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Is this normal? What I suppose to do?

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by Robert.G99, Sep 11, 2021.

  1. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    Well, Hi!

    My name is Robert, I'm a 22-year-old male student from Eastern Europe. I had a problem with porn since I was 11 or 12. At first just pictures with women and then actual porn clips. At first, it was exciting, but in the next years, it became an extreme habit of mine. I would watch porn and masturbate daily and I did this for almost 10 years I'll say.

    I knew it was a problem when I was 16, but I couldn't stop at all. I needed that hit of dopamine daily and if I didn't get it I would become very nervous and irritable. I kept it a secret. It was my biggest secret.

    I watched ,,normal stuff'' (women solo or straight porn) for about 7 - 8 years and then it became...umm...boring it would be the perfect term. Not in a sense that women become boring, in real life, I would still feel an attraction, but it wasn't the same as when I was 18 - 19, it seems like it weakened. But I didn't really give it so much attention. After this I started to watch more and more violent porn, from BDSM to gore or snuff things. I didn't care what I would watch, I wanted to feel like when I was 12 and I discovered porn.

    About 1.7 years ago I got into anime traps, trans porn (mostly cartoon) and then literally gay porn. After this...in January this year, a bad depression hit me because of what types of porn I've watched. After that anxiety because I didn't know if I was straight anymore or was ever been. I started to analyze all my movements, patterns of speech, walking, all my past interactions to see if I had signs that I might have an attraction to men.

    I remember that I did some stupid stuff when I was a kid, about 9 to 11 with some of my friends or alone, but I didn't care because at that time I didn't know what was sex, sexuality, attraction etc. I forget it for years, very rarely I would remember and have a cringe back on my spine of what stupid things I have done. Maybe this is a sign or something, but at that time I never felt a true attraction or even know what was an attraction to a boy. I had a lot of male friends, classmates etc. and never felt something for them. Only with girls was different.

    I'm an introverted person, I never had sex with a girl, a girlfriend and I'm very anxious around women. Now I'm 22 and I think because of my anxiety that I might be bisexual because I didn't have a girlfriend at this age. I don't know.

    Now when I see a picture of a man or a man in reality I overthink a lot, I feel a rush of anxiety, a feeling like someone is crushing my heart and I can't breathe well. I feel this since January. Before that, I never questioned my sexuality. I think constantly that I might be gay and I deny this.

    I had some urges to act on my thoughts in reality, but I snapped to reality and started to think rationally about having a relationship/sex with a man and it doesn't feel right like when I think about a woman.

    I even watched some ,,c'' porn and it destroyed that last bit of my old self and my dignity. How did I end like this? Is this the real me that I kept hidden?


    For a few months, I think about suicide, that this is the only solution to escape this. Others say that I need to accept this because this is my true self. I tried once and I felt much, much worse than before. I started to overthink again that I might be in denial after all. Then...I don't know...it feels like I'm living in another body. I can't take it for much longer. I feel like my mental health is falling apart.
     
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2021
    Nabson, Meshuga and silex_jedi like this.
  2. silex_jedi

    silex_jedi Fapstronaut

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    first of all, the good thing you are doing right now is that you are talking about it, recognising your problem is the first step, it allows you to detach yourself from it : you are not your problem...
     
    SirErnest likes this.
  3. silex_jedi

    silex_jedi Fapstronaut

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    the question is, when you imagine yourself "having a relationship/sex" with a man how do you feel ? (aside from wrong)
     
    FX-05 likes this.
  4. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    Anxious, ashamed, I feel like I live in another body...like my mind has been corrupted. I feel disgusted to an extent and when I think way too much about it, I feel like I can't breathe and it's like I have an anxiety attack. I never felt an emotional attraction to a man, only with women. But maybe I lie to myself. I don't know at this point.
     
    Oddbulge and silex_jedi like this.
  5. silex_jedi

    silex_jedi Fapstronaut

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    if your "heart" (i mean your emotions) falls in love for women, you probably are romantically attracted to women...

    as far as your "homosexual kink" (please forgive me, i was trying to put a name, you can find a better one if you want to) you know you have the right to think about things like that, i have seen some weird things on Hentai websites too !

    the good thing when you think about things like that is that you are not actually doing them, so you can just look at what you are thinking and ask yourself : "what is happening ?" "is it relevant ?"

    maybe i am not right by the way, but could that be an option ? could just pay attention to your emotions when you think about those things ?

    (also by the way, you have watched porn for quite some years, you are used to have these homoerotic pictures in your head, so that's no surprise)
     
    Robert.G99 likes this.
  6. determined99

    determined99 Fapstronaut

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    This disturbing feeling is just a fear. You are too afraid of being a gay. If you think about bad things you feel bad, that's it.
     
