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Is this a sign she wants me to step up?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by GoRob32, May 26, 2015.

  1. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Okay, so this might be a little adolescent, but I was fb-ing this girl I like to invite her out to a group event. Shortly into this convo she asks me my opinion of another guy who recently started attending the same church as us recently. (She knows that I introduced him to the church).

    I held on through the conversation and was careful not to be disparaging (and therefore jealous) about him and gave as middle of the road answers as I could. For the past week I've taken this as a sign that she was clueless as to how much I liked her, but now I'm not so sure. It might in fact be positive. Is this a female tactic to retain my interest?
     
  2. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    I wouldn't take this as a female tactic at all. She is genuinely asking about that guy and since you introduced him to the church she knows that you know him. You need to be clearer about your feelings for her I think. Either way being clearer to her is important. I had guys like me in the past and I had zero idea that they did until a friend told me or they got drunk and told me themselves. Maybe I was clueless but I think guys need to make it clear their intentions and feelings. Even if you say something direct like "I really hope you will come because I really want to see you there" is giving a clear indication of interest.
     
    enibeni23 and NoBrainer like this.
  3. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you Limeaid, I appreciate your thoughtful response. I like your advice about being direct with her. My language tends to be emotionally charged, so I've fumbling to find middle ground to express my feelings without being overbearing and scaring her off. This phrasing will work very well without ladening it with heavy emotions.

    She's leans more towards the reserved side emotionally. She's fine with joking once you get her into it, but last night I made the mistake of trying to start an fb conversation with a jovial crack about her netflix watching, and she didn't respond.

    She does seem to be into this guy and that's got me a bit worried though. She had a bbq last Saturday, and when he showed up, she sat next to him. I on the jealous side there, but I keep it in check. Though when he left and I pulled my chair further out into the shade of the garden, she pulled up right next to mine.

    Anyway, thanks for your response.
     
  4. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    My advice: Don't think about it too much. If you plan it, it comes off sounding like you planned it. You want it to sound genuine, and it should BE genuine. She's a person, just like you.
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  5. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Well I think using the direct approach worked. I didn't have an event to invite her to, but I felt like an oaf for making the joke so I casually apologized for the bad joke and wrote that I appreciated her having me over last weekend and that I really enjoyed her company and hospitality.

    She wrote back that she was sorry she didn't respond and that she's on the last episode of that netflix show and 'doesn't know what to do with her time now... jk' We had a nice long conversation after that. She even tried to fb call me, which I'm not familiar with.

    Either she really took to it or she didn't care. In the end, what matters is she wanted to talk to me. And I really do feel thankful for her company and hospitality, so the compliment is sincere. It's just not something that would've come to my mind to say. It seems tamer and I suppose not as 'passionate' a compliment. But on second sight, it is wonderfully simple and it does convey gratitude which is no small thing in any relationship. So, I'm learning.

    Thank you Limeaid and The Eleven!
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2015
    Limeaid, The Eleven and NoBrainer like this.
  6. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    Well done. Keep talking to her like she's a nice person you'd like to spend time with and get to know better, and there will be plenty of time for more passionate things. You're letting her know you're interested. If she's interested as well, things tend to take their course.
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  7. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Again thank you guys for the reality check, it helps enormously :)
     
  8. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    That was a great thing to say. It's the truth and you are being direct about how you feel about her! Maybe the next step would be to ask her on a one on one outing of some sort. Go get an ice cream or go on a bike ride or something else casual. If she agrees then she is into you :)
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  9. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    I've found it's virtually never inappropriate to ask someone to meet you for a cup of coffee. You don't even have to have coffee.
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  10. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Damn I need to follow this advice too! Haha ;)
     
    Limeaid likes this.
  11. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Well everyone, it looks like its dead. I tried to invite her out for Saturday night to an open air Shakespeare play, and this is how the exchange went:

    ME: Do you like Shakespeare?
    HER: Not particularly, why?

    Already not a good sign. I had to debate here whether or not to proceed at all. I took a couple beats and then invited her out to this play. Her response: "Oh nice! I can't go, but I hope you enjoy it."

    So here I struggled with whether or not to let her have my vitriol. I was mad -- but then, a friend on a separate IM (they were helping me thru this) said that wouldn't be right because it wasn't her fault for how I feel. And she was right. So I had to find a better way.

    I looked up a blog on dating rejection and here's what I found:

    When you're rejected, it's up to you to reframe the situation. You can let it destroy you or you can decide that it's not a big deal.
    When you're getting rejected often, it's possible to see it as a judgement on who you are as a person and begin to take on the attitude that
    everybody rejects you. As with other self-limiting beliefs, this becomes a cycle of confirmation bias; you only see what you expect and
    translate it into more proof that there's something "wrong" with you. You need to remember that it only seems like everyone rejects you;
    you still have friends and family who love and care for you. It's literally all in how you're choosing to see things.


    So I responded some 30 minutes later : "I hope you enjoy yours also".

    So I feel good that I'm not letting myself be a prisoner of rejection. Don't get me wrong, the sting still lingers, but I'm not going to let myself be made small by it.

    And this was not a one shot refusal. I had invited her out to a movie (group gathering) a week ago and she turned me down for that.
     
    Limeaid likes this.
  12. Verhart

    Verhart Fapstronaut

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    Well, a girl dumps you ... Do you think it's yours or hers lost?

    You are in the position of power and you enhance others lives. when you are there no rejection is painful. After all, they are the one that lost the priviligev to be with you.
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  13. GoRob32

    GoRob32 Fapstronaut

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    Great reminder, thank you.
     
  14. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    Sooo many fish in the sea! I know it sucks and I know this will sting even with all the nice saying we are throwing at you, but everyone has experienced this and she will too at some point! It is a rite of passage for love :). Someone super awesome is gonna dig you so chin up, you have nothing to feel bad about. Way to go for putting yourself out there and trying.
     
    GoRob32 likes this.
  15. 21decisionforlife

    21decisionforlife Fapstronaut

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    I agree with Limeaid it's just one of many. The perfect one comes and then u will know in a moment as well as she does. Love is the one thing in the world that forcing it makes it just worse.

    "The harder you try to succeed, the bigger the crush, the defeat"

    21
     

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