A couple of wks ago I found my husband's stash.
I became suspicious that something was wrong because he started suffering from ED. Also, when we were together he had like a blank stare, there was no eye contact...He used to stare at the walls or the light fixture, like he was not there. Now I know where he was...It broke my heart. I don't know if it is the fact that he had some of my girlfriends' pics from FB attached to porn videos of similar girls he found online...it felt like cheating,...evidently it took him hours to work on his collection. Initially I tried to forget about it. But the thoughts kept on crawling back to my head and I started being rude to him, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him what I had found. How bad it made me feel. He promised not to do it ever again, but it is not working for me.
The promise is not enough, I can't even tell what would be enough...to go back in time so what was done can be undone? Impossible. I wanted to be supportive - I reached out to my fondest memories of him and when we met and how wonderful it was - but sadly, it only brings questions about his doings when I was living in lululand. The reality is that I was never good enough for him. It makes me sad. Is there hope? How can I forgive? I don't know what to do!!! I have lived in a bubble, thinking of an endless love. He might love me but it is not the same as desire. I guess everything changes with time but...I was hoping for more. I feel in competition with all of those images in his head and I am in clear disadvantage. I must have very low self esteem, but the fact that he was playing with himself while watching pictures of my friends and family members does not help a bit. It makes me feel very self conscious to have my friends over when he is at home now. What can I do better... what I have done or not done to allow this. I understand that he has to stop on his own. He must want it. I refuse to continue living my life constantly wondering if he is watching porn, mentally cheating on me... At the end of the day, it is his body, it is his brain, and his thoughts. I cannot help him
writing this, I realized that I have lost respect for him, now, that is pretty sad.
I became suspicious that something was wrong because he started suffering from ED. Also, when we were together he had like a blank stare, there was no eye contact...He used to stare at the walls or the light fixture, like he was not there. Now I know where he was...It broke my heart. I don't know if it is the fact that he had some of my girlfriends' pics from FB attached to porn videos of similar girls he found online...it felt like cheating,...evidently it took him hours to work on his collection. Initially I tried to forget about it. But the thoughts kept on crawling back to my head and I started being rude to him, he asked me what was wrong, so I told him what I had found. How bad it made me feel. He promised not to do it ever again, but it is not working for me.
The promise is not enough, I can't even tell what would be enough...to go back in time so what was done can be undone? Impossible. I wanted to be supportive - I reached out to my fondest memories of him and when we met and how wonderful it was - but sadly, it only brings questions about his doings when I was living in lululand. The reality is that I was never good enough for him. It makes me sad. Is there hope? How can I forgive? I don't know what to do!!! I have lived in a bubble, thinking of an endless love. He might love me but it is not the same as desire. I guess everything changes with time but...I was hoping for more. I feel in competition with all of those images in his head and I am in clear disadvantage. I must have very low self esteem, but the fact that he was playing with himself while watching pictures of my friends and family members does not help a bit. It makes me feel very self conscious to have my friends over when he is at home now. What can I do better... what I have done or not done to allow this. I understand that he has to stop on his own. He must want it. I refuse to continue living my life constantly wondering if he is watching porn, mentally cheating on me... At the end of the day, it is his body, it is his brain, and his thoughts. I cannot help him
writing this, I realized that I have lost respect for him, now, that is pretty sad.
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