  7. I_Am_Strong_54

    I_Am_Strong_54 Fapstronaut

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    I think what you experienced is fairly common. i see a lot of postings on these message boards that say they started with regular porn and moved onto trans porn and then gay porn. It's needing that fix that causes you to do that. Like you said the regular porn gets boring so you move onto something more extreme. I know in the past my behavior followed that same pattern. Like you, I even questioned my sexuality. As I've committed to NoFap and watched less porn over the last 2-3 months, I have seen those thoughts about men disappear. I only picture myself with women sexually and dating women. It's clear to me it was porn that messed up my head and now it's getting straightened out.

    I think the best thing you can do right now is to work on stop watching porn. Like me you may find that attraction to men disappears. If after a while the feelings are still there about men, then being gay or bi might be something you need to consider. And that's okay if that is who you are. No one should tell you that it is wrong.

    one final recommendation, if you are having thoughts of suicide please please please seek professional help. There are a lot of resources out there, and talk to a professional.
     
    silex_jedi and Robert.G99 like this.
  8. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    Well, I tried, but 3 days is the limit. Porn became a part of my life and a part of me. I grew up with this and I hate it.

    I mean, something is very off. How is this happening now and didn't happened in the past, when I was younger. How is that 1 and half year ago I was disgusted by this type of porn and now I watched it? Why didn't I questioned my sexuality years ago? Why 7 months ago I didn't felt so anxious and depressed by this subject and now when the word gay comes randomly online or in my head I have an anxiety attack and start to overthink?

    This doesn't feel natural at all. It feels off.
     
    silex_jedi likes this.
  9. silex_jedi

    silex_jedi Fapstronaut

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    it's a good idea.
     
  10. I_Am_Strong_54

    I_Am_Strong_54 Fapstronaut

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    Just my thoughts and opinions:
    it's happening now because your addiction has gotten worse over the years. Unfortunately as porn addicts we are no different then the drug addict that started with recreational marijuana, then moved onto cocaine, and is now a heroin addict. They kept chasing that fix that got more extreme over the years and that is where you are at. Porn has messed with your head and just like a drug addict you need to stop using and start to recover. As i stated before if you stop watching porn you may feel these desires and thoughts disappear. Take it one day at a time and try to build that streak to 4 days, and then 5 days.
     
    HelperX, Robert.G99 and silex_jedi like this.
  11. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    I love that you have identified that it doesn't feel natural. The creeping effect of addiction is such that it makes us "want" things that we don't truly want. You're still there man, you just have this parasitic addiction hijacking your thinking. This book (free on this webpage) was immensely helpful for me. It is repetitive but it is meant to be so. It will deconstruct the way you think about addiction. I very very highly recommend reading it.

    https://Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking.org

    Best wishes.
     
    Robert.G99 and silex_jedi like this.
  12. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    There are some who are adamant that, despite years of watching only straight P, despite always assuming you were straight, despite your years of attraction to women, despite only picturing yourself with a woman, despite the "wrong" feeling you get when you think about S with a man, despite lack of attraction to real life men, and despite the fact that this habit began only after years of escalating addiction to P... you must be gay and are denying your true nature.
    There are others that will tell you, despite your watching gay P and your current, conflicted feelings, despite your lack of relationships with any real women, you are absolutely not gay or bi.

    All I'm going to say is, quit P and see how you feel after that.

    P messes with you. P removes the need to seek out a real romantic/sexual relationship. Why take that kind of risk? You're getting off, regularly, to whatever you want to see. P also undermines your confidence, and your emotional intelligence. It skews your perceptions of women and S, and romantic relationships. You are a young guy, you have plenty of time to figure this stuff out, but not while using P. It will keep you blind to yourself and others.
    I know exactly how that feels. I learned it's not enough to hate it. You have to understand what the addiction really is, and what the effective ways to combating it are.

    Short story, it's an addiction to excessive dopamine on demand. The way to fix it is to replace the dopamine you get through P with healthy alternatives, to replace the time and energy you spent on P with healthy choices, and to guard your mind. I strongly recommend reading up on Porn Addiction Basics, starting a journal, and using the community as an accountability and as a resource for quitting. This is something I didn't have when I was your same age, and something I used to get my current streak.

    Best of luck to you
     
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  13. JoeinUSA

    JoeinUSA Fapstronaut

    Porn and its twisted effects are far from normal; hence, what you describe may be common, as are mental illnesses or environmental woundedness, but it is not normal. But, as with any metal illness or abuse, we can seek recovery, health, and better ways of thinking.
     
    Roady and HelperX like this.
  14. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Fapstronaut

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    is there any external pressure against being gay? Why is it being gay bothers you so much? Because of your Family? Friends?
     
