask underlying conditions. These conditions become more obvious the further along you are in recovery and need to be addressed as well.

If your addiction was severe, as you stated, then what you're experiencing could be withdrawals. Since emotions/feelings come before logical processing, you could be attributing those feelings of withdrawal to that of your relationship, especially if you and your girlfriend are close.

Are you in therapy? This aspect is important in recovery since a therapist can help address any underlying problems that led to the addiction, and can help address feelings you are having during abstinence.
There are a whole lot of feelings you don't experience with real life when you are addicted to something, so it can be really confusing to deal with on your own. It would be good to have someone help guide you through this. If therapy is not an option, finding group meetings dedicated to sexual addiction recovery and an accountability partner would be good as well.

Don't give up hope. You are capable of healing. Best of luck to you.

 

@letsgetitdone Firstly, yes, I have experienced what you are experiencing. However, what I experienced is not exactly what you are experiencing right now. We are, after all, different people, right?

Anyway, what I have learned is that any sort of negativity toward your mate is not because of your mate. You must remind yourself of this right fact right away and always. You are an addict, that implies that your mind is not in an optimal state. In a sense, your optimal state is watching P. Now, we know that that is not true on a "bigger" scale. We know that there is a much better state that one's mind can be in. Whenever you have feelings against your wife remind yourself that it is not because of her. Based on what you described in your post there is no possible way it can be because of her.

You are getting out of equilibrium, a state where your brain is used to PMOing. You will feel your mind and body screaming out because of this. There is no other way. When you accept this fact you will find yourself in a better state of mind, still not optimal, but relatively better than the state you are describing in your post. Your brain and your body are in a state of "stress". It is like your brain and your body are registering that you are in a state of danger because PMO was your life (and now gone), it was the life of the brain and the body. You will find that you are out of equilibrium for awhile, but you must remind yourself why you are dropping PMOing.

That primary reason why is for you, not for your mate. This one is especially hard to swallow. I have struggled with this for years, literally. If you are doing it for your mate you may feel like she is making you do it, and it will further those feelings against her. No, that is not good. On the other hand, if you do it for yourself, for the flowering of your life, you will feel that you are becoming worthy of the love of your mate. You will become competent, and you will not have to stress about whether or not you are hurting her.

So, you said you love her. Remind yourself of this all the time. Now, the problem remains yet, in how the heck to get through this state of stress of recovery? There are many avenues. For me personally, I focused primarily on "nature-izing" myself and meditating (all kinds of meditations: guided, silence, with music, etc.), and taking long walks. There is also a simple practice of just sitting outside, in nature (even in a city), not doing anything. You don't do a darn thing but sit there for at least four hours. The objective of that is to "deal" with your compulsive nature, which is a big part of addiction. There are any number of activities one can do.

If you have any questions about what I shared here feel free to ask.

I hope that you can develop a beautiful relationship, we need more of those in this world. Be well!

 

You are welcome and I hope those strategies help you!

 

Hi @letsgetitdone - thanks for sharing your story, and let me give you my perspective of a 40+ year addiction to pornography (you can take a look at my journal which is extensive if there's interest) where I went for months or years of being porn-free due to different resolutions and (prior) religious convictions.

Over the course of the past 3 weeks it is very different this time around, not the least of which is accountability (my spouse and I talk ever few days about how I am doing, I have a 2x/day accountability partner through this site) but also what I've learned through reading about porn addiction (my major problem over the past 20 years of being married was that I did not consider myself an addict, I made all the usual justifications / rationalizations / minimizations if that's a word).

Listening to Matt Dobschuetz' excellent Porn Free Radio, this morning I listened to Episode 71, Why Men Look at Porn. Two reasons: 1) Self Care, and 2) Excitement. He nails it - the self care is taking care of my own needs, due to some emotional or psychological demand. This reminds me of what Patrick Carnes says in Out of the Shadows, two main lies we men believe is "My needs are never going to be met if I depend on other people" and "Sex is my most important need"; instead it needs to be "My needs can be met by others if I let them know my need" and "Sex is but one expression of my need and care for others".

You have emotional needs that are being met by porn. Full stop. Thus the recommendation (which I agree) to talk with someone about this, in particular a therapist, about what emotions are underlying both the porn use and the feelings you have after stopping the pornography. Not to say you can gain self-awareness via other means, such as going to Sex Addicts Anonymous or other similar porn addiction recovery group in your area.

