is this common?

Are these "flashbacks" you're talking about or your own fantasies?

 

Yes, it's very common. They even use us as a p-sub (porn substitute) too. I know exactly when my BF's mind switches to objectifying me during sex, and I hate it. They try to get that dopamine hit any way they can. They will read sexually explicit books. They "read" celebrity "news" just to get a glimpse of some "nude dress" or body part (we know how celebrities like to SHOW). They watch music videos or workout videos. We know why! They even go to Spotify to look at album covers. Mad, I know! But yeah, very *normal* in a sick kind of way.

 

Yes, it's *normal* IF YOU ARE A SEX/PORN ADDICT. Not so normal otherwise.

 

Unfortunately yes. I’ve done that. I felt terrible whether thinking about a person I know or an image in P. That’s one of the ways I knew my mind was getting screwed up. I always considered myself faithful and never crossed the line with other women. Even when they flirted with me, if it got a little risqué I would back out of the conversation. But I was a dog in my mind because of P.

 

Short answer: YES

Longer answer: a chronic PMO person learns a couple of important things wrong. 1) Women are sex objects, and the amazing feeling we get from ogling and fantasizing about women - any women - is meant to be indulged. any man notices an attractive woman, and likely also notices if she has extraordinarily attractive features, but a PMO addict sees all that first and primarily and it sticks in his brain in an OCD way. most of us learn social skills that marginally cover that up, but that's what's going on beneath the hood. it's a really hard habit to change, btw.

2) other lesson learned wrong: sex is all important. the relationship rises and falls with sex (err... so to speak) - and if the PA is not satisfied in the relationship, he is justified to look and fantasize elsewhere. (note: there seems to be two broad classes of PA relationships: the low libido SO with the higher libido PA that uses his SO as an excuse, and the high libido SO with a PA refuses sex due to shame or non-working junk.) In either case the PA can feel justified in indulging in fantasy because his SO is not 100% what his dopamine soaked brain wants, and sex is all important.

that help at all???
@SuperFan - I bet you can add something interesting here....

 

it better be... or else me and a lot of other guys have no hope. But YES - it is possible. there are men here who can 100% attest to that in their own lives.

have you discovered yourbrainonporn.com ??? it has tons of resources to educate you on porn addiction. very briefly, for most guys a porn session can last hours - literally. (btw it will be really hard to get your guy to admit to that, so I wouldn't push it and encourage him to lie) this essentially hacks the reward circuitry of the brain and it stays in a dopamine flooded state. similar to type 2 diabetes, the dopamine receptors get desensitized - the long term soaking simply reduces their ability to function properly. Science seems to say that the receptors will return to normal function if left alone for a while (something like 90 - 180+ days). this is the idea behind what NoFappers call a REBOOT. it is letting those dopamine receptors heal.

the pisser is that during that time all manner of crap happens in the brain - life seems gray, or it can be manically high or low. the PA will likely experience intense cravings, like any other addict drying out. eventually the PA needs to train his reward circuitry to be attuned to his SO. the upside is that rebooting guys almost always report increased energy and focus.

and lastly, and most importantly, and possibly most difficultly (?) at some point the PA is going to have to figure out what took him to the porn to begin with. almost all of us come to realize that the porn was just a drug of choice to avoid feeling or experiencing something. it usually ties to very longstanding pain.

so YES THERE IS HOPE. but it will be a journey, and likely a journey that no one was expecting.

 

I'm not sure this just a PA issue. I know personally I've done this as well. I have always had a pretty vivid imagination though

But I hate to think of my Husband doing this. I don't need these types of details from him and I don't think I want them in my head.

 

super great question. also, I want to majorly affirm you and applaud you for wanting to help your husband. he is a lucky guy to have you in his corner.

so reboots come in all sizes and shapes. my own experience is very different and doesn't apply here, so what i'll relate is what I have gathered from others here. hopefully some folk with firsthand experience will jump in here too...

so while the 90 day "Monk Mode" is held out as a great thing, it is obviously a lot to ask of most SOs. a very reasonable Plan B though would be to do 30 days with no sexual activity for the PA (if the SO just couldn't do that then she could M). After 30 days perhaps he can please you - without him Oing. that does quite a few things: it teaches him it's not all about him, it increases his T, it gets his dopamine flowing for a correct amount of time and in connection with you, and it begins to re-establish the connection between the two of you. maybe do that for another 30 days.

also check out a sexual technique called "Kareeza" it's very slow, penetrative sex, but without the O for the guy. or Os only 1x week. search on here for it - also @ILoathePwife s journal has some links. This might be good to start after 60 days or so.

again, this is all from a guy with no experience in this area

 

I completely get that. I guess I can relate to his issues enough that I do understand it. I struggle with why bc of this he isn't able to communicate with me more.

 

It’s unfortunately a habit I developed as a teen. Fantasizing about girls in high school. Basically started as curiosity; imagining what they would look like naked. Then other thoughts from there. Lots of M. It just didn’t stop when I got married and P made it more vivid. Just couldn’t think about women normally. Lack of respect for them as people, etc. Outside I seemed normal. But a fight inside. I’ve gotten over this. It’s been years. I tried to switch to only thinking of my wife as an excuse for M. Same lack of respect for her though. Had to dump it all. Feel much better now can call myself faithful without feeling hypocritical.