Is this HOCD? {my life story}

Today I relapsed again for Gay porn. I think i became obsessed with Gay P. After O I took some time to take back steps and went to my beginning at PMO. What I got and after reading some posts here I really starting to doubt myself.

Here's my PMO life-story or the journey down to hell. I really think that total life-story is needed to analyse these things. Normally, I wouldn't share these to anyone but as this site has been very helpful to me from the beginning I would like to disclose my story and get some help with it. It's better than bearing this burden throughout my life right?

Since it's too long reading the underlined line should make sense, I guess.

At first, I started searching for male muscles. Eventually, I found out about P, more specifically gay P.The reason was low confidence, skinny body and joint eyebrow (unibrow in wikipedia). A lot of my female relatives said," Had I eyebrow like you or your dense hair." Bully was also a reason now that I realize my past situation.
Jealousy was also a reason.

I looked for normal P as well but intentionally avoided it. Because, in my society watching a girl even just staring and "Oooo, that's one sexy ***" is looked down upon. Besides I have PRETTY BAD experiences with some bitches, no offence. These bitch would tease me and if replied would go in total BITCH mood. If there bitchiness was mentioned, they would start crying, gather mass on their side and frame me. Society also takes their side easily.

I would at first look at just pics them demoted to vids as well. Slowly and without knowing it became a habit. Over time I started watching Shits like bonding, cum denial,BDSM, lether, pissing, piss eating, anal fisting, sweat licking, orgy and anything revolving around GP.

2 years ago I primarily started my sex education (sexuality, fetish, STD, sizes, hormones etc.).

As I became educated I also learned about sexuality spectrum and tested some of them (sapiosexual, pansexual, metrosexual). I also learned new ways to MO. Like a new flavored cake I started binge.

This binge on new genre porn usually lasts for 5 months before I need to look for new things. I went as far as inserting thing inside my 'carrot', fucking pillows and mattress, anal masturbation, inserting vegs in my hole (Fleshlight and buttplugs were not available then, not that they are available right now).

Then suddenly one morning my 'carrot' became swollen, and both of his friends started paining. My prostate was also inflaming. I got so scared. . Then i learned about PE, ED, Broken carrot etc. male sexual problems.

Thankfully, by the grace of Almighty it got cured with no MO.

After a short period, PMO to GP started again. This time I leaned about HOCD, and thought about it. I look at GP and get aroused. Normal P is also arousing but the level is low. H (hentai) is also as arousing as GP.

I became confused. Like a lost puppy I searched for HOCD, took all the sexuality test online. I would constantly go back and ask myself am I really homo? Or is this HOCD?

During that period I became obsessed with GP (gay porn). Regularly go back and GPMO. Even when I would watch normal P I would end up in GPMO. My focus would shift from the female porn-star to tho male one and normal P would not be enough to MO. My erection would decrease if I thought anything gayish while watching normal P.

I accepted overtime that I was Bi and was happy with it.

After registering in NoFap, I finally looked into the matter deeply. I can relate to a lot of guys here with the same problem.

Now I know that I would like to be as muscular as them. I would like to be hung like them (I search 95% time with 'gay hunk porn'). I want to be worshiped like them, complimented like them (my relapse was on a worship P). Not like those of my relatives give me. I want to be a dominant figure like them, strong and manly like them (I was bullied was mostly on my feminine body language) .

I look at other well-build men (real one not virtuals) like 'He's good looking and goes to gym. Sigh, I want to be like him' , and when I look at a girl ' Oh she's cute. I would love to talk to her. Ok Ok, maybe some cuddling, hugging.' Nothing more, Nothing sexual to either gender.

I feel relived to finally confess it to some one. All I want now is to know who I really am (Can't go to any therapist because I don't trust them. Also they might outright tell me I'm gay or use the conversion therapy. I don't want to change who I am. Moreover I don't think there is any experienced sex therapist near me).

Is there anybody like me? Am I all alone in this situation?

 

Your comment nearly gave me a heart attack. And I am already dominated. I fear and avoid these men. If they walk toward me I look for a hole to dive in. Man my life is so messed up now that you mentioned it. I even ignore my classmate who look healthy and tower over me. I fear them soooo much, They just have to say to make me do anything.

MAn, having a panic attack.

And what is bothering me more is that these thoughts are giving me sensation "down there"

Shit man, shit