You do not say what actions you have taken with others, in talking with others. I believe strongly now (again, I have a 40+ year relationship with pornography and masturbation!) that unless you involve others in your recovery, YOU WILL FAIL, AGAIN AND AGAIN. You HAVE to get others involved to help you out of this addiction. Your girl, while a great start that she knows about your addiction, is going to be very helpful, but won't be able to provide a lot of other accountability, feedback and expertise available through a recovery program, whether through a therapist or SAA-type group.

It sounds like you really care for your gal, and you are rightly concerned about the feelings you have going porn-free. Only 3 weeks in to being PMO-free myself, and I am seeing remarkable focus at work, and a new era of communication and connectedness and intimacy with my spouse. Everyone is different of course and their situation is different, but something you said about 'streaks' made me think that you are looking at being porn-free from an 'goals' mentality (i.e. counting days as an 'accomplishment') rather than from a 'systems' mentality (i.e. I've put the structure in place where I can be done with pornography for good).

It makes a huge difference, whether you are thinking 'goals' or 'systems'. Here's a reference for you, and here's one of my favorite Porn Free Radio episodes on 'The Key to Successful Porn Addiction Recovery' - it's an eye-opener.

I wish you all the best.

 

Loved the response and heartily agree. Matt Dobschuetz stuff is excellent and highly recommend the podcasts.

 

Thanks for sharing this, man you must be really going through it.

You know, you do not indicate how she responded to this break-up. You could print part of this out ("...the first girl ever where I could fully be myself...") and send it to your ex-girlfriend, and ask for a few weeks of space to reassess this decision; not to 'leave her hanging' but rather to state that you really connected but the pornography addiction has done strange things to your head, and that you feel terrible about the decision from yesterday. You could simply be vulnerable to her, to state that you really care for her, and that given the torn-up state of your feelings you'd like to have a little space to figure out where to go from here.

Or you can just let it be, the breakup has taken place, you can let the bad feelings you have now just fade with time (if in fact they do fade with time, but who knows?) and work on your own recovery. You owe it to yourself and whoever your future Significant Other to get the pornography and masturbation addiction gone for good.

Listen to me, who was a good 20 years of porn and masturbation before getting married: you end up preferring porn over sex with your spouse. I heard this just this morning listening to Matt Dobschuetz while out walking today, IIRC it was Episode 70. This is an interesting one - the perspective of porn addiction from a female's point of view.

 

That's so generous of her, great to see.

I don't know if you've talked (like In Real Life talked) with anyone about your pornography addiction other than your ex, but that could really help. Here on NoFap.com there's a weekly support call, I'm on the Thursday evening ones (it's at 8pm ET on Thursdays, if you are in Europe it's probably too late although I'll throw it out there it would be great to have you join). Plenty of support and you can hear my own voice.

You may try SAA, to see if there's something local. I missed a meeting this morning I wanted to go to (it was actually a non-virtual meeting, there are virtual ones available in the US, not sure about Europe). You'd be surprised how important it is to talk about your addiction, to face it head-on and to start unpacking with the help of others what the emotions are, what needs are met, etc.

One book that really helped me was Patrick Carnes' Out of the Shadows, and it was amazing to me how the cycles and causes are so similar between porn and other types of more serious sex addiction. Especially the beliefs around our needs. But it is going to be through others (whether counseling or SAA or talking weekly with the NoFap.com team here) that real progress can be made.

I wish you the best in your recovery. It is totally worth it - think about all the great 'stuff' on the other side of pornography addiction. Check this out: Life After Porn Addiction: The Good Stuff.

 

Firstly @letsgetitdone , I am very sorry to hear about the break up! I wish you healing, and it is possible.

It has been shown, (through research) that pornography addiction (addictions in general) mess with reasoning abilities. It interferes with the growth of the individual. So, yes, sorry to say, but it is possible that you made a wrong decision, but it is not entirely "you" that made the decision. The "you" that is "you" is still hidden under the P-addicted you.

The good thing is we have nueroplasticity. So you can definitely put yourself in a better spot. Through meditation we can increase the reasoning abilities, more specifically we can increase the size of the prefrontal cortex, where reasoning takes place.

Also (I am probably being picky about words here, fair warning) , I would say not to "let" the wounds heal, but to actively find antidotes for those wounds.

Personally, a journey inwards has worked best for me. You start to see thing more clearly and you begin to become more confident in yourself, in your decisions.

Again, I hope you find a good place, rather than going further down. You can do it!