  15. Nabson

    Nabson Fapstronaut

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    C'est un phénomène tout a fait normal ne soyez pas inquiet
    Le cerveau est très complexe
    La pornographie est comme le jeux vidéo
    Certains sont tellement addict au jeux de violence depuis des années que malheureusement leur cerveau pense que c'est la réalité pour cela que nous voyons des jeunes malheureusement commettre des fusillades dans des écoles ou autre leur cerveau est tellement imprégné de violence dans les jeux vidéo qu'ils pensent que c'est la réalité
    Le porno est identique tellement notre cerveau est enregistré de choses dégoutant a un moment donné on veut réalisé ces choses dégoutantes
    La seule solution est de se séparer du porno c'est très dur c'est vrai
    Mais plus c'est dur plus le bonheur sera immense
    Parfois pour guérir de certaines maladies on doit subir desopérations chirurgicales épuisantes ou prendre des médicaments affreux mais pour avoir un meilleur bonheur
    Ne sois pas inquiet et bat toi comme un homme bro
     
    Robert.G99 likes this.
  16. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    External? No. I mean, I live in a country from Eastern Europe which is pretty homophobic, but this is not the problem at all. I don't feel like a bisexual/gay, that's the problem. It doesn't feel natural at all. I suppose, by your words, that I should come out as gay because I watched some weird types of porn? I will never do something with a man in reality, because this is not who I am. I watched some...extreme types of porn worse than trans or gay. What should I do? To come out as a pedophile? As a person with criminal tendencies which enjoys gore and snuff things?

    I feel uncomfortable, I don't feel like one and something is off. I even read some come-out stories and 95% of the people knew from a very young age that they are gay. In my case, the only thing that is a sign is the types of porn that I watched. I didn't question who I am or who am I attracted to now because I knew all along.

    Even now I know deep down, but these thoughts, insecurities, depression, anxiety and constant questioning...this is covering the true self that I use to be. I am a paranoid and an overthinker since I was a kid and it's very easy to get anxious to some subjects and this will hunt my mind for monts.

    I mean, my attraction to women was fake? Did society make me attracted to women? I tell you that's a big NO. Since I was a kid I liked girls (since 12 - 13 when I realized what is attraction and sexuality), but in general I didn't like girls my age. I liked older women (18+). I thought girls from my class or close to my age were pretty stupid or unattractive. Even now I like women older than me.
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  17. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    Merci pour la réponse! Je pense que les fusillades de masse ou les fusillades dans les écoles ne sont généralement pas dues aux jeux vidéo, mais plutôt à cause de l'intimidation et de problèmes mentaux non diagnostiqués. J'ai vu beaucoup plus de genres extrêmes que le porno gay / trans et je me sentais horrible après les avoir regardés, mais je pensais que ce n'était que du porno après tout. Eh bien, maintenant j'ai détruit et je ne me reconnais même pas.

    Désolé si je me suis trompé de mots, mon français n'est pas très bon.
     
  18. Robert.G99

    Robert.G99 Fapstronaut

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    I know, I asked some people on the bisexual subreddit and many of them said that I am in denial or I am a homophobe because that's how I was raised. I felt insulted, but I decided to keep some decency. I looked at many posts from that subreddit similar to mine and they said the same thing to those people. That they are in denial, they need to accept those things etc. They don't put some doubt in their way of thinking. The thing that scared me is for some of those people with similar stories to mine, they...they had posted on that suicide watch subreddit. They got into the same place as me. This thing scared me because I think there's no way to get out of this. Accepting this is not an option because I feel like I would lie to myself thinking that I'm a bisexual. I don't know.

    The best response came from a bisexual woman who told in a private message: Why should you accept something that is uncomfortable to you?
     
    Meshuga likes this.
  19. Nabson

    Nabson Fapstronaut

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    Beaucoup sont restés des heures et des heures devant leur ordinateur a tué des gens ds les jeux et pendant des années leur cerveau n'a plus assimilé le vrai du faux ils on voulu réalisé ce que leur cerveau côtoyaient depuis des années
     
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  20. ItsPossible

    ItsPossible Fapstronaut

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    This is going to sound uncomfortable…. But maybe try dating a man and see how you feel…. Maybe even try to kiss him… If you don’t like the date then you know you’re not gay and you can get this out of your head.

    If you do like the date, great! No hard feelings now you know you’re bisexual. I think at some point you were taught this was an issue or somehow someway there’s something “wrong with you”. I believe you supposed any homosexual thoughts because that’s what most of us are taught.

    Just try dealing with a man and see how you feel. If you don’t enjoy yourself when you go out or don’t find yourself sexually attracted to the man, then you’re not gay. If the confusing thoughts occur after this maybe seek professional counseling.
     

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